A
female
age
51-59,
*mptyHeart
writes:So, I have been seeing this guy (43 years old) for 2 weeks now, and decided that things have been getting more serious and I should do a background check on him. I do that to anyone I start dating because I have children I need to think about. Don't want to bring home a murderer, ya know? I never tell them that I do that, basically because I never come up with any criminal history on them. This time I found a misdemeanor of property damage/criminal mischief (this happened 5 years ago), and a tax lien from not paying medical bills on a psychiatric hospital stay, and several civil issues in the past month or so. My question is this, I really felt like this relationship was FINALLY taking off and was so wonderful. He was really nice and seemed very normal. I have been dating so many losers, I can't even count how many I have dated that never worked out. Do I bring it up to him that I checked him out, that I do that to everyone because I have to really think about my family and who I bring home? I really want him to clarify what happened before I jump to leave the guy. Maybe it was not as bad as it looks? Or do I just get out of it now without any further explanation from him? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 April 2012):
 OP, relax. You are their normalcy...
A
female
reader, EmptyHeart +, writes (7 April 2012):
EmptyHeart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSerious, meaning going in the direction of a possible relationship. I felt like it was headed that way. All signs pointing that way (calling every night talking for hours, asking me out a lot, a spark, a chemistry, kissing, holding hands, kissing my hand, etc). Yes, I'll admit, it was VERY fast for me to have sex, and everyone knows that with someone new, it is somewhat exciting. But afterwards, I felt like, uh oh, I should figure out whether this guy is a good guy for my family. I knew it was wrong, but in the heat of the moment, all morals go out the door. I am human. I felt like the shaking issue/going to bathroom was a red flag as well (told by a friend), that is why I checked him out. If it all went well, I probably would have waited a little longer to do a BC.
Everyone HAS to understand that I am new to this, I was married to my first husband for 17 years (10 years married, 7 dating), I knew him in high school. I never dated before that. So after his death, going out into the world again was weird for me. I dont have the experience others have. I guess I mess up sometimes, but everyone does, no one is perfect and follows the book on rules of dating. I live and I learn. I take all the comments as a help to me and try and change what I have been doing. If I did it again, yes, I probably would not get myself into that situation again. But I love my kids, and only want the best for them, I want them to have normalcy again.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2012): Because guys are usually not worried about the woman raping them or hurting them physically, it's a lot scarier out there for woman. That's what I meant. Sorry if wasn't clear.
I also understand that it should not be said to him, I ended up breaking it off to him gently. And just said that it was going a bit fast for me and I wasn't ready given my special circumstances of being widowed. And that was that. Over.
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male
reader, N91  +, writes (7 April 2012):
 No, you're right. I don't have any kids, I'm 20 years old.
Fair enough, yeah I totally understand you wanting to protect yourself and family. I'm not saying what you are doing is wrong, in fact it's an incredibly smart idea and kudos to you for being so switched on. And why don't I get it because I'm a guy? What's that supposed to mean?
I said, IMO it wouldn't be a good idea to tell him, as if this was to happen to ME, I'd be very freaked out and feel it was a bit of an invasion of my provacy.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 April 2012):
at two weeks out meeting a man you met on the internet you should still be meeting him ONLY in public places and he is at least 6 months away from being anywhere NEAR your children.
I could see doing the check at say TWO MONTHS but not two weeks...
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female
reader, EmptyHeart +, writes (6 April 2012):
EmptyHeart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionN91, guess you have no children of your own, cause if you did, you would feel different. And you are a guy, so you really dont get it. I don't feel bad for what I did in this scary world where there is a TON of rape, murder, etc. I take a step in protecting myself, nothing wrong with it. Not hurting anyone.
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (6 April 2012):
All I know if I found out a girl had been 'background checks' on me, I'd be creeped out as hell. So no, I definately wouldn't tell him if I was in your situation.
And as everyone else has said, 2 weeks is no where near serious, heck even a couple of months isn't serious!
