A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm feeling really defeated and down so I'm hoping maybe someone can give me some advice since there have been some awesome agony aunts and uncles on this site. I was married to this guy for a few years. The only reason we stayed together for as long as we did was for our child. After 5 years, I couldn't take being so unhappy and not in love with him. ( we got married bc I was pregnant and my family is ultra religious). I know he loves me in his way and has always had my back. I have been very honest and he knows I don't love him. I wish I did and have tried but a loveless marriage was torture. For the last 2 years I was with a man who made me very happy. I was very much in love. We were engaged but we broke up because he turned into this man I didn't even recognize anymore, controlling, mean, etc. BTW, I just learned he cheated on me with a teenager. That made me feel angry and old! So, I've tried to find love. The last 2 men were disappointments for me. All talk and no action. I ended both of these relationships( idk if I should even call them relationships) because I felt I was being strung along. With one, we never had sex. The other, only 3 times in 5 months. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I hope I don't sound full of myself but I think I'm pretty, thin, well dressed, make good money, well read, well educated, speak different languages. What else can I possibly offer? Its not like I spit out phrases in other languages or mention my car. I try to be humble. I let people see for themselves. For example, someone will realize I'm fluent in Spanish or French when I order a meal or I am at a French restaurant. Or they will see me park my car. Or he'll ask to pick me up and see my home. I don't know what to do! I feel like maybe I need to accept that love isn't in the cards for me, which is sad. I've never sought a man who looks like a model or is rich, ever. I even tried online dating but when I finally have a good conversation going, he doesn't want to meet. Then I feel like, Omg, an internet guy doesn't even want to go out with me! Plus, ill feel bad that if only I could have been in love with my ex husband, then I wouldn't be depressed and alone like this. Please help!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (15 October 2011):
 and if you have not already done so,
Please make an appointment. Together, the two of you would be better.
And I think your husband may agree when he knows you are trying extra gard to make it work.
And if he does not want to go to counselling to improve your relationship with your husband?
Then go to counselling alone.
The only person you can change.
It may be the if you change your attitudes
within you, to love, cheating then you can workthis out. Some beliefs and attitudes may be hindering you. Maybe learning how to replace these beliefs with other ones could help you
And wouldn't your life proceed more happily. And be longer.
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (14 October 2011):
I am so sorry you have had such a chequered love life. Your husband sounds like the most honorable of all the men in your life.
But you do not love him? You gave it five years. Did you always feel like you married him under false pretences? Did you feel guilty because he married you in those circumstances?
Yet it seems that deep down he does love you.
And I will quote from your words:
"I know he loves me in his way and has always had my back. I have been very honest and he knows I don't love him. I wish I did and have tried but a loveless marriage was torture. "
Could it be that Depression has made it hard to love your husband? And once again i will quote from your words:
"Plus, i'll feel bad that if only I could have been in love with my ex husband, then I wouldn't be depressed and alone like this"
What if you sought some counselling and some medical treatment via a Doctor for Depression? Maybe if the Depression lifted then you could see yoru husband in a new light? Not unreliable like the present and past crop of boyfriends in the past?
What if the Depression lifted with good treatment? Then what if you could reconsider whether to give your marriage one more chance to work. Over a 12 month period of trying to reconcile with your husband? What have you to lose? You have already suffered a series of unreliable untrustworthy men who have not cared.
But your husband has still shown that He Does Care.
Normally I would not suggest a woman return to a man she does not love. But I am making an exception just this time. And that is because I suspect that you came to see your husband as boring compared against the more risky "bad guys" who you appear to prefer. I do not mean "bad guys" as in criminal. Instead I mean guys who appear more risky, are often cheaky, imay care guys. The sort of guys who "love them and leave them", and treat women as just playthings who they have a fling with but do not remain true and faithful to you.
Whereas your husband does seem true to you. And has taken you back before.
And you have a child together? You can bet that your child would be thrilled to see you make another effort to love your husband, the child's father.
Is it that your husband seems so safe and so reliable that you do not find him exciting enough? Could you trust him and learn to love him over time? In the same way that arranged marriages result often in a couple respecting each other and learning slowing to build the trust until one day they realise how much they love each other and rely on each other?
It does sound as if you have suffered a series of losers who have been "love them and leave them" type huys. You need better than that.
Your husband will not keep forgiving you forever. One day he will say to himself, "enough is enough"
Before you lose the opportunity to rebuild a relationship with him consider the value in trying extra hard one more time to make it work.
You will need to commit to him in your heart and your mind and emotionally. And be certain that you will give it at least a year. Not just a week. And remain completely committed to giving it your all to make it work for the next 12 months.
And be very very clear - infidelity will not ever be considered within that trial time of 12 months. It is important that you give it your best shot.
Remain as positive as you can.
Listen to him very carefully and give him respect at all times. Resolve to be the best you possibly can be.
And give him your trust. And ask him to trust your word. And mean it. Remain as positive as you can. Try to contain any tendency to complain too much. Speak to him respectfully at all times.
The man of your dreams may really already be in your life. But other things may have hidden this fact from you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2011): I was in a similar situation as you. Once upon a time, I married a man I didn't love. My reason was different. I married him because I believed I was unlovable by any man I found attractive, and that I was unable to move out of my parent's house on my own. I wasn't getting along with my father at the time, and saw marrying a man I didn't love as the way out. He seemed to love me but I did not love him or find him attractive at all. We had a child together and after that I realized how much I didn't love him and how unhappy he made me. So I told him "I don't love you." After that he began abusing/raping me, (which no one believes because we were married,) but it is true. We were married five years. I stayed so long because I was afraid he would take my son. When I finally got the courage to leave, he did take my son in revenge. That is my story, and why it is somewhat similar, (although different.) Now, my advice to you. I don't think that love isn't in the cards for you. I did meet a man I love, find attractive, and we are married and having our second child. I met him when I was not expecting to meet him. He is five years younger than me and lived in another state. We met online, and have spent every single day together for the last six years since the day we met. (first online then in person.)Real love takes time. It happens suddenly and without warning. The best thing to do is to be open. Instead of seeking for love, take care of yourself. Go out and do the things you enjoy. Join local clubs or groups that do things that you like. The thing with me and my husband is we have very similar hobbies and tastes. We met do to our hobbies we are passionate about.It isn't always easy. He knows the story of my past and finds it hard to believe that anyone would marry someone they didn't love. Sometimes he thinks I'm lying about it, because it doesn't make sense to him. So that can be hard for some people to understand. Before I met him another guy I liked told me he would never date a girl like me, because I was deceitful and was incapable of love. This was not true. I made a huge error. I paid for it with my son. So, I say be patient and have fun with life. Love will happen on its own when it is time. It won't be a fairytale, but you can lead a happy life and move on despite your past.
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