A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:okay I was used. Bad. Was a while ago but it still is not a healed wound. I don't think about it because it aggravates me too much. But I was used. Taken advantage of by a woman who pretended to be my friend and then pulled away when I stopped giving her things. Eventually she just avoided me and is now using other people. It's like a man who uses women for sex. She was using me for what she could get.So here is what I am wondering. What happens to these users. Do they just use and use and use till they get where they want to go or do they get ahead by using? Are they the ones who come out ahead? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2012): Yes, users will continue to use and use as long as it still pays off for them. Yes they will get ahead by using. The only way they will stop getting ahead, is if the people they're using collectively stop playing along such that the user can no longer get what she wants via taking advantage of others.if you ended the relationship because you refuse to be used, and then her next boyfriend also leaves her and makes it known it's for that reason, and the next boyfriend/victim after that also does the same, then there is a hope that she will some day evolve into being less of a user. But it won't be due to some newfound compassion for others, it will be simply because that strategy stops working for her and she is forced to carry her own weight to get what she wants.And yes it's very common for women to use men for their resources (like for financial security, for status, for "help" in running their lives) just as common as for men to use women for sex. Society is more accepting of women being materially dependent on men and having men take care of them, than the other way round. Think about it. If a man said he doesn't want to work and his gf or wife financially supports him and this is how it's going to be forever not just as a temporary thing, most of society would look down on him. But if a woman chooses never to work again and have her bf or husband financially support her for the rest of her life, society doesn't think there's anything wrong, it is an acceptable lifestyle choice. It's called "commitment."And there are many women who take full advantage of this societal "norm" of men regularly providing stuff for women that they want. I have some guy friends and family members who are married to women who use them, marriage being the gold standard of such female users because now she has access and rights to everything he owns and society grants women the right to be bossy and demanding to no one else but their husbands. Very unhealthy marriages they are, and very unhappy husbands. Be glad you are not as bad a sucker as they are and you didn't let it get anywhere close to that far.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2012): "Do they just use and use and use till they get where they want to go or do they get ahead by using?"
I find very often users have reasons why they act the way they do. I mostly find that people like that have learned to dehumanize people and have no empathy for others because that's how they were treated, raised or abused in the past.
Some people feel that others can only be judged based on their material usefulness. What happens then is these people find it very hard to get deeply connected emotionally to anyone beyond their usefulness. Would you be happy living like that? Would you be happy being a social nomad that eventually gets dropped and hated by people you've bled dry? If not then take heart. She already has and has probably always had a very shallow life with little or no real love in it. She's fake and her happiness is just as fake.
And to address a point made by therain, I always hold true to the concept that people who let others use them are weak. People only use us if we let them. I've never dated a girl who took and took without demanding something in return. Why would anyone stay with a person who never gave anything back? I always ensure I get something in return or I give without expecting anything in return but only for people who have proven their loyalty to me.
As a person who spent a couple of years using women for sex I can tell you while I was in the wrong for setting out to do that I couldn't have done so if they didn't let me.
My mental state at the time was of a guy who was very, very hurt by the girl I was with previously and I was very bitter, that's not an excuse that's why. So I saw strangers as fair game for my lust and I find it hard to regret any of it. I never promised anything, I never lied to them about anything, they were hurt by their own assumptions I took what they gave and it was up to them as adults to ensure they got what they wanted out of it. If they'd asked what my intentions where, which some did, I told them honestly I was only looking for a casual lay why should I feel bad that they assumed it was something else without making sure to find out first?
Did I hurt them? No, they hurt themselves, if they had a problem with having a one night stand then it's up to them to ensure they don't have one. The people who disagree with my logic are very often the type of idealist that are far easier to use. You have to understand OP the people who get the most are the ones who refuse to take some of the blame for being used, but you can't be the other kind that beats yourself up over it either. Take heart from the fact you were being good to her, be proud of that and you have no reason to feel stupid or ashamed as long as you learn your lessons from this.
Has karma gotten me back for how I treated those women? No, because I was still a great friend, brother, son etc. in all that time, I never lied, cheated, manipulated, forced nor taken advantage of those girls. Karma was already tearing me apart during that time anyway.
Forget about her and move on. Don't let it happen again but don't let it make you bitter and closed off either.
2 rules: First never assume anything about a new friend, always have evidence and proof of things.
Second either give without wanting anything back or give only as much as you receive. People are expensive fuckers when you try to buy them.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (2 April 2012):
 Learn from it. In the future you don't have to "buy" your friend or give them things. You can help them out, support them and be there for them, that my friend, is free and IF the other person is a true friend you will get the same in return.
Users don't come out ahead. At some point people around them will figure them out and back off, so they are left there alone and most likely thinking it's EVERYONE else fault, not their own. Lonely, sad people.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2012): Karma will give her what she deserves.
I had a situation where I kept giving to my ex, and, she never gave back. Nope - just took and took. Drained me. She dumps me, too, out of the blue. Claims she wants to remain friends with me. Yet, I couldn't handle the emotional pain. Had to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Hope things work out, for you.
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