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female
age
41-50,
*o I tell?
writes: My boyfriend (now fiance) and I took a trip to Australia with his family last March. The day before we left for the trip his mother e-mailed me and added the words "almost mother in law" beside her name. Well this was pretty much a dead give away that my boyfriend was going to propose (which he did). I am so upset that she ruined one of the most imortant things in my life - my fiance would be so devastated if he knew she ruined it. I think about this all the time and my stomahc turns into knots when I think about it. Do I tell my fiance about this at the risk of geting him upset or just live with it?
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female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (3 January 2007):
 Oh c'mon. Are you already looking for reasons to fall out with her or pick a fight. You need to learn to live with it. She did not spoil one of the most importnt moments in your life. She was just excited and probably didn't realise you where gonna get all sh*tty with her over it!!
HE is still her little boy, and she must be so happy that he has found somebody to love, who she probably loves as well. Why else would she sign off with something like that? Welcome to my family, look we are NEARLY related is all that says to me.
Please give a little, you need this woman on your side. Let it go, you have so many other 1st's to go thru and she can't ruin them all. Take it from somebnody who has the ma-in-law from hell, enjoy and cherish a relationship with this woman. She has given you her most precious gift - her son.
xx
A
male
reader, harshbutfair +, writes (2 January 2007):
 If this is your biggest worry in life you need to thank your sweet lord for all the blessings you have..... people are dying out there and you're worried that your princess "moment" wasn't quite perfect... wow.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2007):
I really dont agree its a problem in the first place.
And I dont see how telling the husband makes anything any better? Can you explain that?
And are you really telling us that you had no idea going into this? You two had *never* discussed a future together? I bet the number of women who are totally caught unexpected is 10%. They may not know when, or how the guy has it planned, but I dont think they are suprised.
So be honest with yourself here- was anything really spoiled and how big a deal was it considering the point is to make a life long commitment, not just shock you
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (2 January 2007):
 I'd like to add something to my prreviuos post. Weddings and all things surrounding the big day can lead to BIG problems. I think it's generally an issue between the bride, brides mother and the mother of the groom. In my experience, it's mostly a day the females think and plan about for years. They have expectations for their own wedding day as well as the day of their child's wedding. People have ideas planted in their heads for years and can get quite bent out of shape over changes. Many wedding days have come with important participants having chips on their shoulders over small issues. Everyone means best but sometimes say or do things they shouldn't.
Try to see past what happened. Don't start off on the wrong foot. Make your plans. Be firm in you choices but understanding if others have ideas for your big day. Afterall, they are our parents and when you have your own kids you'll understand.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2007): You learn to live with it, dear. Do not take a happy occasion such as your proposal and run the risk of causing trouble in this family. It's simply not worth it. If you tell your fiancee, that his Mother ruined his big surprise, then this issue could create hard feelings. This is a happy occasion..don't taint with family strife. Totally unecessary. At times in our lives, we have to use rationale, maturity, tolerance and graciousness when dealing with the in-laws. Make this a habit and your future connections to this family will be happy ones. is needed here, on your part. Accept that his Mother used some lack of judgement and spilled the beans. Leave it...buck up, be strong and move on.
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (2 January 2007):
Try to get past it. She might have been just making light of the fact that you were like family. If it bothers you so much, and I undertand why, what purpose would it serve to spoil the event for your man? IF, and I repeat IF, you decide to say anything to anybody, I'd mention to her, in a light hearted manner, that you wished she'd kept that information to herself. It really is possible that she was just referring to you in a lovng way and it was a coincidence that he proposed.
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A
female
reader, Lilly223  +, writes (2 January 2007):
 I think your fiance has a right to know what Mum did, but in a gentle way... perhaps, "I just KNEW you were going to propose! :)" When he asks "Why" you can lightly say, "Oh, Your Mum told me. :)" Then HE, as it is his responsibility, can deal with the issues. The last thing you need is to deal with passive/aggressive issues with your future mother-in-law. After marriage his priorities should lie with you, and getting a handle on this kind of behavior before it gets blown WAAAY out of proportion seems like the right way to go. I realize this may seem like fighting fire with fire (passive with aggression and vice versa) but it would seem obvious that he is used to this kind of thing if he has lived with his mother for any length of time. Just don't let it get carried away and continue to deal with the 'mother-in-law' issue in the future.
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A
female
reader, Pretty and proud +, writes (2 January 2007):
 hey,
you need to think really hard now, yes he has a right to know that his proposal was ruined but how do you think this would affect the relationship between him and his mum? if it does then its not worth it at all just think about the wedding and your future together. best wishes.
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (2 January 2007):
 Hi there,
I would be a bit annoyed if that happened to me, as well. But what matters most is not that the surprise was ruined, but what the proposal actually stands for. (Congratulaions, by the way!) Try being happy about your fiance wanting to take this huge step with you. After all, that's probably what happened whe his mother blurted it out to you - she was probably just really happy and excited about it. And if you look at it another way, at least she seems like she's really happy that you'll be joining the family, right? Look, we all make mistakes, you know? Don't be too hard on her. Plus, you'll have many other "important days of your life" in the future - the bridal shower, wedding, the birth of your children (if you have them), etc.
The only thing that you might want to take note of is that if you ever plan anything in the future that you don't want your future hubby (or anyone else) to know about, such as a surprise party, try telling your future m-i-l last so there's less time for her to spoil things.
But if you still feel bothered by it, by all means bring it up to your fiance. You are supposed to be able to talk with each other about anything, you know. But just remember what people say about picking your battles. Is this really worth it? In my personal opinion, it's not. I'd just be happy that your guy's mom was thrilled about your plans! :)
Take care.
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A
female
reader, katiemarie +, writes (2 January 2007):
 My advice would be to remeber how you felt when you read that email knowing he was going to propose, Did your heart beat faster?, was you excited?
I think you should speak to your mother in law an tell her your not angry with her just upset she gave away what you boyfriend was planning.
I also think once you have spoken to your mother in law you might feel better. If your fiance is as excited as you are about getting married i wouldnt tell him unless you really cant resolve this issue with your mother in law.
Best wishes
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2007): Malyce, those counsellors must be making millions by now for every post you make! Makes me consider to become one. How many years schooling... Hmmm... 8]
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2007): Give me a break.
She didn't ruin it but it does seem a bit...lacking judgement on her part.
Forgive. You shouldn't be fixated on that; you should be looking ahead with Fiance and how happy in love you are.
How about getting some counselling and address it there. Get some perspective and guidance how to solve this matter without being angry.
Counsellor may suggest couple's counselling.
This will need to be addressed as it won't go away and the resentment will build and tear at your relationship/marriage until it is dealt with minus the anger and resentment and with a heart of forgiveness and compassion.
Best Wishes.
Counselling. ASAP
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2007): I suggest you don't tell him, and pretend that it didn't happen, because it benefits no one by creating tension between you and the mother-in-law, and the mother and her son. Just keep it to yourself. It's something that might hurt initially, but the marriage itself will most likely wipe any of these minority issues away. Sometimes, people don't know that things like this can make ruin. She could have meant well. Let's just leave it at that.
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