A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My daughter and I have a good relationship overall. However, when I divorced form her father I was 25 and met a new partner who was 5 years younger than me. 28 years later we are still sort of together - we have separated many times but always got back together. Now we are in a kind of limbo because I am not sure what to do and it feels like crunch time because I'm depressed a lot of the time and now feel almost constant remorse.I hate myself because we used to argue a lot, very badly, and my daughter was exposed to this as a child. In later life she had come to realise this negatively affected her and from time to time she suffers with depression and anxiety. This is not the only thing that affected her - her own father has never offered any form of support to her or to me and she has no contact with him now. Similarly, neither his family or my own family have ever supported or offered to help her or me. As mother and daughter we were a fantastic pair, determined to make life good, and she knows I was almost like a super-human Mum, doing my absolute best on every front. The thing is it was so incredibly hard and stressful for me - all of my effort went into being strong, stable, working hard, providing, making sure she joined in good groups after school and had a nice home and pets, nice clothes and friends to play with. My only weakness was getting together with this person who argued with me and who also never engaged with her. He was like my one 'outlet' for the stress I experienced but also he was and remains a massive source of stress. I even developed a chronic, stress related illness because of how extreme his behaviour was. He was never cruel to my daughter, and it's not like he made a choice to withold affection, it's just that he was very obviously useless on that front and never did anything at all to make her feel special in any way. It hurt so much but, as a newly single Mum, I'd been made to feel that I was lucky to even be accepted into society at all; at that time, single mothers were really looked down upon and still are to a degree. I felt like i had to be grateful for anything in life at all, and to help others rather than feel I deserved to be helped. At my age, this now sounds crazy; why would I want that person in my life at all? But the other thing was that I never new where the relationship was headed, I loved him very deeply, but at the same time he was so casual and selfish that it always made it feel more like a casual relationship that refused to go away and now, nearly three decades later, is a lot calmer, but I still don't - and never really did - feel totally 'on board' with this person. It's not that I'm not committed because I really am, and I've helped him enormously and over the years he has helped me too.What we now know, but only because I did extensive research over many years and finally got him to agree to a screening, is that he has ADHD and a form of dyslexia. This explains all of the 'bad' behaviours that used to cause us to argue; he lacked impulse control and would say and do very insensitive things, never planned anything - not a single thing ever, was never able to show much depth in terms of being able to reflect on things or intellectually grapple with anything and he was unfaithful and very, very selfish many times. Looking back, I cannot believe how lacking in empathy he was and how or why I felt I deserved such a selfish person.The thing is he was also a lot of fun, and I realise his bad points meant I could in some ways keep the idea of a 'real' relationship at bay; I had a very trapped marriage at a young age, and controlling and abusive parents prior to that, and never wanted to go back to that. In some ways we are now at a stage where we have grown a lot and are good friends who look out for one another. We are like companions who have learned to live together and we have a fairly stable, fairly pleasant but fairly boring life. He's not my ideal man but, in the times when we did split up, I had some attention from men who seemed like my ideal men and was treated very badly, even before anything got to a stage of intimacy (physical or emotional). In some ways he is the only person who, despite all is flaws, has always been there for me behind the scenes. I was always working and couldn't join in with other mother's, and for a long time had no friends at all due to having no money and no free time to socialise. That said, his ADHD has constantly, very significantly drained me behind the scenes, in ways that I think only someone who is partner to someone with ADHD would be able to understand. I feel bad because I know he can't help this disability but I also feel duped into taking this on without knowing; his parents knew something was 'wrong' but never did anything to address it and still show no interest. They are kind of oblivious and I feel I've had to be the parent. I never once have felt protected by him in that man to woman way that I crave. I'm never allowed to be weak but, at the same time, It's like his ADHD weakens me in the wrong way. He is also shorter than me and despite my every effort to not let this matter, I have spent years numbing myself to what I feel is an instinctual 'this person is not right for you' feeling and also being alarmed to find that, when I do stand close to a man who is taller than me, all the 'right' kind of sensations start to kick in - this honestly scares me because I'm not remotely conscious of being attracted to the man in question, it's just that this instinctual response seems to kick in without my control. The same happens when I speak with a fully functioning man whose