A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I met a lovely guy a few weeks ago who was married for 18 years. He said they broke up many times but waited until their daughter grew up before they divorced. He said that he cheated on his ex with one married lady from an adult dating site and also met an ex fling for coffee and it was emotional and was not proud of his behaviour. He said he didnt want casual sex but a proper relationship with me. We have not slept together. I respect him coming clean he didnt have to but am duly concerned that I may be getting involved with a guy who will cheat on me. I really like him and he seems open and kind and attentive. I hate cheating. I have never cheated in my life. I feel at a crossroads now. Do I stay or do I go?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (10 February 2016):
 He didn't need to tell you but he did. That shows guts. Did you ask him why he felt the need to cheat? A confession does not make it right no, but he did not do anything to you personally. Everyone makes mistakes in there life, everyone is capable if cheating for many different reasons. You should not be quick to judge him. He and his wife sounded like they where unhappy but they tried to put there child first. This is your decision to make, but if you don't think you can let this go then it is best you break away from him now.
A
male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (10 February 2016):
 Men cheat for a variety of reasons. Sometimes it is out of sheer desperation -- or loneliness. Other times it is for conquest and the thrill of the hunt (or mere sex for sex's sake).
From his description, it sounds like he sought out comfort more out of loneliness. If he stuck it out in a loveless marriage for 18 years so that his child would have an intact family, it indicates to me that he does value family -- at least to a certain extent.
We are all human at our core and we all have needs. Sometimes we seek comfort in others when we probably shouldn't and I suspect that your boyfriend fits this case.
I would agree to take this slow and build some trust. I think his true character and his motives will become clear as time goes on. But if this is going to cause fear or trust issues with you that you won't be able to come to peace with, then you may have to part ways.
Ultimately, that is going to be up to you to decide.
Eddie
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2016): I suggest you go slow, reserve your feelings, and date without making a commitment for awhile. Coming clean doesn't necessarily mean he has changed his ways. He may be feeling out your reaction; and testing you to see if you might be the jealous type, just in-case he slips.
The thing with cheaters is, they know what they want for the time being. Something better always comes along to tempt them. They just don't have the will-power, and their history makes them a risky choice.
In my own experience, I've learned to hold back when I know a person has the propensity for cheating. He threw away an 18 year marriage, and I find that quite irresponsible. If you're uncomfortable about it, and you hardly even know him; I don't think you need to put yourself through this.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (9 February 2016):
 Well he probably didn't have to tell you any of this stuff. That displays a certain honesty. And it sounds as if he and his wife stayed in the marriage for the sake of the child.
If your intuition about him is good I would give it a try. The one proviso is that you need to know from him if he is going to play away. That is better than finding out some other way.
Some people will say once a cheater always a cheater but circumstances can make a marriage impossible. If he took some comfort away from home I'm not going to rush to judgement. His marriage sounds a washout.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2016): I am the one who posted. I just wanted to add that 24 hours after hearing this I am begining to feel quite sick that he set up a profile and went out looking for sex. Am I being too judgmental. My friends say that a confession does not make it right....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2016): Save yourself the drama and emotional torture.
I am exactly where you are. My BF cheated on his wife to be with me. And 3 years later I worry he is cheating or will cheat on me. Not a good place to be in. It is the most depressing, biggest, blackest hole you will ever be in and you feel utterly helpless and worthless.
Don't do this to yourself.
You are still in the early stages. Not emotionally invested. It is easier to walk away now.
He was honest but still... You now know his character and what he is capable of.
He is capable of cheating.
Do you want to always have that worry in the back of your mind in a relationship with him?
It really is a slow and agonizing form of suicide and self destruction.
The toll it takes on you is indescribable.
And chances are, given the right situation IF it comes up, he would do it again. God forbid you ever slip up in any way, shape or form...
Do you really want to be a sitting duck?
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