A
male
age
51-59,
*reddy00
writes:i have been dating a russian girl (27YO) for 8 months.she is studying here and is looking for permanent residency. i consider myself and have been stereotyped in the bad boy category. during the time we have spent together she has tamed me somewhat that when im around her i am attentitive and see her as i have fallen for her....she has told me that i have done romantic things for her in 8 months than she has had in all her dating life...i love to cook for her regularly and dont mind paying for things all the time.i buy her things such as clothes ,jewellery,flowers whatever i think will look good on her. i give her a lot of emotion and receive very very little back...i have told her i love her (big no no) but thats just my heart talking. she yesterday said to me that because of studies that she now has (she has just started uni) and the limited time being only on weekends (fri-sun) to spend with each other she said she was thinking of breaking up with me....at the same time a few days earlier she told that when she told her family that i will be going with her to russia to meet them they asked if it was serious she said she thinks so. im getting real confused..my question is do i unleash that animal inside me that was there before we met and do i be myself....and do i make the most of the time we spend together...or do i find someone who will appreciate me more ? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (22 March 2012):
 It seems your lady friend is fond of you but not quite ready to settle down. She did tell her family about you and had plans for you to meet them (assuming this is true).
There is nothing wrong with a man being the first to declare love if the relationship is stable, there is reason to believe his feelings are reciprocated and he feels ready to say it. In fact I usually recommend men be the first to announce that. So don't beat yourself up about that. You may have just said it too soon is all.
This relationship isn't stable so I suggest you be yourself, cut back on the gifts and favours and enjoy what time you have with her. Treat her fairly, respect your own limits and no one should have any reason to complain if and when it comes to an end.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (22 March 2012):
 Sorry to tell you this, but the Animal inside of you was probably not as rough as the animals she met in Russia. You cooked for her and did nice stuff for her and got her flowers and that. Animals just bring the catch of the day, leaving blood all over the floor she just moped, and expect Jane to cook for them, while they talk to Cheetah and Numa the Lion.
Matriushka seems to be playing games. If she were totally onto you, then she wouldn't be talking about breaking up.
If she says she will break up, you do the break up and find someone else.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2012): you're right to be confused about her, so am I!
why is she wanting to give up so easily? sure it's not much time to be together if it's only weekends but her university studies won't last forever, and students get summers off and other week-long breaks in the spring and fall. it's really not that bad.
I think something else is going on that she's not telling you about. maybe her past relationship issues are creeping up and he has a fear of getting close or maybe she's having second thoughts about you.
as to what she told her parents - who cares? maybe she told them whatever she thought they wanted to hear - maybe her parents are old fashioned and worry about her not having a man to take care of her, or maybe since she's looking for permanent residency that means she's looking for a man to marry in this country so that's why she told her parents she's in a serious relationship to make them think she's making "progress" in her life that way.
you should talk with her more before you decide to go changing your behavior and lifestyle.
that said, are you really OK with being "tamed down" ? People do change but it should be because it's your own natural progression and of your own accord, not an artificial change imposed by someone else as terms and conditions for being with them, or because you're trying to get someone to be with you and they dont' accept the "real" you so that's why you're changing. if a relationship is to mature and maybe become a marriage, the change in your personality and lifestyle will not be sustainable unless it came from within yourself of your own accord rather than due to external pressure. In other words, changing yourself is fine and great if you're being true to yourself. If you're only changing artificially for someone else it's not going to make you happy in the long run you would be better off finding someone who doesn't require you to be someone you're not.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (22 March 2012):
 This is a very difficult question! On the one hand you love her and obviously care enough for her to have tamed yourself for her. I prefer to say that you tamed yourself, because if you hadn't been willing to she couldn't have had any effect on you whatsoever. She might have encouraged it, but you're the only one capable of making changes to yourself.
Now, I think I know where you are coming from. You made all these changes, and they would have been a good compromise.. that is if she had met you half ways. Your compromise in this is something like "I will calm down and be romantic, if you and I can have a solid relationship". She on the other hand is more like this "I want you calmed down and fitting my schedule, I might not give you anything back for it, and I'm not even sure if we should stay together".
If she had taken you seriously and been willing to compromise and sacrifice as well.. then it'd be no problem for you. I mean we all need to adjust when we enter a relationship, we are no longer single, and out of respect to our partner we make some changes. If our partner is hurt by certain things we stop these things etc. And that's good, as long as it is a two way street and we get something in return for it, such as a loving relationship that makes us happy.
But right now, in return, you're getting ambivalence. This isn't what you bargained for!
The tricky question is, will it ever change? Will she become more dedicated to your relationship in time? Will she give you what you need to be happy, and satisfy your needs? I'm not talking about sexual needs here (sex is just one of many needs). Many have a need for TIME with their partner. And many... well, most of us I think, feel that meeting once a week, or only on weekends, is too little. It can work for a period of time, when you have talked about it, and if you know it wont be forever. But other than that very few can feel fulfilled with just once a week. Love is, after all, something you need to nurture. Once a week isn't giving much nurture to love. On the contrary, if you start to feel resentful towards her it'll just eat away at the love you have. And then the love will die.
So I guess it is up to you to decide. You know what you want in a relationship, and you know this isn't it. But you don't know if it'll change or not. I've been asked this question myself many times when I am faced with a similar situation: how long can you afford to wait to find out if it is worth it?
At some point, if she doesn't start meeting you half way, you'll not be able to keep your part of the compromise. You'll just feel terrible about yourself for giving her so much when she gives so little in return. You'll want to be your old self again.
...............................
|
