A
female
age
41-50,
*ardia
writes:So I'm wondering if this is the problem: My ex was a true dominant male. I loved the feeling of the power he had over me, physically and mentally. He was simply amazing in bed. But in the end he just didn't want me like I wanted him.The new guy wants me like no one ever has! I'm overwhelmed with the interest he's taken in me and the sweet things he does and says. But he's soft (he's even said he's an extreme pacifist and I can sense that in his kindness and sweetness).I guess I'm afraid that my need for someone more dominant is getting in the way of letting this new relationship progress (yeah, I like it rough and I don't think he has it in him to give me that). I need a guy with just a little grit, but who wants me and cares for me like this one does. Do I wait for someone who fulfills all those needs? I just don't want to "settle"...
View related questions:
my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2012): girl.. whatever others tell you.. I believe in the "if YOU dont FEEL like its RIGHT then don't do it" principal.. its simple.. if it feels right jump in..take your time to do this... if he hasn't approached you.. why r you hurrying.. See your problem is that you are still caught up with your previous guy.. you cannot see the unique individual your current interest is.. and you may very well be missing out on signs and signals.. which we all do when we are just out of a relationship.. it could be that you are wrong about this guy... it could be that this guy is not that good/compatible for you as well.. So do not jump into a relationship right away.. take your time.. Take this time to heal yourself.. get some closure .. try to observe this new guy.. try to learn about yourself.. do all this and then jump into a relationship..I have broken up many times and I know it is easier said than done.. but i am happy not to get into a relationship straight away.. I feel very self reliant, focused , stable and quite aware of the kind of guy I would like to be with..- umm.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2012): So let me get this right, your ex was a disaster and this guy is a dream come true and you're confused because he's soft?
Wow! Maybe you don't deserve this guy because from you post it seems as if you haven't even expressed this to him. Not every single man on the face of the earth is rough, some are soft that's just how it is, just like every woman isn't a damsel in distress.
If you have a problem, tell him, people like him are hard to find in thus day and age, how do you know he won't be will to make a few adjustment? The last time I check everybody likes being a little bad sometimes. Give him a chance, a proper chance, or you might regret it.
Best of luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, bardia +, writes (25 February 2012):
bardia is verified as being by the original poster of the question That's the biggest problem. I'm more damaged than I ever realized. I'm in therapy & trying to regain that perspective. I don't know how it ever got so warped. And I know full well what an evil narcisscist the ex was. There's NO going back to that sadistic user. This is why I asked in the first place. Why wouldn't anyone in their right mind not jump at the chance to be with someone SO caring? I'm NOT in my right mind. I need outside help to realign my sites. This new guy (we're not officially seeing each other yet) is just SO much the opposite, I'm not used to being treated this well & it's got me spooked.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2012): How do you know he is NOT the guy for you in that department? Have you ASKED? Have you brought up with him that you would like a bit more adventure in the bedroom?
Address if your needs are reasonable. Is this a dealbreaker? Are you comparing the new guy to the old guy and hoping that some more grit will bring those feelings to the surface again?
Consider that maybe the new guy is'nt missing anything-maybe you are missing some perspective?
Is it really settling to be with someone who wants you and truly cares for you? Maybe you just do not feel the same way about him and are looking for a reason to end it?
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (25 February 2012):
 Before you think that "waiting for someone" is your first option, don't dismiss the possibility that there might be a side of your new guy you could bring out, meaning if you want rough sex, ask him for it!!
Because the whole "dominant male" thing is all good and well, but this guy shows more strength than your former macho boyfriend, and his strength of love for you is deeper and more mature than the first guy who wasn't good for you!
So before you look elsewhere, share what you like with your boyfriend. Just because he's a pacifist doesn't mean that he isn't up for some adventure. He may find that it stirs some things in him he likes! You know what they say...a lamb in public, but a lion in the bedroom!
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (25 February 2012):
 I am in a similar situation here. A lot of people look at the master slave relationship as resolving complex psychological needs from childhood and some people just didn't grow up needing that. I don't know what roughness do to my soul, does it help with my spiritual growth? I did not realize that I liked roughess until the age of 27. Before I was fine with vanilla sex. When someone stimulated that interest in me I thought this was what sex should be like. Now I think that there should be a variety. This is not so hard to understand for most open minded people. Not everyone likes chains, ropes, and whips. But anyone could do doggystyle, spanking, and doing it fast.
Your date could be shy right now and holding himself in, and you could still have some feelings for your ex. They will go away. I don't feel like I am settling for kindess because kindness and gentleness can be rare nowadays. I find it refreshing and I will learn to appreciate these qualities.
There are a minority of people who could only get turned on when there's blood and bruises. This is what psychology calls paraphilia. I think that is quite extreme and my guess is that a little dominance would do for you. Your date might think this is silly or sinful but oneday he might enjoy it, when he understands that there is one side of submissive and one side of dominant in us. You have to find out how to bring out that hidden side to him, and he might even thank you for that.
...............................
|
