A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I have just found out that my partner of 9 years had cheated on me with his work colleague at his Christmas party. I feel physically sick at the thought of it and having seen the messages of their night of passion, arranging to meet again and keep it secret. I don’t know what to do as we have a 3 year old and a house together. I have very little family support around me so I feel very scared as I will be on my own. How do I approach this situation? Do I tell him I know? Do I message her or her partner (she has a boyfriend too). What should I do?
View related questions:
cheated on me, christmas, has a boyfriend Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2022): Typo correction:
"Don't [accept] the excuse he got caught-up in the heat of the moment, or tries to blame it on the alcohol."
"You need to prepare [yourself] to be independent, and have your own source of income."
P.S.
Make preparations for where you might have to go, if things turn sideways. Cutting ties with your own family, and having no friends, gives him way too much power and advantage over how things will turnout. So you have to have a plan. If you have nowhere to go; you may have to swallow your pride, and turn to the kindness of family. He may decide not to leave; and he may still continue seeing the other woman. Taking him back, or looking the other way, won't be as easy as you think. Don't get it in your head to let it go; because you feel you're helpless and at his mercy. That isn't true, unless you allow it to be.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2022): Why message her or her boyfriend? YOUR man cheated on YOU!!!
Preserve all your evidence. Have it backed-up incase he finds a way to delete it. Confront him calmly and as-a-matter-of-factly as possible! A big blowout gives him an excuse to run! Remind him he cheated on his family. He betrayed your trust; and now you don't know when you'll ever be able to trust him again. If you ever did, or if he has a history of being unfaithful.
It wouldn't be wise, but you could tell her boyfriend; but you don't know what kind of can of worms you could open. These are the days and times that people overreact in very dangerous and violent ways. Would you want it on your conscience if he seriously injured her, or worse? He could also come after your boyfriend; and give him a serious thrashing. One he may not recover from for a long time...or worse! Remember, he is the father of your child! He has to work to support his kid. You could be inviting violence to your own doorstep! The guy doesn't have to do it himself, he may have some shady buddies who could jack him up in an alley.
You will likely feel compelled to forgive him and keep him. Just bear this in mind; you will not trust him. He is an adult; and he will not account for his time, and report his every move. You can't stick a tracer on him, to track his every move; and you will be paranoid about his every call, or when he is away. You can't accompany him everywhere he goes. He will not agree to any conditions set on your forgiveness; if it means he will feel under latch and key, or on a leash. He'd rather break-up.
A cheater has a moment before executing the deed. They have a chance to consider all the consequences; and what they would sacrifice, if they follow through with cheating. Don't except the excuse he got caught-up in the heat of the moment, or tries to blame it on the alcohol. If he says it didn't mean anything; then it also means your trust means even less. He is not your husband. He is not under the moral or legal constraints of a husband; and his faithfulness is based solely on his good-faith.
I recommend you consult with a lawyer, to make sure you are not challenged for the custody of your child. You need to protect your credit-rating. If you are not working, and unable to prove you can maintain a safe and stable environment for the child; he may challenge you for custody, just to be vindictive.
Get your legal ducks in a row, for child-support. Don't depend on his promises to be a good-boy; because he is likely to repeat his cheating offense. You need to prepare your self to be independent, and have your own source of income. You are not salvaging a marriage; so he feels little obligation to work as hard as you would to salvage your relationship. Freedom to step away from a "faux-marriage," and be free to date whomever he wants, might seem quite enticing. Now that he has had a taste of sex outside of your relationship. Assuming it's the first and only offense.
Even if you take him back, forgiveness doesn't mean he will instantly regain your trust. Prepare yourself for the worst case scenario, in any event.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (18 December 2022):
 Do you really WANT to stay with a partner who can't keep it in his pants?
I get there there are a lot of complications due to it being a longer relationship, you share a house and a child BUT you have to look to the future.
Can you EVER trust him again? Do you want to be his doormat? To catch whatever STI he might bring home? Teach your kid that THIS is how "grown-up " relationships are.
1. Take screenshots of everything. Email it to yourself so you have a copy somewhere safe.
2. DECIDE what YOU want. Do you want to stay or want him to leave?
3. If you CHOOSE to stay with him WHAT would you need from him to rebuild some trust ( you will NEVER fully trust him EVER again. THAT is reality) however, that doesn't mean you two can't work it out IF he is remorseful and WILLING to do whatever it takes. JUST know that it STILL might not work out. Sometimes couples counseling is also a good way to work on issues and build a better future. Again, counseling is not a magical cure but an tool to CAN help.
