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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Please help me.I cannot live this way anymore.I am on the verge of throwing away an almost 3 year relationship with a man I love and adore because of a "gut feeling" he is cheating.How do I deal with this? I am right at the edge.I have NO proof. Just a gut feeling.He denies it and tries to comfort me by explaining why he would never do this to me.This issue comes up every time we are together and it has already caused a rift between us... But despite it, we want to be together. I am 47 and he is 63. Please help! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (10 February 2016):
 You feel like this because you know he is capable of doing it. He cheated on his wife to be with you, now you think he will do the same. It is a horrible way to live, but it happens so many times in cases like this, you feel he won't change he will always be looking for someone else, something better.
Have you both discussed making the relationship more serious? Moving in together? Or does it just seem to be part time. You need to ask yourself what it is you want from this relationship, and are you getting it? Does he show you he loves you? Also maybe it would help to get some couples therapy to talk your issues and insecurities with a professional.
A
male
reader, Garbo  +, writes (10 February 2016):
 Before you actually give up on your guy over irrational suspicion, I'd suggest that you go and see a therapist and explain the feelings that you have. Not being able to "take it" even though you don't have proof may suggest some sort of anxiety issue, panic attacs and/or compulsion to act on something irrational, or even self harm. A therapist will have more time, knowledge and time to interact with you in order to ascertain the source of your irrational anxiety over your BF and perhaps suggest a course of action that can truly help you, and your relationship. I am suggesting this because acting on lack of evidence is associated with some sort of a compulsion, overt or suppressed, that could be triggered either by a particular circumstance or a person.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (10 February 2016):
 I think the most important question you need to ask yourself, is why do you feel this way?
In short, you've given us no clues as to why you feel this way other than a hunch.
Just from the description you've given us, he is with a much younger woman and therefore I would think he is less likely to cheat.
Here are some questions that I might ask of you:
1) Is there anything in his behavior that is making you think he is cheating? Has he cheated in the past?
2) How is your sex life?
3) Are you having fears because you've been cheated on in the past?
4) Is this the best relationship you've had and you are trying to self-sabotage it?
5) Are you considering marriage and looking for an "out" or a reason to back out or say no?
No one can answer your question for you but there obviously is some sort of fear or intuition that is telling you to bail out. It may be useful to find a close friend who knows your situation that can listen and perhaps lend a little advice. You may also want to consider seeing a therapist, even for a short while to sort out your fears.
After all, your fears may be baseless, or something deeper.
Eddie
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2016): You cannot condemn or incriminate people on a "gut-feeling."
On what evidence or signs do you base your feelings? What have you found or discovered that leads you to believe he is cheating?
I'm sorry, if this should insult you; but he's 63 years old!!! At that age, there aren't a lot of women chasing after a guy approaching his 70's, unless he has plenty of money!
I think you should provide some material evidence to support and substantiate your feelings, or stop being paranoid.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (9 February 2016):
 It's horrible to live in anxiety. I've done it, when I was in an on and off relationship with no sense of security. I give a lot of advice to people, but never to myself when I needed it. I've had sleepless nights, nightmares, panic attacks 5 years ago. I didn't even think of how to deal, it was just constant torture. The only thing that brought me peace is that I went through it and survived. It was like the calm after the storm. After that experience, I am so calm that there will not be anything that would shake me like that again. I finally felt the word, "imperturbable" and understand what it means. It means that if a relationship doesn't work out, my self esteem remains intact. If my boyfriend chooses another woman over me, God has given a new path for him, and there will be another one for me too. That's the state you try to get into.
Whenever we have negative emotions, our first instinct is the blame the other, second is to avoid it. I would say stay with it, it doesn't have to be bad, and see where that leads you. It would sound counterintuitive and a self destructive thing to do. Think of it like meditation and just be aware of your thoughts and bodily sensations.
If you feel your boyfriend is fundamentally good man, stay with him. Know that you yourself is enough. You don't need a man to validate your worth and you have ample love to give to yourself, and everyone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2016): Hi Tisha. It's the OP of the question.
We are living together now.
Yes he was married and left his wife to be with me.
I am not here to be judged. I just need help.
Sometimes people fall in love while married and although he and I both could have handled it differently, here we are 3 years later.
I suppose you can say this is my karma as the other woman and I deserve it but we do love each other.
My insecurities and worries have been part and parcel of this relationship all along.
They are so hard to bear and leaving him would cause me heartache but ultimately peace. However, I don't want to leave him because I love him and he makes me happy if I could put my fears to rest once and for all. But I just don't know how to do that. Even despite his constant reassurances that he is not being unfaithful to me nor has the intention to ever be unfaithful to me.
Everything he does, it always goes back to is he cheating?
It is emotionally distressing to have these worries eating away at you constantly, never knowing how to let them go.
He has never done anything concrete or obvious.
I just read in between the lines a lot. Like if we had sex three times last week and he had 3 days of rest before we had sex again and he is tired and not as raring to go, I assume he had sex with someone else in those 3 days. I automatically jump to this conclusion without seeing it could be normal fluctuations in mood or due to age. In the beginning it was sex, sex, sex and he has slowed down a bit recently so I assume he is using his energy somewhere else. That is always my first thought. Or if he isn't calling or texting as much, he is losing interest or cheating or calling/texting another woman.
I always go to the bad. And refuse to see any other possible reasons or explanations.
I think in some way I am trying to protect myself and build a shield around myself for when he does hurt me. Or cheat. It is a constant battle between letting him in and pushing him away. That is so hard on me emotionally. I just never feel safe. I guess because I know he was capable of cheating on his wife with me and given the right circumstances or the right person coming along, I worry he will be weak again. Like he was with me. He claimed his affair with me was his first and that his marriage unravelled years ago and became more like a business partnership and nothing else.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 February 2016):
 Has he cheated in his past? He's 63, has he ever been married? Is he by any chance still married? And if he is married, does he live with his wife? Does she know about you, if there is a wife? If not, after 3 years, why not? That would suggest he is excellent at lying and deception. For all you know, she may have a gut feeling too.
Has he cheated in the past? If so, on whom? How many times? How do you know?
Does he travel for a living, or go away often for extended periods of time? Does he have many female friends?
You have a gut feeling, have you examined that in any more detail?
And if you are 47 and he is 63 and have been together for 3 years, has the topic of moving in together come up? If not, why not? Does existing marriage cause a road block.
You don't trust him on some fundamental level. So fundamental that you are making yourself ill.
So please flesh out your situation with some details.
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