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female
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anonymous
writes:My bf looks down upon 'housewives'. This really upsets me because my mum is a 'housewife', as she doesnt work, she chose to give up a career and stay at home and dedicate herself 100% to our family and our house. I cant explain how much I appreciate what she has done. Shes such a smart person and she could of gone so far with her career yet, she gave it up for us. My bf, however, doesnt seem to appreciate women who do that, he thinks anyone who doesnt work as losers (although he never called my mum that, but thats how he refers to everyone else who doesnt work), and he said to me 'what on earth does she do all day? does she just sit around the house? must get boring'. I was so offended by that! My mum works so hard, and wht he doesnt realise is that I wouldnt be the person I am today, the person he loves if my mum wasnt there for me 24/7 while I was growing up.I dont really know how to deal with this, because I feel like he looks down upon my mum and therefore, I feel like he looks down upon me too, even though I dont plan on following in my mums footsteps as such, I am at uni and am about to graduate.I feel like if he cant accept my mum, then he cant accept me, because she is part of me, I am part of her. She means the world to me and I cant stand anyone who disrespects her. I am 20 years old and my bf is 25. Any opinions on my sitution? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAsk oldersister- No he doesnt have a college degree. Its quite ironic...its not like his job is considered highly, he gets paid alot, but it doesnt require brains, more so manual labor. Hes been in his current job for 3 years now. So I guess thats quite stable considering his age?
rhythmandblues2- thats what I was thinking as well, it could be more an issue of whether or not he thinks a family could survive on one income. He did say to me that my dad must earn alot then if my mum doesnt work. But the thing is he doesnt earn HEAPS, but he doesnt earn little either, I think he probably has a just above average income. Yet my mum is really good with handling money, so thats how we get by.
Thanks for everyones help, really appreciate it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2009): You know money is the thing that most married couples fight about, it is the one thing that is most likely to result in divorce if at great odds.
I think this is an issue about how money is to be managed in the relationship. From what you state he has the attitude and more importantaly the belief that a wife should always work to contribute financially to the union regardless of children and how you want to raise them.
I can't think of a more important job than to be a stay at home mom. Not all Americans have this luxury however, and that may be his concern. I would speak to him about this. Is this a concern for you because you think we will not be able to afford for me to stay at home to raise our children in their early years as opposed to the alternative, child care? Or do you really see no value in what a stay at home mom does for her family, period?
He may just be shooting off his mouth, so I think the important thing for you to do here, is nail him down on his values.
If you two do not share the same values, then this is important information for you not to ignore. If money and the handling of money is at great odds, you two will have GREAT difficulty making any kind of marriage work.
These are part of the important questions that you need answered before you decide on him as a life partner.
For more information on this try the Dr. Phil website, he has a series of questions that you should be asking in regards to choosing a life partner.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionsatindesire- Yeah I think thats what my bf sees my mum as, lazy, selfish etc...Which is soooo untrue. She is probably the hardest worker I know. And its completely un selfish of her to do what she does. I mean she could of chose to have a career, in which she would gain lots of money, but no she decides to work for FREE, in the home.
Ask oldersister- This is what has me confused, whether like you said is it just immaturity? But then again, he is 25, you would expect more right? Part of me hopes its just he is ignorant, doesnt really understand what its like etc. I know his parents both worked and hes not very close to them, I get the feeling they werent home much etc. So I guess part of his beliefs come from that, he probably desont see the benefits n having a parent home often.
Tisha-1 - We have been dating for just over a month. I know its only a new relatonship, but he seems pretty serious. He has all these plans for us in the future, such as holidays etc. His family go on an annual holiday each July, so he invited me to go with them next month. Then we have been talking about going away later this year too. He always asks for my opinions on things he does, and he doesnt seem to want to do anything that I wouldnt like. From things such as getting his haircut, to bigger things like whether or not he should change jobs.