intellect is 'all there'; that sounds awful, but I am honestly worn out by neurodiversity - it is exhausting to be around and continually support.I absolutely hate that I have been weak enough to let this person enter into my life and let this relationship stay, because it has badly affected my daughter and spoiled the bond we had, and possibly damaged her as an adult. The guilt and remorse I feel about how it has affected her honestly make me feel like I don't deserve to be a mother, and that I just want to die from pain at what damage I may have done. At the same time, I keep thinking 'He wants to be closer to her now and he understands how his ADHD has affected things, I'm too old to make a change now and too weak, and my daughter seems either resigned or past caring but also understands a lot of his behaviour and our arguing were due to his ADHD, so maybe the best thing is to all try to move on together, more positively. I get so confused.I'm otherwise a really strong woman, but come from a very dysfunctional, abusive family and feel like I simply can't ever have and live a happy, good life where other good and functional people are involved in it; I have a few friends that I really like and care about but none of them have children except one whose child is nowhere near as old as my now adult daughter. I guess the fact I'm writing here means I don't really feel I can just call them and they will be there for me; they would, but it's like i would have to make a date to see them and then prepare and package up my story to make it easier for them to comment on, rather than having a more spontaneous kind of support that often comes from family. I read online all the time about friends that are supposed to be true friends who are 'there' for you, but the reality is that this rarely is the case and the only person who has really 'been there' for me is this guy. If I leave him, I would have to leave the city we live in, which is far too expensive for me to afford. I absolutely love this city, I love my jobs and would have to leave them too if I have to move and I fear trying to find another job at my age. I have a property that I rent which I pay a mortgage on and which is meant to be my pension because my work pension will be paltry. My employment is contractual and very insecure but based in this city. I have another property abroad which was meant to be a place for my daughter and her children, when she has them, to spend time together with me. Overall, I have so much self doubt, caused mainly by years of being with this person, that I doubt I can make any right decision anymore. I fear making the wrong decision when there may be a chance to make everything all right. What do you think? Should I not even think this through any further and just walk away from a man that pretty much ignored my daughter when she was growing up? My instinct back then was to do that, but I was too weak, and I hate myself for being weak enough to have hurt my daughter, maybe permanently so.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2021): Do you walk away? What are you holding onto? After all this time, what will it take to make you realize he's not going to change? It's up to your daughter to pursue a relationship with her father, it she wants to. She should be prepared to handle it if he doesn't. Going to pieces about that solves what? Unfortunately, not all families get along.
You've vented a lot of regret; but you didn't seem to learn anything from your experiences with these men over the years.
This is DC, so we expect to receive hundreds upon thousands of posts from women (and men) about failed or troubled-relationships. That's what we're here for. The problem with a vast number of these poor relationships is that they insist on holding onto men hoping they will change them. No matter how badly they are abused, neglected, abandoned, or repeatedly cheated-on. They fixate on this guy, and that's that!!!
You can write a novel expressing your pain; but throughout your post you kept giving yourself an excuse to keep your present boyfriend. Then you referenced your daughter's father, who has been out of your life for years. Then he is no longer a problem, by self-elimination. If one, or both, parents refuse to accept responsibility, or acknowledge their own offspring; there is no choice, but to move-on, and live your life as best you can without them. Sometimes that's the life we're dealt. You have the choice to seek your happiness, or beat yourself up about it.
Lamenting and agonizing over the fact her father never acknowledged her; doesn't detract from the fact she can live a full and happy life regardless. It would be ideal that he was a loving presence in her life; but the reality is that he wasn't, and isn't. He obviously doesn't want to be. That's no reflection on the beautiful person she can still be. We can never really say he may never be; because we can't read the future. Life goes-on! She is an adult now, and has had a full life without him; so there is no reason to live your lives in regret or despair over it. You can't make people feel what they can't feel; or force them to love whom they absolutely don't love. Love has to be there in his heart to offer it. Apparently, it isn't there; so forget he ever lived. What good is suffering over something you can't change or fix? It wasn't meant to be. He never held the key to either of your happiness. It is the same as if he died before she was born. She never emotionally bonded with him, and doesn't know him. Only you can raise any memory, drama, or emotion about him. Stop blaming him, and stop projecting your feelings about him onto your daughter. Don't remind her of his rejection.
