A
female
age
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anonymous
writes:I'm really puzzled now. I want to know the truth about sexless marriages, when it is over 20 years long marriage. Now we reached 1 year with no sex, due to my husband lack of sexual desire, what started with an ED. But it stayed undiagnosed ,cause not known He was convinced it was medical, but they never found anything wrong with him, so they said he needs to go to psychologist. But he still can't believe it, that it is psychological. So , yes, that why does he have ED it is a mystery, but I keep reading about this issue, and this way or an other many books an article says sex after long term marriage is dead, for this cause or an other. So I wonder if it is true? Do most man wants younger woman, and can't turn on from their old wife?Or is this a very unrealistic, dark view on sex over 40? Help me out ,please. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 November 2011):
 my 38 yr old boyfriend has ED. he drinks and smokes so that's part of it. He also has many stresses. I'm 51 and it's NOT about my being attractive to him. he finds me very attractive. My last husband was 40 to my 51 and he also found me attractive.
So no I do not think that it's not finding an older woman attractive that's the problem.
As for sex pettering out in a long term marriage... some do. I Know my mother once complained at about 28 years married.. jokingly that buying a box of 12 lubrication capsules was a years supply... clearly she had a stronger sex drive at 50 than my dad did.
OTOH my grandparents at 86 and 83 were still going at it "it's not as frequent as it used to be but it's still really good" (yeah I come by my open nature naturally clearly)
I think you have a dark sad view of marriage after age 40... and for that I'm sorry.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 November 2011):
 He could have low testorone or Hypo gonadism. BOTH decrease the sex drive significantly. And both not something neither he nor you would noticed since it happes (usually) over a longer period of time) Hypo Gonadism, can give weightgains in the areas women normally get, so belly fat, theighs and back.
I would suggest he go talk to his doctor. Not for ED pills, but to figure out who he sex drive shut down.
I don't think it's your "fault" AT ALL.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2011): I know of another thing that wrecks men's desire for their wives....porn. is he on the computer a lot?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2011): We've been married well over 20 years. I continue to find my wife incredibly sexy, and don't want to be with anyone else.Here comes the 'but'Yes, I'm on bp meds, and the effect was dramatic. Instant and persistent ED (albeit at the price of perfect blood pressure, damn it). For a man who completely took erections for granted, it's devestating. And yes, it makes me less likely to initiate. That's mostly because she doesn't seem to get pleasure from oral, digital or any other alternatives one might imagine. So ED has been a serious game changer for us.And -- there is an element of 'same old' for us. I can rise to the occasion with sufficient stimulus, but she doesn't seem to be all that interested in changing things up. I could be better, despite the meds, but the cooperation isn't there.Despite all that, I certainly don't have any interest in trying with someone new.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (2 November 2011):
 The answer is a bit complicated. Bear with me. I'll explain the factors at work, but exactly which of them is working the strongest with him is not possible for me to say. Use your best judgment.
I'll start with the bad news: yeah, men want younger women, and more than that, they want new ones. There is a very strong biological drive to "spread the seed." Think back to cave days, which men were more likely to have lots of kids (and therefore be overrepresented in the gene pool), ones who mated with many women all at the peak of their fertility, or ones who mating with only one woman in the years of declining fertility? People are not significantly different from our ancestors.
Good news next: Pair-bonding is also an exceptionally strong part of our brain's wiring. Not every male could manage to successfully reproduce with lots of lots of young females - there weren't enough to go around, even if you account for the extremely high mortality rates among cavemen when competing over mates. Fortunately, evolution blessed us with the ability to strongly bond to another individual, and that bond can last long after they have aged past their peak fertile years.
Neutral news last: Even if there is no medical problem causing his ED, sometimes the machinery just doesn't work as well as you get older, and needs more stimulation and time, *without* any emotional pressure. That last part is the tricky one. There is a kind of emotional feedback loop where, when the penis just doesn't want to go up right away, the man gets stressed and worried about it, which prevents it from working - and that, in turn, creates even more stress. Fortunately, this is one thing you can work on together.
After twenty years of marriage, there is probably quite a strong pair bond at work. Use that to your advantage to create a low-stress night for him. Remove the pressure to perform. Spend some time making out, or just have him finger you, and agree beforehand to pay no attention to his erection. Give him a massage, or just kiss in the dark. If it shows up, it shows up; if not, no worries, you're still enjoying some together-time. It'll be a tough adjustment, and may take a few tries before you're comfortable with it, but you've got time. Best of luck.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (2 November 2011):
 As I'm sure you know, based on your reading, erectile dysfunction can often be caused by medications, notably Atenolol, a blood pressure remedy. But that aside, a number of other issues can cause the problem. While I can offer no solution for you, based on limited information, I can say that I also had some lack of libido about 16 years ago due to stress and trying to operate too many businesses.
My ex-wife, still my wife at that time, could not tolerate just a few months without sex and left. She later claimed it was the worst mistake of her life, but the marriage was then over. Thereafter, I've had no such problem with girlfriends. Men can go through periods when lack of libido, or ED, may affect a marriage. Hopefully, time may bring remedy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2011): I was married for 20 years and my husband was still very attracted to me and interested in having sex with me. Unfortunately in my case, it was me who lost interest. So I think it varies from person to person and couple to couple. If the attraction is strong, I think it stays strong even as we age. On the other hand, I do think men always long for younger women, some more secretly than others and many never act on their lusts. If you husband hasn't really shown interest in any younger women, he is probably just aging and the equipment certainly does not work as well as it used to in either sex. You said it wasn't medical but if he's taking medications for other things such as blood pressure, it can have side effects. If he still seems interested and loving towards you, don't give up. It's probably not that he doesn't desire you. I hope this helped you out.
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A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (2 November 2011):
 i would disagree , i don't want a younger wife i am happy with my 48 year old wife . i think she looks hotter than ever. she keeps my motor running. i like older women, myself. our sex life started cooking after we hit 40. i would have him see a counselor or another doc.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2011): No...there are lots of women over 40 who are sexually active with their husbands, who are also over 40, or even 50.
"As a result of the combined effects of a rise in SHBG and a fall in total testosterone, calculated free testosterone levels decrease by approximately 2-3% per year"
Yes, testosterone levels do decline with age, but sexual activity is much more complex. The best sex of my life has occurred in my older years, with a wife who is a year older, as we near our 50 year mark.
"Do most man wants younger woman, and can't turn on from their old wife?"
No.
That is a very unrealistic and dark view of relationships after 40.
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