A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:Do people who have trouble with intimacy tend to "disconnect" from their lovers? I fall in love easily and deeply. But I tend to self-sacrifice my needs, always putting others, espeically my man, ahead of my own desires. I frequently put up with alot of crap from the men I fall in love with and then, I don't know what happens but something just switches off and I feel nothing for them anymore. And no amount of flowers, poetry, candy, or wooing wins me back. It's not that I'm trying to get even with them; I think it's a self-perservation mechanism that simply kicks in and shuts down my emotional feelings for someone. Maybe it's because I can't deal with the hurt or disappointment I'm feeling by the way they are treating me. It's really horrible and it seems almost out of my control. Often I really want to be with a man, but after a few years of being walked all over, or disrespected in other ways, I cannot seem to produce those loving feelings for them anymore. The relationship dies a slow and painfl death, even for me because I hate watching someone try so hard to win me back. Could it be that I have problems with intimacy? I don't seem to have trouble getting close to a man and connecting both emotionally and sexually but once I stop feeling valued I seem to disconnect and I wish I could stop this from happening. I see couples who have been together for years and years and I wonder how they do it.
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male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (9 July 2008):
 Hi,
I think it is a problem with the men you choose not with you. You do have a self preservation instinct but you don't you dont have good taste in men.
I would advise not to give up, there are plenty of men out there who will give what you give, you just have to meet them. But I imagine your radar just moves past these men who would treat you well ( maybe the nice guys dont appeal to you )and you end up with the users and abusers.
Ask your friends and family to be frank and honest with you. What do they think of your new boyfriends, I bet they have a good idea of your "type" and why you get yourself into these situations.
Read BigSis's article in the article section, she is a woman who has had her fair share of men abusing her good nature but she has written a lovely article where she describes she has turned it all around and is not going to take this crap anymore.
good luck anyway, and don't give up!
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