| A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: Hi, my husband and I have recently split over his porn use.I dont want to have a debate here as I have seen a lot on this site of really good discussion...I am dead against porn and wont be changing my mind but my question is..should I tell my children the reason for our breakup..they are teenagers and asking questions but I dont want to colour the idewas of their dad as they love him a lot. My daughter in particular hates porn as she had a boyfriend who constantly used it and had a very bad attitude towards womens looks. if she find out her dad uses it she may never speak to him again...she is already upset that he constantly commented on womens bodies in front of me (something that got worse the more porn he used)..should I make up an excuse or tell the truth that he was always using porn and began lusting after young women who resembled this porn look?
View related questions:
porn, split up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (27 December 2006):
 Why tell them? YOUR realtionship issues do not need to be discussed with your children PERIOD. Don't do anyhting to harm their relationship with their Dad. If you do you will harm your own relationship with your children......tehy will judge you as they get older and beacome more relationship savvy and aware.
please move on. Allow their relationship with their father to flourish and allow yourself to forgive him this transgression.
Have a happy future.
xx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2006): ABSOLUTELY NO WAY!!!
Not all knowledge is best shared, especially where children are concerned. Their world has already been ripped from under their feet and to add more to overwhelm them and further confuse them would be determental further so.
To "inform" them would only serve your purposes and not theirs.
Your ungoing role is to bring them comfort and security. Don't start crap about Dad...let it be and work on forgiving him. Your children and grandchidren will thank you for this.
I'm not saying right now...but do make it a priority.
I am going to recommend a book by ELIZABETH MARQUARDT titled "Between Two Worlds: THE INNER LIVES of CHILDREN
OF DIVORCE".
It is an amazing book.
This divorce and resentment and bitterness over Hubby's addiction is between you and him. Leave your children alone.
...............................
A
male
reader, bimale +, writes (27 December 2006):
some facts about porn,it is the most profitable industry on the web,hooking is the oldest proffesion known to mankind,porn is adictive , but it is male nature to look at porn , have you asked your husband to get help , better still , find some help for him , and not a preacher , or a prist , profesional help.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2006): OP here again, thanks Eddie, I think your right he is being insensitive..as far as creativity in the bedroom he says he's really happy as Im an adventurous type of person.Its only my body he's unhappy with ..its not 20anymore and he says he doesnt like my post baby body (even though my DR says Im slightly underweight) The only way he will ever be completely happy is if I looked like a porn star which without surgery would be impossible Im afraid
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (26 December 2006):
 Well, in that case, he's really sticking his foot/feet in his mouth. He doesn't sound very considerate. As I've said, most men just want to have an enthusiastic partner, afterall, that is probably the number one complaint....before we got married it was sex all the time, now I'm last on the list, the laundry even comes first.....
To be sure, men find women attractive, just as I'm sure you find men attractive. Some people have unrealistic expectations though. You sound secure enough to understand that. That is why I say, a reasonable person could view a porn movie and perhaps get some inspiration to spice up a mundane relationship. BUT a reasonable person wouldn't watch a porn movie and decide it would be a great idea for his wife to invite her co workers over for an orgy. It could be a fantasy or a momentary thought but........... better left unspoken.
This is why I say, all things in moderation. There is extreme porn, mild porn, drinkers, drunks etc. If he insists that you live up to these unrealistic expectations, he's sealing his own fate. On the other hand, had he been a decent, caring repsectful husband, it's in the realm of possibliity that you might have been willing to be creative in the bedroom. His approach seems to lack much thought.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2006): Hi Eddie, yes I was always enthusiatic (love sex) so I dont think its that...his expectations didnt change thats the problem...he still expects me to look 20 and pre baby body...and yes he has told me....so I dont think Im imagining it...he is ALWAYS going on about how beautiful this or that prn star is and how he'd like to screw her but never has a nice word to say about me...says Ive grown old and ugly compared to them.Theres no reasoning with him, its just how he sees it..and there seems to be more and more porn each week...yes I agree it seems like the double standard...expect the wife to be with you 20 years have kids and still look like a porn star
...............................
A
female
reader, candycanecindy +, writes (26 December 2006):
I think that the children don't need to know but if you dont tell them they might suspect it might have been becasue of them. So if I were in your situation I would tell a lie and say you grew apart because it would be a bad on the children as you said your daughter might not talk to him anymore.
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (26 December 2006):
If you can accept that he's not a porn addict, there is a chance you're hyper sensitive to the issue. You've mentioned his ideas of what is attractive have not changed, yet you have. There is a poooability you have some issues here. Is it possible you're feeling a little threatened by the fact he finds these others attractive. IF he was watching porn movies with 45 yearold women, would that bother you as much?
Remember, you said the his ideas about pretty women have not changed, your expectations did. Now, most importantly does he "tell" you he's not satisfied with you or is this something you're feeling? You might be misreading him. Is he saying he wishes you were this or that. Had your sex life become stale or mundane? Perhaps he was bored of feeling you were not enthusiastic. I can tell you, men love an enthusiastic partner. Men love to feel like they,ve got something the woman desires. The trouble, women are taught it's not ladylike to portray that image.
It's really a double standard.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2006): Thanks everyone who has replied. I think I have been given very good advice..it is best to leave it unsaid. for the record Im not religious and he probably isnt a porn addict , I just dont like the way his increased use of porn in our marriage has changed the way he sees me as I have gotten older. I look after myself and am healthy and attractive (i think) but its as if he has kept the women he looks at the same yet ive changed (aged) he now is not satisfied with having a wife who is 40+ when he sees the women in porn..i am very unhappy with him and whereas I used to really enjoy sex and being intimate lately since his attitude change I really am sad all the time).
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (26 December 2006):
There is no good purpose in telling them why you're breaking up. You hate porn. That's your point of view. Your husbands use of porn might be in the range of normal, by some people's standards. Not yours though, and that's what important to you. Since none of us have a totally clear picture of the situation, I won't judge him. You could be a very religous person and perhaps your tolerance is zero. He could be a porn addict. I don't know. But, turning the kids against their dad would be wrong.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2006): No, you don't tell them. This is your relationship baggage and irregardless of the reason 'why' you and your husband have split...I have to ask. What purpose would telling your children really serve in their young lives? Their safe haven, their home, their family is being split up, they will suffer a great loss, as is. You do everything you possible you can, to keep the bond and solidarity to their father intact. No matter what harmful mistakes he has made in his marriage to you...you do not damage the love they have for their father. Your daughter is forming her own thoughts and opinions based just on the comments her Father has made to you. Whether she hates what he said to you..she still loves him as her father. If they ask why, you buck up, be strong and tell them "your father and I are having relationship problems that are irreconcilable"-no details, just leave it at that. As for her own problems with her bf using porn...all you can do is be there, as a Mother to guide, support and love through her own relationship problems. But you never, ever denigrade or put down their father
...............................
A
male
reader, Ponungalungb  +, writes (26 December 2006):
 Tell them that you and your husband grew apart . . . and let it go at that. No need to jaundice their view of him.
People who live in fantasy land will soon find out that fantasies are just that. Until they discover that for themselves, I guess the porn industry will flourish.
Good luck!
...............................
|
