A
male
age
30-35,
*ise-guy
writes:Hi all, Never used one of these sites before but I am currently feeling rather lonely and upset about my current situation. I think I better try to explain the situation: Well, I have known this girl for a while, probably 2 years. Im 23 and she's 22. We used to talk all the time, over text and over the phone. Sometimes into the early hours of the morning. We would text each other in the mornings too. We started off as friends, but I gradually found myself thinking more and more about this girl. She became the first thing I thought of as I woke up and the last thing I'd think off before I fell to sleep. Eventually these feelings came to a head and we both admitted we felt the same. It was wonderful! This girl is at university at present (I have already long since graduated) I should just explain that this girl has recovered from anorexia in her teens and couldnt go to university so had to put it off till now (this forms part of the problem as I will later explain) - She has done so well and I am so very proud of her. She opened up to me about her past and expected me to be put off. But it made me love her even more. I accepted her for the gorgeous girl she is. We decided to meet up and see how things would go, I spent some weekends with her and they were the best weekends of my life. We were so loving and it felt so right. Of course, the kisses and cuddles did lead to sex but we were sensible and it didn't feel wrong or sleazy. We talked and cuddled after until we fell asleep.I got home feeling like the King of the world. I was in love and she loved me BUT things got complicated ... Suddenly she told me that she couldn't have a relationship or commit to me. I was crushed. Of course I asked her why. She openly admits that she loves me, there is no doubt about that and she said she just feels like crying. I pressed her to be honest. She told me that when she started university she had sexual encounters with guys whilst living the student life. I was shocked but not angry, I just wanted her to explain. She said because of her past she has missed out on being young and I think she is playing catch up with the rest of the girls her age. The problem is she doesn't sound as if she is happy about it?? She said she wishes she could be with me but right now it doesn't feel right after the way she is currently acting. She says I am a lovely, kind and caring guy and she doesn't want to hurt me, she thinks she will mess up or something since she slept with these random guys. She just seems confused and unsure. I text her saying Ive been a fool for wasting both our time, she sent me a text saying 'I do love you and you know that. It's me that's the fool, not you' Do I wait for her to get out of this teenage phase if she does love me? I am so worried about this path she is going down. I want her to be happy but this isnt making her happy :( Or do I force myself to move on? - My heart breaks thinking of being without her, especially since I know she loves me - I wish she would just wake up and stop being a fool getting into these situations. It just seems like I came along at the wrong time - with her going through this phase and being busy with uni etc - Do I keep the friendship open in hopes that she'll wake up?? Please please please help this poor love sick chap :/ I feel so trapped and lost. I love her and it's maddening that I know she loves me!! She just doesn't want to hurt me :(
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anorexic, crush, her past, move on, text, trapped, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (30 April 2014):
 I've been in the same situation. Anorexia isn't just about the lack of eating, its a form of self harm and lack of self worth. Sadly even long after gaining weight and eating normally anorexia sufferers can be very self destructive to themselves and those close to them. It's an awful illness.Sadly sufferers (or people who have suffered) Anorexia do tend to put themselves into situations to avoid being happy. You say you want her to "wake up" and stop being a fool, which is exactly how I felt in my relationship, but she cannot do that. Its a deep rooted issue that only she can solve and she would need to really WANT to solve it. You will only get hurt im afraid. You must force yourself to move on. Otherwise you will be trapped in a cycle of hurt and let downs and pain.You say she loves you but it sounds as if she has never loved herself. Until she learns to do that, she can never really love someone else. Putting all of that aside, you are both at different stages of life right now. Your a grown man, at work, who has moved on from flings, Uni life and so forth. She spent her teenage years with an eating disorder and now, rightly or wrongly, wants to enjoy her student life. Asking her to give up that for you would be wrong. She has yet to mature. Yet to grow out of insecurities and new experiences. You cant expect her to give that up. Neither can you wait in turmoil for her to "grow up". She is not able to handle commitment or love right now. She has been through a lot and if you want her to be happy I'm sorry but the only option is to move on and let her find her own wings.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (29 April 2014):
 She's confused, she doesn't know what she wants and she's just wasting the bast days of her life. That's sad but there's nothing really that you can do about it OP. She's doing something that she doesn't want to do, just to keep up with the Joneses but at the end of the day she's doing it and that's all that matters.
Wean yourself out of it OP, this is only going to hurt you more and more as you get deeper into it. This girl doesn't have the same emotional maturity as you and much as you love her now, if you get into a relationship with her you will soon feel like its a burden for you. The initial phase of love is always the best but once that wears off, you'll find yourself being left with someone who's just not on the same wavelength as you. She's right OP, she's the fool not you. She's throwing away a potentially wonderful relationship for meaningless, empty sex but that's by her own choice.
You can do better OP. Please move on
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2014): Give up. Honestly it isn't worth your time and the inevitable heart break. She could make you feel happier than you ever have before but if she feels like she has missed out then she will end up feeling like she needs to experience more. That could be now, a month, 6 months etc.
Given her feelings and her remorse and feeling unworthy I would say that since you have been with her she has been with someone else.
This is a guess but I wouldnt be surprised. She will no doubt act like this until she builds self esteem. You cannot help with this. Things like this are an internal battle, not easily influenced. They can take years to fix. During this time she is better off being alone.
As a male I have got caught up with the white knight complex, imagining that I can fix someone. I have never been successful. It is does not make you noble to fall on your sword and hurt in a pseudo relationship for the next year. It makes you addicted. Please just let her go. I promise you this could sound like a duplicate of a situation I was in. I chose to help and fight for our relationship.
I realised about 2 years later than i didn't stay with her for her but for me. I was addicted to being in love with her. It caused monumental pain over 5 years.
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