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female
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anonymous
writes: I am 30 year old female and haven't dated anyone for 5 years. My previous ex I lived with but I broke off because he wanted to settle down and get married. I have been dating someone for 3 months now and he really is special, however I am finding my insecurities troublesome. My boyfriend is 30 also and has 2x groups of friends, the ones the same age as him that have known him since school, most are not single, and his work friends and friends of who are 21 and 22 guys with friends and girlfriends that are 17. I have tried going out and socialising with this younger group but as nice as some of them are, I have nothing in common with them and find their love of clubbing and lifestyle great for someone of their age, but I can't help feeling I have been there and done that. I want to settle more, but my boyfriend has this side to him that enjoys a once weekly night out with the younger group, many of whom are flirty girls. Although I do trust him, I don't want him setting his norms by these people as their norms are very youthful. I don't want to stop him seeing this group of friends, but I am finding that my failure to go out with this group of friends, whom he has great fun with, beginning to pigeon hole me as a dull older person, who prefers going to the cinema and out for meals. Is this just instant karma paying me back for leaving someone 5 years ago who was in the same position I was now, ie wanting a serious stable relationship? My new boyfriend is lovely and does do all the older group of friends stuff too but I'd just love him to cast off this group of younger friends as I think it is kinda strange that someone of his age and intellect needs to be hanging around going clubbing with the kids. I am hugely aware that I am the first girlfriend he has had for 1 year and who hasn't been 6 years younger than him. Do I just wait for him to realise he can't keep up with the kids anymore and grow up?
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female
reader, Hopeful +, writes (13 June 2006):
 Is it that the friends are young or is that they like to do activities which you feel like you have outgrown?
I know people in the age group you are describing (early 20's) and they enjoy going out for meals and movies and not necessarilly clubbing and then I know people who are in their late 20's and they much prefer clubbing.
So perhaps you need to work out which it is - because that may help you decide the best solution.
If it is the activity, then perhaps you need to start suggesting some alternative activities for these people, invite them around for a meal at your place or suggest maybe going for a pub meal and then staying on for a couple of drinks in a more relaxing pub type setting then a nightclub. You said yourself that they are nice people and perhaps you haven't yet found anything in common with them and it is hard in a nightclub, perhaps a relaxed setting will give you more of an opportunity to get to know them like you have gotten to know his other friendship circle.
If it is the people, then you need to reach some sort of compromise with your partner. He obviously enjoys hanging around with these people - firstly, if he works with some of the guys he probably has a lot in common with them and can talk to them about stuff that he wouldn't with his school mates and I guess he can't help if these guys have girlfriends who are in their late teens. He can hardly tell them not to bring their girlfriends if they go out, can he? Maybe its something that you need to reach a compromise with him over, only go out with them every now and again or when you go out with them, why not suggest a few of your own mates come along to keep you company a bit more.
If I were in your situation I would completely agree - why does he want to hang around with much younger people when he has lots of other friends but I suppose realistically you can't tell him not to see these people and its quite possible that he does find them immature as well but perhaps it gives him a bit of a release, makes him feel a bit younger or alternatively he is just trying to keep in with the crowd at his job - a job which no doubt he will move on from at some stage and perhaps not really associate with these people any more?
I think in the meantime you need to decide if this is a deal breaker with him. Can you see if there is room for "settling" down and clubbing. To be fair, it has only been 3 months so he might not be even thinking about settling down in the relationship yet, he may still think of it as a not so serious relationship at the moment.
Maybe you need to have a chat with him about where the relationship is going and where you two see it heading. Perhaps in this conversation there will be room to discuss the difference of enjoyment in the company of these people and at these activities.
Good luck
A
female
reader, sibaan +, writes (13 June 2006):
 that can only be your choice. maybe you should have stayed in your stable relationship and asked him to give you more time because now you are the one who wants to settle and he is to young to settle.
you need to decide what to do. his friends are obviously important to him...
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