A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Do men treat their girlfriends differently? If so, why?I broke up with my ex just over a year ago. I thought I was getting over him quite well until I saw some photos of him on a social networking site with his new girlfriend. She talks of him making her breakfast in bed for her (which he never did for me but that may be that we both lived at home still whereas she has her own place), there were pictures of them dancing together (which he never did with me although they were only slow dancing which he said he would do), I organised several trips to theme parks because he said he liked them but each time he came up with an excuse as to why he couldn't go (yet there are photographs of them at a theme park). At the time I didn't think anything of it because I simply accepted that he didn't like dancing, and I wouldn't dream of making an issue of it and making someone do something they didn't want to.I wished I had never seen all these photos as it has now become apparent that he wasn't treating me very well. Had I not seen the photos I wouldn't have thought anything of it, but now I wonder whether I actually knew him at all. Why does he seem to be treating this new girlfriend so much better than he did me? Should I have kicked up a hell of a fuss about doing these things? The thing is I don't think it's right to do that. I don't think you should have to demand a man do certain things, because surely if you have said that you like certain things he should instinctively know to do these things?!?To cap it all she gushes about how he spoilt her on her birthday, yet on the last birthday we were together he didn't even get me a card! This is when I knew he wasn't treating me well and the relationship ended not long after that.So, why has he treated us differently, or will he eventually start treating her the way he did me at the end? What do I have to do to get a guy to treat me the way his new girlfriend is being treated? He's clearly not a nasty person by the way he's treating his new girlfriend so how come I seem to get 'sloppy seconds' treatment? I have heard you 'teach people the way you should be treated' but I don't think I'm a pushover so I don't know where it's all going wrong.Do we have to spell it out to guys how we want to be treated, and kick up a huge fuss if they don't do the things they know would make us happy?Help.
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female
reader, ShiShisAdvice  +, writes (4 February 2011):
 Yes! What he does with you, he will not do with someone else and so on...that's what men don't realize when women try to break up a marriage. They don't want to be the hot sex kitten, they want to be a wife!
The next phase is that ALL men will say NO! when you "suggest" you do something. The secret is to just DO IT! That's how she got him. But since you have the "inside scoop" I am sure she may be embellishing the gifts she receives or worse, is buying them herself!
A tiger can never change it's stripes no matter how hard he may try. So if he didn't do those things with you, he isn't doing it for her.
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (3 February 2011):
some thoughts:
1. You're comparing him in the "honeymoon phase" of a relationship with the him in the "ending phase" of an old relationship. Of course he will be different. Anyone would be. You probably will be as well when you get into a new relationship are in the honeymoon phase.
2. since you and him broke up, obviously the relationship between you wasn't great. Negative feelings outweighed positive ones. This could be why he didn't want to do anything with you.
3. His relationship with her is still new so the positives still outweigh the negatives by a huge margin so he may be happy to do things with her that he normally wouldn't want to do. For now.
4. Maybe he still hates dancing and theme parks but again because of the excitement of the honeymoon phase of a new relationship he's going along with what she wants. Maybe in a few months or years time he'll be just as sour to her about those activities as he was with you.
5. Maybe she is being more demanding than you were that he do certain activities. Which is why he does them with her but not with you, because you weren't demanding. And for now, because they've only been together a short while, he's OK doing these activities for her. But after awhile if she continues to be demanding he'll probably grow tired of it.
I think it's really too soon to judge how good their relationship is. For all you know, in a few months or years she may be complaining bitterly that he never makes her breakfast anymore, never wants to go dancing, etc etc.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (3 February 2011):
 Yes, guys treat different girlfriends differently. Sometimes it's because we got older and wiser; sometimes just because we got jaded. I think both are at work here.
With his last girlfriend, he clearly spoiled her... and they broke up anyway. It's possible that made him jaded, and he decided that if acting that way results in a breakup, he should act differently - or at least invest less effort in something that he assumes won't last anyway.
It's also possible that she just inspired him to be more generous, probably by being better at making him happy than you were. THis is also possible with the new girl.
Now, having seen that being sitngy and closed-off didn't work, his new girlfriend benefits from him being older and wiser.
I don't see why you jump from not asking for things to "kicking up a hell of a fuss." Why not ask? Poke and prod? Or drag him along by main force? Do you have to go from zero to sixty in one leap? That's just going to convince a guy you have a princess complex.
In any event, talking and asking about it might be the solution sometimes, but it's better to inspire and make it seem like his idea. A lot of girls say they want things that they don't actually want (as in, they feel like they want it, but when they receive it, they do not act grateful - often the opposite), and guys just stop listening to them because of it. Better to do everything you can to make him happy, to make things easy for him - while at the same time making it clear (calmly and firmly) that you expect every bit as much devotion and effort from him. His efforts must be consistently rewarded, as well.
If that doesn't make it work, he's not worth the effort.
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A
male
reader, df30 +, writes (3 February 2011):
No you don't have to spell anything out, if were not into you we don't want to do anything inconvenient for something were not real serious about. On the other hand sometimes its hard to know what your gf wants, I try for my gf but I always seem to "miss" the clues she gives me. I do my best tho sometimes I come through like a champ, but I digress, he probably didn't see you as a potential wife candidate so he didnt put the effort in.But the thing you need to remember is you said NEW girlfriend, with a new gf you do everything you can think of to impress her and build your image up, (usually to get in her pants)but his gf is new and new to him so hes living it up, I wouldnt think this behavior will go on forever tho hell prob get bored sometime or he truly loves her. I would try not to worry about it anyway hes your ex so maybe he does treat gfs different.
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