A
female
age
36-40,
*ocutegirl
writes:Hey guys my question is: Does relationship sites works?I am a girl and I decided to try find someone in a relationship site. After applying a lot of guys have showed up,I was talking with a guy and I liked him,after one week he asked me to hang out with him and I accepted. So we went out in a coffee shop,talked and he said that I was his type of girl,then when he let me home he kissed me and he said that he wanted to see me again. The following day he texted me if I was ok and when he could see me again.I gave him a lot of excuses,then he vanished. I sent him a message asking if he wanted to see me again,so on the following day he texted me if I wanted to see him. Untitl today we haven't met again,he had changed his profile on orkut for "in a relationship",then I asked him if he was dating and he said:yup then I thought that he had cut me off,I talked to him and he said that he is not dating anymore because the girl was a bitch,then I said that we could meet again but as friends,and on the following day he vanished again. He barely talk to me and it seems that he doesnt care about me anymore.Did I do something wrong?
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male
reader, jcams +, writes (13 December 2010):
In my opinion you need to just cut him off right now and move on. He is just messing with you and that's not a quality that you want in a guy.
A
female
reader, socutegirl +, writes (9 December 2010):
socutegirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everybody for the answers! It was really helpful.
I'm a kind of person who is very genuine and I hate lies.
Somehow I am guilty for his weird attitude..I'm not so into this kind of things(dating sites) but as I am away from home(foreign) I feel lonely sometimes,that's why I decide to try,I have a friend who succeeded,so I thought:well I have nothing to lose,and she is at the same situation than me,but I am really afraid to find some bad guy,I have talked with a lot of jerks before I decided hang out with his guy,although I think he is nice I was very afraid that he could take advantage of me,that's why the excuses..(when I made the excuses he said : "well am being honest..all i want is to hang out with u,,am not making any big promises or anything like that"than I asked: what do u mean? he said "no marriage"
I think he is ridiculous for saying that,until today I dont understand why he said that,he said that he was joking but I got offended anyway...
anyway ,then when I realized that I was missing him somehow he started cutting me off I think.
I had send a message to him asking if he was ok plus that I didnt expect anything from him then he added me in another orkut,he said that someone stole the password of his old orkut and that person who changed his profile,then I said,but u agreed when I asked if you were dating,he said yup but plz stop talking about that... ?????
I asked him if he was cutting me off and he said no,then I asked how long he was in a relationship until he find out that the girl he was dating is a bitch and he answered me:
"it was very quick,but I dont like to talk about this,it really bothers me,please dont talk about this anymore"
he said that he always asks me to hang out again but I never say when,then I said that he could see me this week,he agreed but on the following day he said that he had to study for his finals at school,and I said: I think u dont wanna see me anymore and he replied that I just want to be friends and he wants more,I said that I like to be free,but I would like to see him again and as we just meet once was very early to decide something,like we need talk more...now I don't know,I think I will stop texting him for a couple of days,starting today,if he didn't show up I definitely cut him off,or should I forget about him right now?I really don't know what to do...I told him that I gave up from dating sites and that I should give in from him as well,he said that he wants to see me again but not now because he is very busy cz his finals.
the thing is,I just don't wanna get hurt ;)
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (9 December 2010):
 Have a read of this article http://www.dearcupid.org/question/internet-dating-we-know-its-rubbish-so-why.html
I think it generally shows the typical experiences of people using dating sites, in my case it has been good but in other people's experiences it has been bad!
In your case - what you did wrong was to give him a load of excuses when he asked to see you again. Clearly you shot him down and he felt rejected, so it is not surprising that he started acting so weird.
The key to dating is to not play games - if you like them and want to see them again, then if they ask say yes - dont mess them about with excuses just to 'test' them or whatever because you create a whole heap of problems. You will find using online dating sites that there are so many crazy folk on there, and some guys just love using these sites because it means they get easy access to lots of girls and can play them all.
But then again, you do get people who genuinely want relationships and are looking for something serious. Generally the sites that you have to pay to be a member of are better than the free dating sites because people would not spend money on something unless they are serious about it, on the free sites you get a lot of the idiots and players.
Keep an open mind with online dating, it can work but equally it can be a nightmare. So remember, there are a lot of guys on these sites playing games but dont stoop to their level and play games too. Keep it sensible and upfront, if you like them then agree to a date, if not then let them down gently but firmly. Dont mess people around, you will have a much better chance of finding a nice guy if you act nice too.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2010): No. There are genuine people on these sites and then there are others, who are on them because they can't find anyone, because people who know them in real life wouldn't touch them with a barge pole.
He has messed you about, dodging in and out of a relationship, coming and going already. Give him a miss and answer some of the others. And maybe try to meet someone in real life so that you can check them out.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (9 December 2010):
No, you didn't do anything wrong. Sounds like he has problems, is playing games, or has something going on on the side. If you're on a site like that...trust me, a lot more guys will come along so cut him off. At this point, it's easy to cut him off.
As far as if they work; for some people. I've used it and have gone out on several dates but I think it tends to take the fun out of "real life" dating. There isn't as much of a chase and being excited when he finally does call and going out etc. Hasn't really worked for me, but it's worked for other people. I think it depends on what you use. I know people have had better luck with sites like eharmony moreso than Match.
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A
male
reader, jcams +, writes (9 December 2010):
Ok so from a guys perspective you may have scared him off when you gave him excuses. From my experience both guys and girls are looking for one of three things when they get on a dating web site. 1) to run a scam. 2) to find a hook-up. 3) to seriously date and be with someone. If the guy you went out with falls under any of these excuses of why you can't see him again don't work. His decision to change his status was one of two things. 1) he changed it to make you jealous. 2) he changed it because he was actually dating someone. From what you said later it sounds like it was option 1. When you said you could meet again as "friends" it scared him away because again he was looking for one of the three things above. The world and the internet is running at the speed of light. So we can assume that relationships that are formed from dating sites are expected to be fast and too the point. If he is not getting what he wants from the relationship then he will move on to the next best thing. So technically you did nothing wrong from a dating perspective but you did from an internet dating perspective.
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A
female
reader, pixiegirls +, writes (9 December 2010):
 No, you didn’t do anything wrong. This is a “red flag” moment. The online dating scene may seem to be a better way, or easier way of trying to get out there to date, but you need to understand that with it comes its own set of “red flags” or warnings that you need to always be aware of.
One of the reasons that background checks, or even a simple “googling” of someone before meeting them face-to-face can be so important, is that what you read in a profile, may be so far from the truth. There are people out there who are married, or in a relationship; just looking for someone to “hook-up” with; or whose main goal is to extract funds from someone. This is true for both men and women. The amount of scams running on dating sites anymore is becoming unbelievably high, and uncontrollable.
Not knowing who you specifically were talking to or saw, it appears that once you tried to excuse yourself out of being pressured, the game was off. May be why the status changed and the vanishing act keeps happening. Does a guy that asks to see you, suddenly is “in a relationship”, then back to single not raise some red flags for you? You certainly deserve more respect than that. It could have turned out to be a truly dangerous situation for you. Your gut instincts to back out of an immediate “date” again was most likely the correct one.
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