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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:**Sorry to re-post my question but I didn't receive any answers :(**Is it normal for men to become 'immune' to small fights and arguments? My fiance just doesn't seem to care about talking things out, but would rather sweep it under the rug and not really talk about it. His view is that I get upset and angry every week so it's hard for him to still have strong feelings about it every time. I'm feeling hurt cause it makes it seem like he doesn't care about the relationship, and we have talked about it, and he says it's normal? Opinions and advice would be greatly appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2011): OP, I think what most people are saying (or what I'm saying anyway)is that it all depends on what "x" is.If "x" is: "I'm upset because you put your coat on the sofa instead of hanging it up AGAIN!" then I could understand why he ignores it if it's delivered on a weekly basis.If "x" is: "I'm upset because we never spend time together and everytime I ask, you make an excuse" and he walks out the door, then I think you might have a legitmate concern.Could you tell us what sort of conflict he does bother to engage in? Specifics?Whatever, "x" might be, if someone habitually ignores you, it's not a great sign and it's unlikely he'll change. If you can't live with it, you should revaluate if the relationship makes you happy or not.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2011): I think you are talking about nagging and yes, people tune you out when you nag too much!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2011): You can word it as many ways as you want OP, the simple fact is you keep bringing up the same things and keep starting fights over menial things.
He keeps saying "what's new?" which means you're doing this a lot. It gets old OP, it gets old listening to someone bring up the same crap over and over or even bringing up new menial little things just to create some drama.
He does care because he's still there isn't he? He's just getting bored with you being upset with him over every little thing so instead of getting pissed at you for always having something to moan about he's letting it slide.
OP you better stop testing his patience and pushing his buttons or he's just going to walk away, even the nicest guys can only put up with so much from a girl that constantly starts fights and then questions him over not playing along. Seriously if you're this upset all the time then maybe you need to break up. If he upsets you so much that you feel the need to be pissed at him so regularly then why are you with him?
OP it's no fun dating a person who finds so many things to whine and moan about and even creates drama out of the fact that you don't want to fight.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2011): *This is the OP* I should have worded my question differently, as I'm getting a variety of answers. Here's a for instance:
Me: I'm upset with you because of x
Him: What else is new *walks out of room*
He doesn't seem to care about my feelings, cause it "happens so often" and claims this is normal behavior. I get upset, because he doesn't care to even ask or display any kind of emotion. I'm really confused and unsure if this behavior is normal?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2011): I agree with a lot of what Cerebus said.
Some couples thrive on arguing about little things. My brother and his wife are this way. I've literally watched them get into a fight over the weather.
I don't think fighting about the small stuff indicates that you care or love the person. However, it tend to indicate that someone wants to be acknowledged, wants attention, wants to be "correct," or simply wants to win in a certain instance.
The trouble I have with petty arguments is that they tend to crop up around people who are having larger unspoken problems. It's rarely the actually subject of the argument that makes the arguer so upset, it's usually a bigger relationship problem that isn't being addressed.
For instance, someone who is upset their husband doesn't clean up after themselves and therefore has to take on an unfair amount of work in the kitchen will likely grow resentful. They might not say they are resentful, but they might start a fight to the death about the ideal place to put the pots in the kitchen or how to ideal way to go about fixing the sink disposal.
It's not that he is immune to small fights, he just doesn't see the point in wasting the energy getting angry or emotional about trivial things...so he lets you win the argument.
If you can locate the larger problem you have with your husband, if you feel he doesn't appreciate you or he never consults you opinion, then bring that specific problem up for discussion in a calm way and tell him how you feel. Don't harp on him about the small stuff. It's a distraction from the real problem.
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reader, eek  +, writes (6 April 2011):
 my girlfriend also gets mad for no real reason. when she shouts i dont, i stay calm. But one thing i always do is try to get her to talk calmly about why she is upset in first place.My advise to you is next time you know your getting wound up stop. Take a deep breath. And just talk to him about whatever it is calmly. He will probably be a lot more responsive. No one likes to argue it does not do either of you any good.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2011): Yeah it's normal, it's the same as when your mom tells you clean you room and you refuse. Or you fight with a sibling over use of the bathroom. You just get used to it and it doesn't bother you because it's the same thing over and over.
OP why do you feel hurt? You make it sound like arguing is important to you, in fact it sounds to me like you enjoy arguing with him and now you're pissed because he's decided to let it slide instead of continuing. OP him doing this means he does care, you wanna know why? Because being in a relationship with person who likes to argue about little things all the time is annoying as hell. Especially when they feel hurt because you won't feed their desire for drama.
You need to ask yourself why him stopping this negative behaviour is a bad thing for you and why you automatically assume he doesn't care because he won't fight with you?
If you want the truth OP that's what drama queens do. They pick fights about small menial things and then blow them out of proportion, if you stop arguing with them then they use the fact you're trying to protect the relationship by stopping fights as a reason to fight. You can't win with drama queens so you just stop fighting with them.
No one answered your other question because no one wants to tell you that you're acting like a drama queen. But seriously what you're feeling makes no sense other than you're acting that way.
I mean come on, you're questioning his commitment to you because he won't fight you? Really?
It is normal to what he's doing, it's normal for him to take a step back and find a new way of dealing with this drama because if he doesn't deal with it this way then the regular fighting over small things will slowly grind away at your relationship. He's doing this because he cares about you and wants to be with you and is getting annoyed at the constant bickering.
Just relax and go with it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2011): Hmm... I'm only sightly older than you and have been in only a few relationships. Here's my view. Typically we (men) don't see things the same way women do. What women think it's a problem, we never thought it's a problem. A lot of time what seem to be a very minor issue to us is a major issue to women. It doesn't mean we don't care about our women. Our brains simply operate the different way. Personally I prefer to avoid confrontation or "talk" with my girlfriends. In my opinion, such talk should be preserved to only serious matters; maybe a few times a year, not every week like you mentioned. Talking is a good way to understand each other but too often tend to sour the relationship no matter the outcome of the talk. Please be patient to your man and don't get angry while talking to him. Anger never solve any problems. Good luck.
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female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (6 April 2011):
That sounds like my life, and I've started viewing it as sort of normal. Because what I've noticed is that guys are often more easygoing and although they might get mad, they cool off more easily and don't think about it anymore. On the other hand, I've noticed that girls tend to obsess about problems more and when arguments/fights start, we want to continue it past the point where the guy would have said that everything has been discussed. If you want to have the small fights/arguments, try to phrase them in more of a discussion format, without as much emotion/anger/drama. Try to pick your fights, because too many of them become too draining and then the guy's patience runs out. Try to talk about it in a constructive way: problem, then solution. And keep it short and sweet. The solution should be something both of you can work on and be reasonable and realistic.
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reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (6 April 2011):
 It is not normal and a lack of communication at such an early stage in a committed relationship means that it is not going to change.I recommend you suggest him changing or you guys not getting married.He does not have the right to get engaged to you and then start being that way. When in a relationship where you have been at it for a while, it is easy to get comfortable and slack off. However, a real relationship that is meant to be, where you are supposed to spend the rest of your lives together, does not involve one party ignoring the other.If that is normal to him, leave him, because it is going to be the norm of your relationship for the next fifty years.No, he can't change.
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