A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I have been married for quite a few years. We have a great marriage, great house, great kids, great dog and cat..... Anyway, her friend of a few years (I think they are friends about 5 years, it's way after we were married) is getting married for the 1st time. She was in a long term relationship when we met her, but that didn't last, but now she's getting married this summer. She had a bachelorette party a little while ago (why I'm not sure an almost 40 year old needs that, but...), and had it at a male strip club. I told my wife she could go even though she was hesitant. I said, it can be harmless fun, just don't cross the boundary. Well she went, and her friend got SH*T Faced drunk and fooled around a little more than appropriate. My wife didn't approve, but we talked about it, and we don't 'think' her friend actually did anything, but just kind of acted slutty and felt up some guys.Now this 'friend' thinks my wife is a 'prude' for disapproving of her behavior, and keeps asking her to go out and 'redeem' herself. She doesn't know that my wife tells me everything, but she tells her that she should go out with her to male strip clubs again, and if you drink enough, you can give a BJ to a guy and it doesn't count as cheating. My wife is completely appalled. She (and with my total agreement) is distancing herself from this so-called friend. We don't know if she was always this way and the bachelorette party made her think my wife was wild like her or not, but she and I am not (well at least not with others).I'm not concerned about my wife, she doesn't even want to ever go out with this friend unless it's couples from now on, our problem is, I (and her) feel VERY uncomfortable being with this 'friend' and her fiancee (soon to be husband in 2 months) know that this friend is a 'want to be slut' (these are my words, my wife would just say 'free' or something). Do we confront her about our uncomfortableness and leave my wife alone? Do we talk to her fiancee? That would be very uncomfortable, but so is spending time with them now that we know what she is about. Help.. Thanks.
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female
reader, pashanoodle  +, writes (22 May 2008):
 Hi, I don't think you guys sound too prudish - you're just different to your wife's friend - and that's fine.
I agree with the other posters that is not really your place to say anything to her fiance - what exactly would you say? "Your fiance acted slutty?"...it's pretty subjective.
It sounds to me that you and your wife's main issue is what to do from now on - I think PeterPan's sugestion that you just let the friendship "fade" might be best - it sounds like your personalities just aren't that compatible. No nastiness or scenes required - just be "busy" when she phones to ask you and/or your wife out....she'll soon get the message.
It is great to read about a happy marriage on here for a change!! Good on you guys!
A
male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (22 May 2008):
 Hi,
I would leave well enough alone. You two sound rather prudish, so just put it down to experience and pick more conservative friends.
In any event, you have no business interferring in her wedding plans whatever she does in her private life. Leave her alone and she will leave your wife alone.
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A
female
reader, Cateyes +, writes (22 May 2008):
 Personally, if I was in your wife's shoes I would have let this "friend" know that this is not something I would like to do or even frequent, meaning the strip clubs. (an exception because she is getting married - party) If I love my husband, future husband or even if I was married today, the last on my mind would be going to a strip club to be a "frequent flyer" there. (I'd rather see my husband strip for me!!!) It sounds like she wants to try and "ease" your wife into this a little more because she did a "no no" and either regrets it or the real her is coming out. Hard to say...but, drunk or not...when I was with my friends, and we partied heavy...we never let the other get to crazy. Never let someone go home with someone they just met,etc....(that's if there drunk)...sober..well, your on your own, you are an adult, your choice.
I would NOT bring this up to the soon to be spouse. Not your place. Some people do believe in doing what she did prior to marriage, however, some of us think and see different. Morals stop us maybe?
I just wouldn't party to much with her...YOU might be on her list one day.
Stay safe...and proud of you both..you seem like a very happy and wonderful couple!! :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2008): It sound like this lady went out to a normal bacholorette party and carried on with the natural activities which were expected of her. This is a common pre-wedding ritual in the UK, and such fun activities are carried out by both men and women before the wedding (sometimes with full backing and knowledge of the partners-to-be) Your wife probably did not understand this and therefore disapproved.
I'm not in a place to say whether or not the woman's behaviour was "slutty" and neither is your wife. I am not a "slut" and neither is your wife, so we are in no place to say.
It sounds like she's a little angry at your wifes attempts to spoil the pre-wedding festivities. She trying to get back at your wife, by encouraging her to cheat on you. She sounds like she want's revenge.
In the UK the normal etiquette is to keep quiet about these types of things as the bachelor's party is usually a wilder event. It's probably in your best intrests to say nothing as you weren't there, do not know the man very well, and know nothing of what his response might be. Seeing as your wife is distancing herself, you never know, you might not have to even go to the wedding or see this couple again, and seeing how you feel, this might be a good thing.
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A
male
reader, PeterPan +, writes (22 May 2008):
 OK, first thing, don't get between your wife's friend and her fiancee. That's their issue and not yours. If her behavior is a problem in their relationship, then it's their problem and it's not something you or your wife should get in the middle of. It could get messy/dirty/ugly quickly.
Now, regarding hanging with this new couple, you can -- if you wish -- simply fade away from her and let your friendship fade... that can happen with no discussion. If you want to take on more of a "hands on" approach and risk the fallout from that, you could confront her with your feelings.
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