A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,I've been with my boyfriend for 2 plus years. He's so great we have the best times. We obviously fight and have our ups and downs but we always get thru them. I'm 24 he's 36. I'm a flight attendant and I don't usually go out and party with my crew however last night I did. One of the pilot that was there him and I have been friends for a year. Well everyone got really drunk and we all came back to our rooms. well right when I was about to close my door my pilot friend ran into my room and basically he started kissing my and we fooled around but we never had sex. I told him several times to go and he eventually did. I feel like crap. I'm not a cheater and honestly don't know how to handle this. I can't believe I let this happen I mean I don't wanna blame on being drunk but I swear this would all be different if I wasnt. Please help I don't wanna tell my bf cause hes crazy and I don't wanna loose him.
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female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (15 April 2012):
While alcohol does impair your judgement, it doesn't make you stupid. C'mon, you obviously wanted to hook up with this pilot. I've been drunk without previous boyfriends around with guys wanting to fool around and I never did anything. How is he supposed to trust you after this anyway--never drink alcohol again because you manage to lose any sort of self-control?
You don't want to tell your boyfriend because he's "crazy" and you don't want to lose him? If you don't want to lose him, then don't tell him. But if you want to be an honest person, then it's probably best to tell him and you'll probably end up losing him. As another poster said, what would you want him to do if the situation was reveresed. Would you want to know? Or is ignorance bliss? You're going to choose to do whatever you want despite whatever you're given on here. But yes, you should tell him if you want to have an honest relationship with someone. If you didn't want to lose him, then you shouldn't have fooled around with someone else.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (15 April 2012):
 When people say they got drunk and fooled around despite having a "great" relationship back home, I cant help but feel that if the relationship was that great, would you really have fooled around? How can you cheat on someone you love no matter how drunk you are? You were aware enough to realize what you were doing, you were aware enough to realize that it was wrong, yet you didn't stop it while it was happening. You basically allowed it to happen. You say it wouldnt have happened if you werent drunk, but it would have. You're just using the alcohol as an excuse.
I think you need to tell your boyfriend what happened because obviously something is not right in your relationship. You have cheated on him and he has the right to know. From there on you can decide if you want to work on the relationship or not, but that comes next. First things first, he needs to know.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2012): I'm afraid this is one of those cases where if you tell him you will probably lose him, unless he's a total idiot. This happened as part of your job OP, can you really imagine him ever trusting you again when this is what you do for a living week in and week out? Every time you go to work and have to perhaps stay over night in a hotel you'll be putting yourself right back into that position again and with the same people. This isn't just a random accident that can't happen again, you will be at parties with your colleagues again, you will drink again and you will be in the position to cheat again. How does he know you won't be going into the cockpit to sneak kisses or popping into a pilots room on an overnight stay? You can promise all you want OP, you cheated going to be very hard to regain that while you're still surrounded by the very guys you cheated with.
OP if this is something you think your boyfriend would want to know happened then you have to tell him and deal with the consequences. It's whatever you think he would want in this circumstance, I'd want know so I could dump you. Maybe he's different and less strict than me though, perhaps his love for you will spur him to fight to forgive you. But whatever happens you made a mistake and you need to do whatever you think he would want in this situation.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (15 April 2012):
 Ask yourself two questions...
If the situation were reversed, would you want to know?
and
Knowing what you know about your bf, do you think he would want to know?
In my opinion, yes you need to tell him. He needs to make an informed decision, and hiding this would be unethical. Also, if you do not tell him, but he finds out through other means (the pilot boasts about his conquest of you to your co-workers, and it becomes common knowledge and one of them lets it slip innocently via facebook), it will be an even worse violation of trust.
BTW, assuming you and your bf are in a monogamous relationship, then you need to consider that getting drunk at all is always going to be a threat to monogamy. It puts you in a position where you will not be sober enough to enforce your boundaries effectively.
I wrote some articles and did some media interviews on Making Monogamy Work, and you can check them out for free at:
http://www.franktalks.com/making-monogamy-work/
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Now comes for the very unpleasant part of this response.
What happened to you sounds very much like a possible assault. The problem is that because you were drunk, you will have very little credibility if you decide to challenge it. But it is still something you need to consider. At the very least, you need to confront the pilot and let him know that he crossed your boundaries and it was unacceptable behaviors. Again, the problem here is that you were drunk, so it is possible that you are not aware of your own behaviors that night, or his (drunk) interpretations of those behaviors.
This is one of the real dangers of drinking and so-called "soft drugs". No matter what anyone says about it not being dangerous...when situations like this occur, the lack of being sober attacks the persons credentials.
-Frank
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2012): in all honesty he deserves to know. i know how hard it must be to tell him, trust me ive been there. but i promise you secrets will worsen your relationship even years down the line and you can't allow yourself to be with him, knowing that hes kinda being tricked into staying with you. explain what happened and that it was a huge mistake and you have learnt from it and know to never ever put yourself in that position again. if you work this carefully it could even strengthen your relationship in the long run. everyone makes mistakes, we're only human and im sure if he loves you he will learn to in time get over this. good luck!
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