4. If you DON'T want to stay with him, you NEED to figure out the logistics. Selling the house (potentially), getting child maintenance and getting a job (if you don't have one), and daycare options for the wee one, custody, and visitations. It might seem harder and more intimidating than staying but it might turn out to be the right move for you and the little one. ONLY you can figure that out.
5. I'd say you NEED to have a plan of action BEFORE confronting him.
6. I DO think you need to confront him (which is why you should save screenshots and have copies in a safe place). So he can't delete and pretend you are too stupid to ever find out. Because he DOES think you are stupid enough to swallow his lies.
7. Telling HER BF is something I would do WITH receipts IF your BF tries to lie some more you to, gaslight you, or make this ALL your fault. Then I'd burn it all to the ground and tell the woman's BF.
BUT
HAVE a plan beforehand.
Also, DEMAND he does an STI test.
I will say this though, Being on your own is not as bad as being with someone who thinks you are a moron, who doesn't respect you, or even CARE about you. IMHO.
I'm so sorry you are in this position.
Your Partner sucks ass.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2022): Get your ducks in a row.
If you had the money, I'd say LEAVE RIGHT NOW.
He's putting your health at risk, if nothing else.
But, you have no money, no support.
Get some of both, because your partner might decide to leave you even if you pretend not to know. And I'm not saying he's going to leave you because of this affair. He wouldn't be cheating if he were happy.
If you decide to pretend that everything's fine you cannot possibly have sex with him! You are lucky that you have found out! Many women learn this from their doctors. So be very careful! In a way you'd be spleeping not only with your partner, but with this colleague of his and her partner and god knows who else!
So, I have no idea how you're going to pull this pretend thing off.
I'd consult a lawyer and armed with the professional advice, I'd sit my partner down and tell him what I WANT. He's the one who made a mess.
Another thing... YOU ARE ALONE. He's cheating on you and this may not be the first time.
Some people are serial cheaters, some poeple do this when they want out of the relationship. You would never want to be with the former, and the latter for whatever reason do not want to be with you.
You are lucky - yeas I said it again - that you found out. He might have chosen the worst possible moment to leave you and you would have been completely unprepared.
The fact that you mention the possibility of informing her bf tells me that you would liek to sweep this under the rug and keep your partner. OK. Let's say this works. Let's say your cheating and lying partner doesn't blame all of this on you. How long do you think he'd stay?
You know what you have to do. It's painful and you're scared.
My husband IS MY ONLY FAMILY.
I live in a foreign country and have ZERO friends here.
I earn very little and still don't have the citizenship.
So, I know what I'm talking about when I say that I know how difficult things may be for you. Never the less, you need to prepare yourself. You have to tale care of yourself and the kid.
Don't pretend... reality always bites. You've got the heads up. Use it to your advantage.
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (18 December 2022):
 So he was unfaithful to you with a work colleague, shared a night of passion, and by the looks of it arranging to meet again.
I don't think this is something that can be just swept under the carpet and move on like all is fine. He has been unfaithful to you, and by the sounds of it does not sound like a one off either.
He does not know that you know, and i'm assuming that you looked at his phone to obtain this information?. Ok so you are in the loop and know he is being unfaithful to you. He is unaware you know, and he is to gutless to come to you and divulge the truth, which kind of says he is a lying rat.
I don't think that you should message her or her partner, certainly not at this stage. But its certainly something that has got to be addressed with him.
He is a cheater, and a liar, and i think will carry on being unfaithful to you with this colleague, or someone else if you don't nip this in the bud now.
If you confront him, he confesses, you forgive him, do you actually think you could trust him again after this. The problem him he has broken the trust barrier, and once someone does this the damage is often irreparable.
I know you have a son, you have a house, and you have little family support, but at the end of the day do you want your future with a cheater?. To be with someone and always suspecting them?. this is no life for anyone, and my advice would be to start looking into your rights, obtain some legal advice maybe. At the end of the day you have a child, and quite possible he could be the one that would have to go.
I know you don't have much family support, but don't go through this alone. There must be someone you can confide in.
He is a liar and a cheater, and not man enough to come to you and tell you the truth. Is this really someone you want to spend the rest of your life with.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2022): Before you do anything, get some legal advice or speak to citizens advice to find out what your rights are regarding financial support for your child. Then I suggest you also get a therapist or someone who can help with the emotional support you'll need. I would do that before you raise anything with your partner. You need to look after yourself and your child first and make sure you have somewhere to go, finances in place, etc. Then when you are ready you can tell him that you know what he did and that you are leaving him. As much as you might be angry with the other woman, she doesn't owe you anything. It's your partner that has let you down and who is to blame here.
...............................
|