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (5 April 2012):
 What about people who have to go hospital because they need close observation for assessment. You can't always be diagnosed outside hospital. And what if he has a breakdown, short and limited mental illness from stress, which gets better from rest and doesn't affect his life again... that is also very common.Anyway, missed your follow up, you guys are just friends. But please if you need to be careful, then wait until your sure before doing the sex thing. And don't rely on now check or test, they will throw up false positives (they declare the guy was all right in the past, but this says nothing about his behaviour in the present or future) and they miss out any cruel or immoral behaviour which can't/or isn't recorded.If you want to protect your family and children, you must work on your intuition and your gut feelings. That's what I tell children.... they must also learn to protect themselves, because if they wait for mum and dad and the police, they may get hurt. You can't leave protection to anyone else, teach your children how to shout, scream and run away and teach them how to TELL. The rapists are always around them, it's not only the guys your dating you need to be worried about. Anyone could have bad intentions towards your children, so they must be aware of dangers and how to handle them. That is the only way to protect them.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (5 April 2012):
Just to qualify.. In the UK, there is no such thing as a background check, we are not allowed such information. If you think the guy is sick or criminal, you just don't date him. The only way to get such information is to either get to know his friends and family and ask around or get pay a private detective.So for us, a background check on every guy, doesn't sound right, it sounds ultra cautious.Thinking about your situation, within the culture of your country, you shouldn't be sleeping with guys before the background check has come back to satisfy you. If your sleeping with him already, then there is an element of trust, because letting him into your body is the most intimate thing you can do.If them other things bother you, then yes end the relationship. I don't know how you would feel to know a guy was sleeping with you, but at the same time investigating you and then wanted to run away, because despite your good personality and kind ways, something you did 5years ago turned up and somehow said something about the person you are now.Personally I would be offended, but again, it's because in my country such things are not done. I imagine it's the same as some guy asking me to sign a pre-nup.You either trust him or you don't. You've done background checks on men before... but where the hell are they. I don't think background checks can really give you a good idea or whether people are good or not, unless they turn up a serious crime that was done in the last 6 months.
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female
reader, EmptyHeart +, writes (5 April 2012):
EmptyHeart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt wasnt really a breakup, it was more of a moving on? I would call it? Wrong choice of words? lol
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2012): Thank you for the great advice on dating. I need that being that I am new to this. Feel like after losing a husband that I want a relationship so badly and feel normal again that it clouds my judgement.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2012): Yes I know. It just happened. In the moment kind of thing. All morals out the door at that point. Hey, I'm honest--and human too! Ugh
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 April 2012):
Well what if you were friends with him and took it slowly and had NOT done a background check because you were doing it slowly
Meet online
Meet for coffee
He likes you asks you for a date
Meet him for dinner
He asks for another date
Spend a bit more time together
He asks again… so now we are at date 3
This should be 3-4 weeks into getting to know him… if you still get along then you start spending more time together
Dates that are afternoon till dinner
Dinner, movies, dancing , concerts etc…
Slowly you grow a friendship…. Then two or three months down the road you realize there is a spark…. And maybe then discuss progressing to more than just dating….
I strongly suggest reading some interesting books on relationships…
1. Why men love Bitches
2. THE RULES (now while I don’t AGREE with the RULES as laid out there are some GOOD points in there about how dating should progress and getting to know someone) there is even a book called The rule for online dating available grom Amazon or in a bookstore…
Or google rules for online dating there are lots of free things out there…. https://www.google.com/search?q=the+rules+for+online+dating&sourceid=ie7&rls=com.microsoft:en-us:IE-SearchBox&ie=&oe=
I did online dating.
I had children to protect
I had a heart to protect
it takes a LONG time to get to know someone.... two weeks is not enough time.. neither is two months...
GOING SLOWLY is critical...
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 April 2012):
 Wait a second!!!!
You had sex with him after 2 weeks?!?
If you're this cautious about someone in order to run a background check, then you should hold off on sex for a lot longer! There are personality traits that wouldn't show up on a background check, and you might as well abandon having these checks if you're going to be this reckless with sex.
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female
reader, EmptyHeart +, writes (5 April 2012):
EmptyHeart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt wasnt really a breakup, it was more of a moving on? I would call it? Wrong choice of words? lol
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female
reader, EmptyHeart +, writes (5 April 2012):
EmptyHeart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDo I want to wait until he DOES do something unexcusable?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 April 2012):
The trembling is probably a side effect of the medications he takes. My son trembles from some of his meds.
I hear what you are saying… but again it was two weeks.. how many dates did you have with this man in two weeks… two maybe 3 would be appropriate at most… there really wasn’t anything to break up….
IF there was you need to look at how you played into this event that caused it to be so serious so fast.
YOU have the control you need to keep any relationship at bay till you are more comfortable… if you don’t feel that control then you are giving up your power….
