A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Ok, where to start? I guess I will attempt to explain this scenario from the beginning. Though will try to keep it at a high level as not to bore you.Back in September of 2007 my wife told me as we were going to bed that she was not attracted to me, nor did she love and wanted to control her own universe. I was blown away as many men are by this statement. Sometimes us men can seem oblivious to relationship issues even though we feel something is wrong. In the beginning:We dated for a couple of years and were both very intimate and I asked her to marry me. At the time of marriage I did bring my 10 year old daughter into the relationship whom I raised by myself (She was from a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship as I had never been married before). The first year we were married we had our first daughter together (my second). Then two years later we had another daughter for a total of three children in the family. As we all know rearing small children takes time and effort. She was tending to her small children (nursing, etc) as well as I (playing on the floor, diapers, etc) but also had to tend to my older child to make sure her needs are met as well as running to Gymnastics, school basketball games, etc. Basically trying my best to parent two generations of children and doing projects in our house trying to create a nice home for my family. I will admit I also put too much time into that as I enjoyed fixing up the house but as hind sight is 20/20 paid less attention to our relationship.After our second daughter was born the relationship between my wife and I seem to come to a halt. No intimacy, conversation was limited to children schedules.As most of us know there are three phases of marriage: 1.Intimacy 2.Conflict and 3.Withdrawal, it seems we missed out on the second phase of Conflict as we never fought or really even argued for that matter. Maybe neither of us wanted to rock the boat? I could feel something was wrong between the two of us and have asked on several occasions "What is the matter, I know there is something wrong". Reply: I am having a bad period or I think I am going through a mid-life crisis (we are both in our mid 40’s). And I would reply: I am sorry to hear that is there anything I can do to help. Reply: You could have my period for me. This scenario went on for a very long time until she finally told me “I don’t love you” statement. Now true, in any relationship one or the other is going to have feelings like that because no two people are completely compatible. But that doesn’t mean you throw the whole family in disarray. With that said.While we were both in our relationship withdrawal phases I started to drink more and more. Not that I was ever abusive in any way, shape or form as I truly love my wife and children but did end up getting an OWI (Operating While Intoxicated) ticket. Talk about icing on the cake? Why I did that is yet to be explained. I believe I went into self-pity mode and started using alcohol for a band-aid. None-the-less, I went through treatment and did learn quite a bit about myself (very helpful) during that time and realized what an idiot I was (For all that read this and are thinking of the same alcohol cure. Don’t do it, makes matters worse). So, after the OWI offense is when she moved out and filed for a divorce, however.Throughout the proceedings she did end up filing for a legal separation instead and I of course went along with it as I am thinking that gives me hope and time to try and win her back.Win her back: I’ve asked her to go to counseling, speak with the priest that married us as well as attend a “Save our Marriage” workshop, all declined. Done many other small things without spending a lot of money, for example, send flowers to her work with “love you notes”, send here a hand mirror with a note attached “This is the woman I love…”, etc., never a comment. Sent emails, never a comment except for one day when I went on a church retreat I called her and she advised she just deletes the mail when aware of the content. So, after more than year since she has moved out, I give up as I think I am over burdening her more than anything. If she wants to re-establish our marriage and family I am thinking she will come to me as she knows where I stand. Thinking of that brings back the memory when my attorney asked during the separation court date “Do you believe this marriage is irretrievably broken” I answered: I feel that this state should make it harder for people to get married and when divorce and/or separation papers are filed there should be automatic counseling with waiting periods opposed to this no-fault divorce law. However, if abuse is involved then this statement would not apply. I think the judge felt sympathetic for me as he knew I did not want to separate and/or divorce.Now, my eldest daughter just graduated from high school this year and I asked the wife or ex-wife I don’t know what she is anymore) if she would care to attend and she accepted. We all went to the commencement as a family and I could have sworn while we were taking pictures together she called me sweet-heart but I did not respond why? Because when we were initially attending mediation counseling in regards to child placement the mediator asked me if I would ever consider attempting to re-establish our relationship. Of course I said yes. Then he asked her the same question and she answered yes. After the meeting I stated I was surprised by her answer and she replied “Sorry, I didn’t understand the question”. Well, I thought, you are intelligent and that was a yes or no question. Ok, I do apologize for this essay but wanted to fit as much information as I could.It’s been over a year and a half since she moved out. Do I wait for 12/31/2010 when the separation will be converted to a divorce to start dating again? Or do I wait it out. If I wait it out I don’t want to be burned in the end. Yet, if it is over, I don’t want to be an old man before I start looking for another relationship as I think I would still give it some time after the final divorce. I truly love this woman and am willing to wait it out but only if I knew an answer.I do apologize if I have made this too long of a thread. Any questions please ask.Confused