We can live life destroying ourselves over things that aren't the way we want them to be; or people who can't be what we want them to be. In total contrast, we can live and appreciate the gift of life as it is given to us. If you've been projecting your sorrows, regrets, and misgivings unto your daughter; because you couldn't let-go of a man, who seems incapable of being the kind of man you want him to be. She has now inherited the anguish and unhappiness you've insisted on passing-down to her. She'll find help, and I pray she will move past it; but your present life with that boyfriend you're complaining about is a constant reminder. He's still there. It's not too late to set the record straight, and turn it all around. Your stubborn persistence is the problem.
The same responses to the post given below can also apply to yours:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-really-want-to-trust-my-husband-but.html
Many of the problems you read here can be resolved by letting-go and moving on. It's not as simple in a marriage. In marriage, you've made vows that require you to fight and exhaust every possible option to save it. Boyfriends and girlfriends are not due this kind of ride or die commitment. Especially, when nothing changes; and it's blatantly evident things are only getting worse.
Stubbornness and entitlement makes people insist on forcing things to be the way they want them to be. They'll totally ignore the reality, and delude themselves. It's worse when the children involved are suffering for the mistakes of their parents. Then when things finally disintegrate totally beyond any possible reversal; that's when people finally give-up. Meanwhile, years of almost irreparable emotional-damage has set-in. Often requiring years of trauma therapy; or worse, the dysfunction is simply carried-on into the next generation.
Not only should you walkaway, you should never contact that boyfriend again. What good has he done for you in the present? From your novel, there's not much good in the past either! You're still living in the past, and trying to draw something out of him that isn't there. Then you'll complain about how he has affected your health. Worse than that! He has even contributed to, or complicated, your daughter's mental-health and emotional-development issues.
The problem here is the absence of some simple commonsense; and what seems like a great deal of stubbornness. You can't always allow the heart to rule things. Clinging to what can't be fixed; and basically thriving on drama. Let him go, move on, seek some therapy and medical attention; and get-on with your life.
I strongly urge you to seek some spiritual-healing through faith and worship; if you believe in God. Leave the past behind, and live your life in the present. Look forward to a brighter future. Not not spend your life wallowing and drowning in the pain and suffering of old broken and dysfunctional relationships. You've prolonged your own pain; and some of it became the fallout that has affected your daughter.
Life is only doom and gloom if that's the only way you want to look at it. All because two men didn't turnout to be the shining knights you wanted them to be. Such is life, and it is what it is! Sit-down with a minister of faith. A priest, rabbi, imam, or pastor...whatever faith and belief you ascribe to. You must heal from the inside-out. Emotional-pain runs deep, and you have to heal the soul as well as the mind and body. If you believe in God, pray for comfort and guidance. Spend time with a "new" therapist; if the one you've been seeing in the past isn't making any progress. If you've never sought any kind of counseling whatsoever, why not??? It's nice to vent, but you also need the evaluation and counseling of people professionally-trained and/or anointed by God; for the purpose of helping people through their stress, pain, suffering, and anguish. We all need help now and then.
Life is a gift from God. People we love are a part of it; but they don't decide your fate and destiny. If they're not related by blood; they may only be passing through. Even relatives may move on, never to be seen again. You learn from them, they may contribute something good to your life; but when the time comes that they need to go, let them. If her father wasn't a good-man, it may have been by divine intervention that he was kept away from your daughter. Not altogether by his own choosing. He may have secrets or ways best kept away from the both of you.
There is no use in loving and struggling to keep a man, or woman, who doesn't love you back. Holding-on to him waiting for some kind of miraculous change; might even destroy your own life in the meantime. You can't change who people truly are, down to their core. They/we are who they/we want to be. You can only change yourself. Look how hard that is! They will almost always disappoint you; just as we can sometimes disappoint ourselves. We should consciously realize our mistakes, and try to correct them. The benefit of growing-older is the wisdom and experience we accumulate over a lifetime. By trial and error, and all the challenges and obstacles we overcome; we develop the will and skills to survive.
Life is too short; so survive! The quality of your life from now into the future is not defined or limited due to your past mistakes. Use what you've learned, perfect what you're good at; and gain the victory over whatever you must overcome. Make the best of what you've got, or have accomplished. Thank God, for all your blessings! Look forward, not back! Remove people from your life who don't lift and enrich your spirit. The world is populated with over 8 billion people. You'll find at least one new friend, somewhere! Give-up on people who don't possess the character and attributes you need to empower and improve your life. If you don't know where to start, start with a prayer. God will show you and provide what you need! If you don't believe that, then try it on your own.
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