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female
reader, EmptyHeart +, writes (5 April 2012):
EmptyHeart is verified as being by the original poster of the questioniAmHereToHelpYou-That was what I was trying to say, he was going too fast, so that was why I did what I did. Look, I just don't want to settle on someone that may not be right for me and my family. It may be fine for someone else, but not what I am looking for.
So_Very_Confused-You know, its different, when you are trying to meet a guy online that will ultimately end up being with you long term and being a part of your family. Not really worried about other women. Diff with men. The friend thing, was only to make it easier for him to take while discussing the breakup. I didnt want him to get overly upset and do something to my house. So, it was kind of a nice way to do it, I guess without hurting his feelings. Doubt he will stay my friend. FYI-The trembling thing was just not trembling because he was nervous, it was full blown shaking. And it never died down. You know usually when you are with someone who makes you nervous, eventually it will calm down. It never did, even on the second date.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 April 2012):
Your new follow up says “if I find it going in a serious direction…” and yet you checked this guy out after just two weeks… do you check out new women friends too to protect your children?
IF you are willing to be friends with this man with psych issues, then how is that protecting yourself? You are still willing to be around him…..
Color me so very confused.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 April 2012):
Trembling on the date and peeing a lot… sounds nervous to me…
As for the psych hospital.. I have my discharge papers somewhere… I just tell folks “I’m certified I have papers” . I did my time at least 3 times… depression hurts… out of control bipolar before meds to manage it needs containment for safety more than anything.
And med changes often need to be monitored very closely at first.
Psych wards now are NOT what they were back when Zelda Fitzgerald (F Scott’s wife) lived on the grounds of Sheppard Pratt Hospital and had her own cottage because she was there for years.
Most psych hospitalizations now are to stabilize meds and keep the person safe…
If he had psych issues that are being managed without hospitalization would you be as concerned?
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female
reader, EmptyHeart +, writes (5 April 2012):
EmptyHeart is verified as being by the original poster of the questioniAmHereToHelpYou-I just want you to know that every situation is different. Yours may be different. I went through a mental breakdown with anxiety and stress related to my husbands death. So, I get it. But in this world, it is very scary out there for women more than men. You have to remember there are children involved, and I just can't take any risks. There are so many rapes, killings, I have to be smart about who I date. I am not going to get into a relationship knowing that this person could snap any second. I really don't feel bad about doing it. That is my own personal preference. I cannot go into it blindly. If I find it is going into a serious direction, Im going to check the person out.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 April 2012):
 Maybe you need to slow down the whole dating experience, having sex in the first two weeks is fast, no matter your age. But I guess since you run background check that soon, doing a test drive is in order too.
I think you are setting potential dates up for failure this way. Give them a CHANCE to tell you about themselves. Give yourself a chance to get to know them. If he seems like a decent fella then by all means after 2-3 months of dating do a background and if anything hinky pops up it won't be weird to ask about it.
For me though it's a red flag that he proclaims love after 2 week of getting to know you. No amount of phone calls/texting can really get you to know the other person as much as face to face conversation.
How are you going to build trust, when you enter into it with the mistrust from your past experiences?
Why not START out with friendship and let it build? Instead of sex, then drama, then "friendship"?
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female
reader, EmptyHeart +, writes (5 April 2012):
EmptyHeart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think it was the psychiatric hospital issue that bothered me the most. Not the tax lien or bankruptcy issue. I know that people can bounce back from that. That freaked me out, cause any person can seem normal and have psychological problems. I mean, he was trembling on my date and going to the bathroom a lot. That was a red flag to me. Maybe he is on heavy meds? I cannot settle, I have to think about my family.
UPDATE--I ended up NOT telling him, but saying that I am just not ready because of the death of my husband and my family and I are going through a lot right now. But we still can be friends. He was fine with that and he even offered help if I needed it around the house. If he is not all he says to be, it will show in the end, if we still stay friends.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 April 2012):
I didn't see your follow up when I posted my message.