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Old Guy for your input! Like you said "Don’t date until you’re sure that point has come and gone". That is exactly how I feel. On the other hand I don't want to wait for an empty result? As she has stated over and over when I would ask her out on a date "No, I don't want to get your hopes up". I've had several chances to go on dates but then again I feel like I would be cheating on my wife. I even was bold enough one day (which I should not have done) and called her dad about a year ago (as I have always been on good terms with her family) to see what he thought of the whole situation. He told me to get over it. Which did nothing more than make me feel worse. Heck, last year I lost over 50 lbs and now weigh less than I did in high school (though not relevant to this conversation). Non-the-less we get along great and I feel there may be a chance she will reconcile. Yet if I ever bring up the subject she shuts down completely. I have traversed this crisis for over a year and cannot come up with an answer either way and is why I have finally resourced out to the internet. It just does not make sense. The only thing I can come up with is first of all she does not like alcohol. Which I can respect. As she said to me along time ago: Alcohol + men = no common sense. Now that is a solid statement. And then I go out and get an OWI, bad move. I think part of the issue is she comes from a wealthy family and I come from the lower middle class. Though we are very close in age and make almost the same income. And where she never partied much growing up and I just the opposite. Though not an every day drinker just sometimes drank too much when out with my brothers.And I know I am not to old to find a new relationship. After all I am only 44 yrs old. Just seems like I am getting older to start over. Don't want to start another family (had that take care of) and I spent over a 1/4 of my life with my wife. I would truly like to have my family back together again but as you said "It appears she has already moved on". Which I believe she has, I believe she has mourned during the marriage and I am mourning after. However, I wish I could instill that I now realize what has happened and would guarantee it would never happen again. This is her second marriage and my first. Or shall I call her a practice wife? No, sounds like an insult.After time has gone by I am getting over her but something still makes me hang on. I've analyzed that as well and have come to the conclusion it is justified by simply love.Not to be conceited but I feel I am a hell of a guy and only ask for a second chance. If that failed then I would say I am sorry and I wish you luck!Thank you again for your thoughts Old Guy. I sincerely appreciate it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2009): Dear Confused,
Thank you for a very clear explanation of what’s going on.
I’m very sorry that you’ve found yourself in this situation. You sound like a good guy, notwithstanding some very human lapses.
If I had a question, it would be to flesh out just what went on around the birth of the second child you had together. That seems to be the cusp, where things started to go wrong. Your drinking only became an issue later, so something seems to have happened with her. You don’t suggest that she was involved with someone else – do you think that’s an issue?
It sounds like you’ve taken all the right steps – suggesting a meeting with your priest, and then counseling. Her unwillingness to take those opportunities rather suggests that she’s made up her mind. Honestly I don’t know what else you could do.
IMHO the idea of your waiting an extra 18 months doesn’t make you an “old man” – sounds like we’re around the same age, so we both know that a year and a half doesn’t make much difference at this point – blink and the time’s gone. The question isn’t whether waiting makes you too old to find a new relationship. Rather, the question is when do you give up and start investing in something new. And that depends entirely on your comfort level. No one here can guess what might be in her heart, although the way you’ve described it suggests that she’s already moved on. If you think that what she said at the graduation means there might be hope, then your own sanity probably demands that you wait it out until the divorce is final. Don’t move on until you’re sure that she’s gone forever. But when you *are* sure, then take care of yourself. There will come a point where you *must* leave her behind. Don’t date until you’re sure that point has come and gone. But do date when you’re sure.
You sound like a helluva guy. Take care of yourself.
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