We havent talked about 'us' having children or 'us' geting married, but we both do want children and both believe in marriage. Havent gone too in depth about it though. Dont know if I would feel comfortable doing that, I mean I dont want to scare him off.
Just another thought I had, that relates back to money and me 'pulling me weight in the relationship'.
I am currently completeling a degree at uni, I will be graduating soon. After I graduate, ive been considering going back and doing more study. Therefore, I would be working on a part time basis still for a while longer if I did do this. When i told him, he didnt seem too supportive. He was sort of like 'whats the point', beause I will already have a degree. And he said 'dont you want to work full time and earn a full income?'. Although he wasnt too negative about me wanting to continue my studies, he did tend to lean towards me going into full time work and at the time I couldnt figure out why, but now im thinking maybe it has to do with money?
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reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (20 June 2009):
 Thanks for connecting the dots here. You've got two sides of the same coin with this pair of questions. This one and question two here: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-can-i-get-her-to-like-him.html
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 June 2009):
How long have you two been dating? Have you discussed what would happen "if"? If you got married. If you had children. Or you can discuss general thoughts about life. Housewives are active productive members of society; they just don't get the financial compensation that others do. Who's better than whom? And why?
Do you feel you can talk with him?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionsatindesire - Yeah I do work part time so I do make my own money. Whenever I try to pay for things, he wont let me.
So do you think that if we were to get married and if I was to become a 'housewife' then his attitude would change? Because in his eyes, suddenly I wouldnt 'deserve' his money because I woudlnt be working? Is that how his mind works do you think?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your helpful advice. With regards to his attitudes towards money, hes pretty giving with me. He ALWAYS insists on paying for everything, like when we go out to dinner, movies, anywhere. And he even offered to buy me a new violin because my one I have now is broken. And they are pretty expensive. So he is fairly generous I think with his money right now. Do you think maybe this could change once we are further into the relationship?
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 June 2009):
I think a huge part of a successful relationship is a mutual respect for each other. Mutual admiration is nice too, but respect is essential. That means respecting the person, respecting their family and the choices they have made.
This judgemental attitude your boyfriend seems to have is probably not uncommon in young men (and women) who think they have the world figured out. I have no evidence for this, but I would imagine that someone like that will have a particularly scary midlife crisis, when they realize they don't actually know as much as they think they do.
What I don't like with the way you relate this problem is that you don't seem to be able to hold your own with him. By that I mean getting him to hold his tongue and his opinion about his opinion of "non-working" housewives. If you can't get him to stop with the comments and the attitude in this, you're going to have trouble with other times when he's decided he's infallible.
"Honey, I need you to understand something that's bothering me. Your attitude about housewives and 'not working' people is hurtful with respect to my mother. You have no idea what she has sacrificed and what she has done in order for us to have a good life and a great start in it. I understand that you are entitled to your opinion, but I want to be clear that I find it somewhat disrespectful and I frankly don't want to hear about it anymore. Thank you for respecting my wishes and please remember that I owe my mother everything. If you diss her, you diss me."
This man doesn't respect the work that your mother chose and I think that's just ignorant. (Sirena said ignoramus, which I like!) Ask oldersister and Satindesire are dead on right about the expectations this man will have about the financial aspects of your relationship.
Just because you've been with someone a long time doesn't mean that they are right for you.
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reader, SirenaBlusera  +, writes (20 June 2009):
 Who is he to look down on housewives?
Your boyfriend sounds like an ignoramus. Just because a woman doesn't work outside the home doesn't mean that she doesn't work hard.
It wouldn't suit me, but the decision to give up a career and dedicate oneself to family is a personal one.
Tell him that Australia is a free country too, not a communist country, and that he is free to choose any career he wants outside the home... and so is everyone else.
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reader, baddogbj  +, writes (20 June 2009):
 You're best off without a man who feels that he can look down on any entire category of people. It shows bad judgement and lack of maturity.
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