A
female
age
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*hmymy59
writes:After 5 years of being in a very emotionally abusive relationship with some physical abuse, I got out! Its been 2 months and counting, of absolutely no contact.The problem I'm having, is with his family. They always made me feel like apart of the family. They knew my ex had problems I just dont think they knew how severe his narcisstic sociopath personality disorder was.He's 58 years old. And has had issues his whole life.His grandmother is 98 years old, I truely loved her, his sisters and brother i only knew at family functions ( they werent very close to my ex..to the point of not talking to him for years) but they were always so very nice, along with his aunts to me. they were like my own family.Im still trying to heal from the nightmare that I've been put through. I have not talked to him and very sure he has a new victim, um I mean girlfriend.If, God forbid, his grandmother passes away, do I go to the funeral?...I want to to show my respect but I also know as our relationship was coming to an end...he talked very badly about me to his family, its his narcisstic way of covering himself. I know this because he tried to talk bad about me to my OWN family ...they thought he was crazy because they know I'm a good person....that didnt go over well, needless to say.I have 2 questions.the first question, should i go to the funeral which i would dread or just send a card? I dont want to see him and he might throw a fit if im there.The second question: I so badly want to tell his sister or his aunt (she doesnt speak very good english) the horrible evil things he has done to me and that I dont deserve any any bad mouthing by him. Do i call her and let her know some of the horrific things her brother did to me, or do i just move on? I asked my pastor why i care what people think of me, he said its because im a good person and do hold others opinions of myself with high regard and i do care what his family thinks. It bothers me to no end that he would say the bad things about me knowing they are not true,,,but his relatives will believe him, even though they know he has issues. He's also very convincing to the normal person..including courts therapist..ive seen him lie and con many...mostly women. The thought of his family thinking I'm the crazy one bothers me to no end. Whenever he was the first one to talk to either the family court people or therapist, they looked at me like I WAS THE EVIL one! But after I had my say and showed proof( pictures of bruises and my boss having to kick him out of my place of work for getting me so upset) and would tell of the horrible abuse right in front of my ex, the therapist, who before I spoke thought he was just a misunderstood macho guy who was "trying". Then they knew he was the problem. But I got to tell my side. With his family I dont have that right.And that hurts.
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female
reader, ohmymy59 +, writes (13 January 2012):
ohmymy59 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you ALL so much. I can't believe how many supportive insightful people there are in the world. I will take your advice. I will send a card ( that's if I ever find out if she has passed away) and visit her grave.
And thank you all for the great advice on telling my side to his family. They are from Sicily, very devoted to each other, in a weird way, because it's family. I see how they speak of his last ex wife of 22 years ago ( only married to her for 2 years ( me a year and a half) and she has a daughter by him ( who doesnt speak or see him at all!))He treated her terrible cheating on her with everyone , even neighbors. His aunt doesnt speak highly of her but a sister remains friends for years with her. So you are right
ITS HIS FAMILY!
Thank you all again what a great group of ladies and smart! I will heal and move on! God Bless
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2012): just my opinions:
1. Dont' go to the funeral, just send the card.
2. Write his family a letter or email explaining your side. Then send it to them (maybe make a copy for yourself), and leave it at that. now wash your hands clean of this. You would have had your say, it's there on the record, and whether they now CHOOSE to believe it or not, you have no control over. But what matters is that you spoke the truth, and you stood up for yourself to them so you upheld your honor. But you can't control what other people will choose to believe, all you can do is speak the truth and then let them deal with it however they may. but move on.
There are many other people in this world that you can form new lasting friendships and relationships with. You dont' "need" these particular set of people to want you, if they choose to believe lies about you. The longer you try to make them believe you rather than moving on, the longer you are letting your abusive ex retain control over you and your life even though the relationship is technically over.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2012): I think it's best just to send a card. If he is this way chances are his family aren't unaware of this on some level, either that or they're in denial, so it won't matter what you say. Just be glad you're out of the situation, his family is a part of it all, so maybe it's best not to pursue a relationship with them anymore.
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female
reader, Starlights  +, writes (13 January 2012):
 You've been through a trying situation and i commend you for your strength and perseverance in such times.
If anything your loyalty to him during the years of marriage show your true character, you are not evil.
My advice to you would be to keep away from him and anything to do with him. If his grandmother dies send the card but dont go. You have to think about your own safety and wellbeing.
Second of all you have the right to tell his family but there is no point telling his family what truly happened because regardless what you say they would always protect him thats his family.
You saying your truth may get it off your chest but it changes nothing. There is nothing his family can do or say to heal the wounds he , your ex caused you.
The only one who can heal yourself is you.
Other peoples opinions dont matter here, what matters is how you release your ex and his family out of your life in order to move on and build a life for yourself, one built on love not of abuse or on lies. You deserve so much better.
I hope this helps!
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2012): Firstly I'm sorry you have been through this. As for the funeral a bunch of flowers and nice card is appreciated, but as for going to it, that's not a good idea.As for telling his family, no you shouldn't tell them anything, just like he shouldn't have said anything to your family about you. If you do call them or tell them, they are going to think you are the crazy one and that what he has said is right, even if currently they don't believe what he has said to them about you. When it comes to his family they are HIS family, not yours, no matter how you feel or felt about them. Just leave it be and move on and heal from this experience. It can only end bad, if they don't believe you (which is most likely) then your the bad guy, if they do believe you then you have destroyed an entire family and that is not what a good person does. You care about these people, you are a good person, so for the people in that family that you do care about, say nothing at all. Good Luck
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reader, person12345 +, writes (13 January 2012):
 About the funeral, do not go. It would be inappropriate. Sending a card or flowers is always nice/appreciated though.
"With his family I dont have that right.And that hurts."
You're right, you don't have the right to tell his family. Not in the sense you mean though, in the sense that you don't have a right to try to wreck his entire family. They are HIS family. Even if he was a horrific abusive monster, they are his family and they will protect him and defend him and deny what you say. They will never believe you, not if you show them pictures, not if he was convicted of any form of abuse and thrown in jail. I know it hurts to think they will listen to him, but they are his family and will defend and side with him through just about anything.
All you will do is make them dislike you more, think you're crazy, and want to protect their family member more. You can't ask his family to turn on him, no matter how horrible he was to you. What would you think would happen if you succeeded? You would ruin their lives (not just his) by making them feel like it's their fault for his abusing you. If you care about his family you will just move on. No good can possibly come from trying to convince his family. Either you won't (ends worse for you), you will (and you seriously hurt his family).
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2012): The thing about Socipaths- they WANT to torment you. He is using your people pleasing behaviour against you.
If the family knows about him and even his siblings don't bother with him- I wouldn't think they think poorly of you.
What is often suggested by Therapists when dealing with a Sociopath is MOVE ON, BE HAPPY. Your happiness is what he loathes and attacks.
You being happy, means you 'Win' for lack of a better word.
Send a thoughtful card and leave his family be.
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female
reader, angelalb +, writes (13 January 2012):
I would send a card. His family probably knows how he is since you have said they liked you from the start. I would not say anything to them. I don't think they could do anything anyway. It might make you feel better but them feel worse. Good Luck to you and whatever you decide. Daniele
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