There's also a fine line between learning from your past and holding your future partners responsible for your past partner's sins. You will hold yourself back and turn even the good guys away by assuming they're lying cheaters before you have a chance to get to know them.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 April 2012):
I wouldn't do a background check on him unless something he's said or done, or something you hear from someone else about him throws up a red flag. But that doesn't mean not to do it! I would say that you should only do it if you have "probable cause", and just meeting him after 2 weeks isn't probable cause. I think you'll find that many people recoil from the idea because of how unromantic it sounds, to be honest. And I do have a few caveats when it comes to doing background checks:
1. Do NOT bring it up that you're checking his background! No way! Yes, it's public information, but for the same reason that makes people recoil some, it'll make him think you're clingy and "in his business". Keep it on the sly!
2. Don't get nitpicky. A tax lien or a judgment from years back isn't necessarily a reason not to date him. A foreclosure or bankruptcy shouldn't disqualify him either, especially since the real issue is how he bounces back from financial calamity.
3.Big stuff is a big deal. A hidden marriage (if he said he was single to you!), a criminal record of assault or burglary, a DUI from 5 years ago or less, or anything threatening is definitely red flag material. However, again, If he's in his 40's, and you saw that he got fined for a bag of marijuana at age 19 at a stupid party, don't freak out.
3. Do *not* do anything illegal. Checking on his public records is a great idea. However, snagging his SSN and looking up a credit report is NOT GOOD. Neither is guessing his passwords to his Facebook or emails. That's snooping and borderline stalker-ish, and that should not happen. Same goes with paying a cop buddy to run a driving report on him too. Background checks are legally public as well as marriage, divorce, bankruptcy, property records, and criminal records.
DON'T bring it up. Make a cursory checking into him, and leave it at that. Relationships work best with mutual disclosure, which comes from the slow cultivating of intimacy. It's always good to be cautious, especially when it comes to your kids, but there's a fine line between caution and a fear of rejection and intimacy.
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reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (5 April 2012):
 If you don't want to get "too deep" before knowing, then yes, you should bring it up. If you don't want to waste time and get to the bottom of his criminal background, why not bring it up? You've already seen his background info. Your judgement is already clouded by it, so why delay having the conversation? Also that list doesn't sound too good. If all the other "losers" that you dated came out looking clean, chances are you're dating a real loser now.
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reader, EmptyHeart +, writes (5 April 2012):
EmptyHeart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd yes, I have had problems in the past with boyfriends who were liars and not who they said they were. Its not being paranoid at all-its when it progresses so fast that I have cause for concern. I like to take things slower. He was the one who was going fast.
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reader, EmptyHeart +, writes (5 April 2012):
EmptyHeart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo, I don't have those diseases, just trying to be safe in this world. Serious, I mean, he calls me everyday, had sex, holds my hand, said he misses me. This is only after 2 weeks, and yes I am concerned that all this has happened in that amount of time. Its a cause of concern for me, which is why I did the bckgrd check. I did not date much after my first marriage (Im widowed), so this dating thing is new to me, just bare with me. I was hoping this was just a normal relationship progressing really quickly. For my kids sake and my safety, I feel more secure knowing that I am not with someone that can harm me or my family.
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reader, EmptyHeart +, writes (5 April 2012):
EmptyHeart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do the background checks in the beginning, so that I don't get in too deep and fall for the person only then to find out that he is not who he says he is. Then I feel like I can continue with a clear head. I think it is important, and I truly feel like everyone should do it, esp when you are dating online and you don't know the person. I have no regrets. Aunty BimBim, I wasn't planning on introducing him to the kids for a long time, sorry, there was a miscommunication there.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 April 2012):
I agree 100% with Auntie Bim Bim. 2 weeks is WAY early in the game.
Don't get me wrong I think doing a background check is sensible and the smart thing to do, but... I don't know. Did you run it before you two got too serious? Or is it standard for you to do this so soon. I mean in many ways I think it was a good thing, because he may not be who he pretends to be.. He finances might be all kind of screwed. However, the bill from the psychiatric hospital, may not be FOR him.
Do you think he owes you any explanations after only 2 weeks?
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reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (4 April 2012):
 I find the fact you believe a relationship is getting seriou after only 2 weeks of dating of concern. I I had been dating somebody for 2 weeks and they queried me on the results of a background check they'd conducted on me I would be out of there so fast you wouldn't see me for dust.
After two weeks he should still be leaving you with a chaste kiss at the door and there is no reason for him to be meeting your kids for a few more months.
You intimate you have dated a lot of men who did not meet your standards, have you considered that by not conducting a background check but allowing time to get to know each other as a gradual process some of them may not be 'losers' at all, but the flaw here could be the type of men you are attracted to.
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