A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend took an ex home with him from the pub last Saturdayshe claimed she was being hassled by some other blokehe should have put her in a taxi homenothing happened, but she did get into our bed, he slept in the spare room when he discovered thatI feel he was disloyal bringing her home in the first place and giving her an opportunity to take libertys getting into our bed, he says I should trust him more, he understands why I am upset but really feels it could have been anyone male or female etc etc etcI totally believe nothing happened am I being over the top to be upset that he took her home at all? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks Laura
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2008): I think you are placing too much blame on her and not enough blame on him. You say that she "imposed in our bedroom, I have no interest in discussing her motivation for doing what she did." She only "imposed" because HE LET her. And you mention her "motivation," what about his motivation in all this?? I mean you are making it sound like he was completely defenseless in all this. Why did he let it get to that point? He is not a little kid. He knew exactly what he was doing and he played an equal part in all this. He probably wanted it just as much as she did. Cause if he didn't, he would have NEVER let her come home with him. Look, I had a bf who had this girl who was desperately trying to get with him when we started dating. She also tried to impose and had motivations of her own as well. And she too was VERY pushy. And he treated her like any guy inlove would treat a girl trying to impose. He avoided her, was short with her when she called, avoided eye contact, avoided conversation when they ran into eachother, just simply avoided her completely out of respect for me and the trust that I put in him. That is what your bf should have done. And the fact that he didn't is not a reflection on her but on HIM.I don't think you should call her. Your issue is with him. HE is the one that you trusted, not her. He is the one who screwed up, not her. He could have put her in a cab or told her to f*ck off. But he didn't. Did she have a gun to his head?? I doubt it. So obviously he wanted this too, and he is the one who crossed the line, NOT her. You should save that conversation that you plan to have with her for HIM. He's the one that needs to hear it.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (24 January 2008):
 Yeah! I agree with your planned actions. He has to pay the price for this infamy .This will teach him a good lesson.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwe don't live together at least not in the official sense, I have my own place, he was in his own houseI was actually out of town at my sisters birthday party celebrated for 20th Januaryinsult to injury - it was my birthday that night the 19th :-)He definitely does not have feelings for this girl its just the point that one person made about him jeopradising my trust that gets me the mostYet we have a brilliant if complicated relationship. He was married for 20 years separated for 4 we are together 18mths, He is a very attractive man, women tend to fawn over him, most of the time it does not bother me, I am secure in the relationship but its just the liberty she took that he allowed her to havehe knows fidelity is my highest standard, and he respects that, that he is not the kind of man to cheat, as he always says if he wants to be with someone else he does not want to be with me.Basically I need atonement on this one - my plan is to call the lady taking libertys from my boyfriends phone in his presence and in an adult fashion tell her she is not to ever impose in our bedroom again, I have no interest in discussing her motivation for doing what she did its irrelevant. In having this conversatio he will no doubt be squirming then i am going to insist he takes me shopping which is not in my nature at all but being blunt i need my pound of flesh and then hopefully i can move on I see no point in losing a good relationship with him on the back of some silly brainless slapper (sorry angry!)right now what do you think?thanks everyone for your thoughts on the matter, it helps!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2008): Sorry but if I was you, that would be enough for me to end it. x
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2008): I will tell you what would bother me most; that he would take such a risk when it would obviously seriously challenge your trust, as it has. If his main driving force was your relationship he would not have even dreamt of doing this. Does he feel it is his place to rescue old girlfriends from other men? Did the girl not have a brain of her own?
He was willing to put helping her above anything else at that time. It is asking you too much to expect you to believe him when he can obviously cast your likely feelings aside so easily. How did he think you would feel? Did he think about your feelings at all? I don’t think so.
Imagine yourself doing the same thing with an ex. Would he stand for that? I don’t think so, so how come you persuade yourself that it is OK. Would your Dad have ever dreamed of doing something like this to your Mum? Your age shows you are 30 – 35 years old. You are not teenagers, you could be parents by now. I hope you see what I mean, this was very childish behaviour on his part and I can not understand how he could even think it was a suitable behaviour.
She peed on your lamppost. Everyone has the right to hold some places, environments and possessions sacred. This was your bed she borrowed without your permission. How over the boundary could things get?! I too would be furious.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2008): I don't get it, where were you when all this happened?? I mean why didn't you kick her out of your bed?? I assume you weren't home.
Well I think it is absolutely inappropriate for your bf to bring home an ex lover no matter what the circumstances were. That's a no brainer. It just makes no sense and like you say, he should have called her a cab. I am sure he would be "thrilled" and "full of trust" if the shoe was on the other foot. You just don't do that when you are in a relationship.
To be honest, I think there is more to the story. I would be careful with this guy if I were you. I am positive he knows better so I wouldn't fall for his little "why don't you trust me?" spiel. He knows very well why you don't trust him and he knows very well that you shouldn't trust him cause something about this story doesn't sound right. Be careful with this guy. I personally would end things with him cause what he did is REALLY sketchy. But if you are not going to end things right away, I foresee that you will have alot more of this sketchy behavior in store for you in the future. Sorry to be so blunt but that is exactly what it seems is likely to happen.
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female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (23 January 2008):
He does not understand how a female mind works. He still have a soft spot for the ex.
He has to be told that it was wrong to do that.Since nothing happened, just let it go.
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female
reader, lynnb84  +, writes (23 January 2008):
he obviously still has feelings for his ex, and she can obviously wrap him round her little finger. Does she still have feelings for him? Could she be trying to get him back? I would never go back to my exs house if i knew he had a girlfreind and i would certainly never sleep in his and his girlfreinds bed. He is bang out of order to let it happen. If you trust him that nothing hapened then just explain to him that if he wants to keep you he cant go inviting any other women back to your house, Especially his Exs!
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female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (23 January 2008):
 Hi,
You do trust him, you already said that you dont think anything happened, what does he want from you blood.
I would be really fuming if my partner did that to me. So I dont think you, have acted unreasonable.
If you had been there and were mates with this girl, it would be different. He needs to opologise not you.
XX
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