A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone, I could really do with some advice. I've been dreaming about a particular guy for almost two years now but have never told him how I feel. We're both doctors and he's about to move to a new area and it's killing me. Let's call him James. Well, we met two years ago and the second I saw him I felt like I'd been struck by lightning. Pure love/lust at first sight! I've seen him on and off over that time and we're working on a project together. He's very friendly and I feel like there's chemistry there but I think he's attached. I was considering emailing him to tell him how I feel but would this be disrespectful if he does have a girlfriend? How can I let him know that I like him without scaring him off. I'm interested in something long term. I'm 34 so should know what to do really. Thanks. P.S. I'm quite shy, pretty but a little curvier than I'd like, clever, warm and kind (or so I'm told!!!)
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your thoughts so far! In answer to some of the questions. I think we have chemistry but my feelings are so strong that it might just be the intensity of my own feelings that I'm sensing. He doesn't flirt woth me as such but, in the past, has done little things that lead to us spending more time together. I think he's quite shy too and, although he's tall, handsome and a lovely warm person, I sense he's not got a huge amount of experience. He's also quite modest so my feelings might come as a surprise to him.
I'm anxious because I don't want to lose his friendship. If he's with someone else or is shocked by my feelings then he might say we shouldn't see each other any more. Or rather, no email contact, as that's what it would mainly be after his move.
On the other hand, maybe I'm misinterpreting his warm, generous, giving personality as more than it is. We often end up emailing each other at around 12am in the morning...all work related.
I just don't know how to switch things from work to friends even, let alone lovers!
Also, I'm 5 foot 8 and weigh about 190 pounds. I'd like to lose about 40 pounds. I'm in proportion and dress well but I'm evidently a bit overweight. Should I wait the 20 weeks until I've lost the weight before saying anything? I got injured and gained it then. I'd be interested in guys' honest opinions on this. The danger is, he'll already have moved by then but that's not insurmountable. But maybe he'll be with someone else or, my worst fear, have a baby in that time (conceive one)!!
A
male
reader, Nehemie Mb  +, writes (3 July 2012):
Well, I can only imagine how awkward that must be for you to be in that position.I think this should be pretty straight forward. But the course of action will depend of what kind of chemistry you guys have. Do you have just professional chemistry? Friendly chemistry? Or a flirty kinda chemistry, or a little bit of all of the above? I'm gonna go ahead and assume the last.Since there's a time constraint here, you can't be as subtle as you'd like. So, here's what I think you should do. First shift the rules of the relationship to what you're aiming for. Make the relationship drift in a different direction than what it already is now. This is essential if you've been friendzoned or your connection is only professional.How to do this? Create more opportunities for you to be with him in an environment other than what you're used to. You said you guys meet off work, yes...up the ante a bit, hold his gaze longer, smile more when he talks to you, meet more in more personal settings but don't make it feel like a date just yet. That is, until you've ascertained if he's single or not. And here the advice of Sweet-thing really shines. Ask him a clever question about his partner.Once you've made sure he's single and you're good to go, then start ACTIVELY showing him that you're interested. Ask him questions about him, his day, his likes, etc...bottom line, show him you're interested in his life. The benefit here is the symmetrical nature human interactions/conversations have. If you ask him questions about him, either he'll ask you a question about you, or you'll get to talk about you too in the process. This way you're indirectly making him interested in you.Once you've made that shift to a relationship where you show your interest in him. Make the bold move. There are two courses of action you can take here:1. If you wanna be subtle, you can ask to meet him like you usually do. But make it totally feel like a date!!! (Don't be afraid to make subtle physical contact).2. You can flat out ask him out if you know he got interested enough, if he doesn't ask you out first ;)And as your last resort and if you've run out of time, you could simply tell him. Do it boldly though, don't go on an emotional effusion, but tell him clearly and concisely what you feel. I'm not saying this will be easy for you, but I don't think you'll forgive yourself if he ever left and you never got to tell him what you feel because you chickened out!Plus, really us guys are used to do all the work, but when we once in a while meet that woman that so boldly tells us how she feels? We take it as a delightful compliment. It's so attractive! Confidence in a woman is really sexy. And that's where I'll address your 'curvier than I'd like comment'...just know that everybody on this earth is 'somethingier' than they'd like. And know that you're better looking than you think you are. If this can help with the self-image part.All in all, whatever you do, you should be really bold in your approach. Don't hesitate. You'll thank yourself later for that I'm sure. Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (3 July 2012):
 Instead of an email it would better to talk to him in person. There are ways to ask while being a little subtle. You could say, "These long hours are killing me, how is your wife handling it?"......or "Have a great week-end. Do you and your wife have any plans?" He'll either rush to say, "I don't have a wife" or he'll blab on about what they plan to do. Then you'll know. If he says he doesn't have a wife, you could turn it into a cute flirt and say, "What? A great catch like you?...There must be a girlfriend waiting when you get home..." Once you establish he's single, you could just invite him for coffee or a drink after work. Then let things happen naturally. You've already established good chemistry so it shouldn't be too hard once you know he's not involved with anyone else. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Melaniee  +, writes (3 July 2012):
 Its better to give him hints firsts so he can make the first move, try to flirt with him lol try to get his attention first ...than ask him if he wanted to go eat lunch together with you, if he go eat lunch with you thats your doorway to ask him if he's single :) if he says ''yes'' that means he's in to you too :)). FYI.....if he move somewhere before you make the move on him, just go ahead and email him your feelings, he should understand since you guys got a very busy schedule, Good Luck!!!
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A
male
reader, mwarren +, writes (3 July 2012):
 If you dont do it you will regret it for the rest of your life. IF he is moving to another area and youre not going to see him much or at all ,even more the reason to do it.You are 34 be mature about it ask to speak to him about a personal matter in private and tell him how you feel. You dont know if he has a girlfriend so its not being disrespectfull.Even if he does not feel the same way he will greatly appreciate that you told him and a lifgelog friendship may develop.The worst that happens is he says he isnt interested. You never know unless you try, and you will feel better even if you try and it doesnt work. Ir will relieve alot of future anxiety ...and you may be surprised what happensJust do it. If you feel soemthing like that let him know. I would want to know if someone felt about me like that.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2012): first find out if he has a girlfriend then if he doesnt, spend more time with him then if you need to try to build up the courage to tell him
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