A
female
age
36-40,
*arriedOne
writes:My husband and I are most likely divorcing, he refuses to work on things and a whole mess of other details I'm leaving out...Basically, I know it is the right thing to do. I know I deserve to be happy. I know that nothing will ever change.My husband is easily able to say he wants a divorce, yet stays... Probably because he said he will feel bad to divorce me and probably doesn't want the burden. Therefore, I think I need to really pull the plug on this, and I'm dreading it. I still love him, am still in love... It is so hard. Do other people divorce too, because it is the right thing to do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2012): MarriedOne since when has love ever been enough? Since when has love been more important than contentment or happiness?
Does love heal the bruises of a domestic violence victim or ensure their partner isn't going snap and kill them some day? Has love ever been enough to hold together two people who are incompatible? Surely you've seen people like that who have tried, and surely you've seen how immensely unhappy they are.
Now if you're asking the question on a practical level, in the sense of "How do I find the strength?"
In a way you just do. You start by setting up your life beyond him. You look into your finances and start separating them, you start to figure out where you're going to go or whether he's moving out etc.
You know this has to be done, so you go about getting the practical stuff done. You start slowly cutting off all ties with this man and you start with the little things, the easy things. You see by doing so you give it a little time to sink in, once you get the ball rolling it will gather pace and OP it's very important that you start cutting contact with him too. He sounds he will accept it and go along with it.
The choice is simple OP, you can drag this out into a long painful bitch of a thing or you can rip it off like a band-aid. You deserve to be happy but you're the only one who can make that happen, this has to happen and it's not going to get any easier by stalling. Whether you wait another week, month or year then it's still going to be like this and it's still going to hurt like hell. How much time are you willing to lose to this guy when you know you have to move on?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2012): Yes married people still do get divored when still in love. I've been married for 9 yrs. and I have had many ups and downs with my husbband. I stood by his side threw thick and thin. He's a drug addict, a cheater, a liar, constantly in jail and much more but yet he had another side to him that was sweet, kind, compassionate, loving, forgiving. He gave the best of both world but I only needed one. During our marriage I was bitter, miserable, mad all the time and held back sex because of the way he made me feel. So much time has past breaking up and getting back together. I thought he was getting hisself together cause that's what he promised so, I gave him time toget hisself together and me too. Durin our 2yrs. time away from one another he met a very young girl 9 yrs younger than him while he was locked up, came out, went with her, had a son with her. He tells me he's in love with me and at but he loves her. I asked for counseling and he said no and that was my last resort. Besides he left me with his 4 children to b with the younging so there was nothing left for me to do but file for divorce. Yes I am madly in love still with my husband and he doesn't evn want the divorce but I can't keep living this way so I have no other choice. I want to b happy and free from all the deciet. I belive he loves me but he 1st must love himself and he doesn't. And I love him enough to let him go and hope 1 day he will grow up, find himself, love some1 the way he loves hisslef and be happy. Hope that my story has helped you and others who maybe struggling with questions like yours or similiar. Be bless
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reader, DoubleM +, writes (21 July 2012):
 To "MarriedOne," you wrote, "how can I divorce someone I love? I am going to go ahead and guess that my husband doesn't truly love me in return the same way..."
It is difficult to understand, as I know so well, but I hope you will eventually come to realize that as a young woman, you have a lot of potential life and happiness ahead for you. Sometimes, marriages do not work out. In youth, what seems so perfect may not be the reality. Whatever the results of your situation, do not allow yourself to become trapped in a relationship that is painful. My hope would be that all goes well with a solution, but above all, do what must be.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2012): I hung onto my second marriage because I loved my Husband and he loved me.It was when he told me he was unhappy to be married. He loved me but he wasn't happy.That explained 10 years of him leaving the marriage to go live with his Mother- the bouncing back and forth. The low self esteem. The 'dark moods'.I did tell him I did not think he was of sound mind to make such a life altering decision, that he should first seek medical aid, but in the end, yes, I loved him, I wanted him to be happy, it was going to hurt my family, my children.I let him go. I told him to leave. It was over. And I would not take him back this time. So he better make sure it was what he wanted. He left.After 4 months of living with his Mother and realizing that he loved and missed me, after she paid his debts, he wanted to come home. I told him no.It was a hard decision but what I have learnt is that when you love someone who may have a personality disorder or will not have full mental health- it is a struggle and fight to have a healthy, loving, strong friendship and marriage.For overall happiness and health and well being; it is sometimes the BEST decision to divorce.There are many prepared so with this, in time, when you are ready, you will find a man more suited for marriage, more able to be what you need.*hugs*
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 July 2012):
 Yes, I think you can divorce someone you love. Just because you still love them doesn't mean the marriage is healthy.
Sometimes you are more in love with the "idea" of another person then who he/she really is. If that makes sense.
I would get out now, there is no change or meeting you halfway from his side, I think he is a "take it or leave it" kind of guy. So either you suck it up, adapt to HIS mindset or you get out and move on.
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reader, doublejack +, writes (20 July 2012):
As someone who went through a divorce, I believe this scenario happens all of the time. A so-called "messy" divorce happens when there is a lot of animosity in what was once a harmonious relationship. But not all marriages dissolve that way. In some cases, the couple still get along great, or one still has love for the other, but it just didn't work out. So hopefully that means if the end is indeed here, the divorce process will go peacefully and smoothly for you and your husband.In my case, I remained in the relationship 3 years longer than I should have. It was very, very hard on me. In hindsight, filing for divorce was one of the best decisions I have made in my life. I should have done it sooner. I am so much happier, and I have no problems getting along with my ex-wife on the occasions I see her.Best of luck!
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reader, MarriedOne +, writes (20 July 2012):
MarriedOne is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI should have said also "Do many divorce even if ONE is still in love?" or something like that... it's just weird, how can I divorce someone I love? I am going to go ahead and guess that my husband doesn't truly love me in return the same way...
The situation has gone on long enough really. It's just hard, how can I leave if I love him so much??
He won't go to counseling so I went alone. He's a mummy's boy. The counselor said "she trained him well"... He is never around, I am dead last and he admits this and says nothing will change. He is honest. Tells me to move on.. but stays?? And will laugh with me? It confuses me.
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reader, DoubleM +, writes (20 July 2012):
Depending upon the ages of those involved, the years of history and experiences, whether or not children are involved and a few other factors that may apply, a divorce can be a very sad affair.
You do not say why you think that a divorce from your husband is "the right thing to do," other than imply that you are unhappy and that he is obstinate. If that is the case, then at your apparent age, a divorce may be appropriate. You must be quite young, based on the posting. The older you become, based on my experiences, the more difficult, and destructive in many ways, a falling out can be - especially after many years.
To answer your question: In my opinion, a couple can still be in love, yet find too many differences or problems that render the marriage untenable. Perhaps the greatest challenge in life, for a person of any gender or persuasion, is finding the so-called "perfect companion," and perfection is impossible.
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reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (20 July 2012):
 Have you tried counselling?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2012): Maybe he deserves to be happy as well,seems like that's why your getting a divorce because you seem selfish. Maybe you need to change. Nah people who love each other don't divorce end of.
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