A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey!Thanks for reading this, hope you can give me some advice. Ok so I posted recently how I was having trouble with my ex, she dumped me claiming she didn’t have time for a relationship, but then a few weeks later made it obvious she wanted us to start seeing each other again. However, after about 3 weeks I felt I was the one doing all the running, maintaining contact and asking her to do things etc. While she blew hot and cold with me, one minute acting interested and the next not and only choosing to see me whenever she felt like it. I was starting to feel like a bit of a fool really, as she dumped me and yet I was the one chasing her and trying to sort it out. I asked for advice, and was told to let her initiate contact and ask to see me etc, as if she was that interested she would. However, she’s beautiful and has lots of offers, so I was worried that if I didn’t maintain contact or keep asking her to do things, she would feel I wasn’t interested and move on. Anyways, the last time I saw or heard from her was nearly a week and a half ago, we met up and watched a film etc. But then the next day, I text her and she seemed cold with me, only answering the questions I asked and not really wanting to maintain conversation or anything. By this time I felt annoyed and used, as it was as if she was interested when she had nothing better to do, but then didn’t want to know again the next day. So I decided to follow the advice I was given, back off and let her initiate contact. This was a week and a half a go like I say, and guess what..... I still haven’t heard anything from her. Not a text or phone call asking how I am or what I have been up to or anything. Does anybody have any advice on what I should do? Do I take it she’s just not interested and move on; as if she was she would have been in touch right? Or do I accept she’s not going to get in touch and try to initiate contact again? I don’t really want to be the one to get in touch with her, as I'll be back to square one and feel I'm the one doing all the running again. Which I don’t think I should be doing after she dumped me. The problem is though I love this girl, but just feel like I'm being her doormat at the moment. Also she has exams coming up next week, I'd really like to wish her luck and things, but that would mean me initiating contact yet again. I know that sounds petty of me, but what should I do? Any advice would be most grateful. Thanks for reading!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Beckto  +, writes (18 July 2007):
 I said it before, I'll say it again: "You're wasting your time with her."
That means, don't call her to wish her good luck. She'll be ok without you. You'll be ok without her.
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (18 July 2007):
 I think your being really decent wanting to wish her luck in her exams but in all honesty it's yet another life line of contact to her. Decide today that 'This is the last day you will have contact'. Don't phone her or text or e-mail your good luck message, but perhaps tell a mutual friend to pass it to her.
Wouldn't you rather be giving that good luck message to a 'true' girlfriend, and have her come to you after her exams and you both go for a beer to celebrate? instead of this girl who doesn't care about you?
I know this is painful for you darling, but it really is time to cut the cord. Don't give her any more chances. Your done with her and it's time to give those others girls a chance.
let me know how things turn out.
Aunty Em x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your all advice, I appreciate it :-) . It is really hard to just move on though, as I miss her so much. It’s been 6 months since we officially broke up, and shes been playing me on and off since then. In that time I have let her, and have turned down various offers from other girls. However, you are all right, I need to be strong, and not give in next time she gets in touch or shows interest, it is time to find somebody that does deserve to be with me.
What about my other dilemma though, she has important exams next week, id like to wish her the best of luck and hope it goes well, and feel it may look a bit nasty of me if I don’t. What do you think, should I text or email saying good luck? Or should I not give her the opportunity to be back in touch?
Thanks again for all your advice!
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (17 July 2007):
I feel for you Sweetie. Its a horrible position to find yourself in, when you have invested so much time in her and been so patient. As beautiful as she is, it doesn't disguise the fact that she is treating you badly. Do you deserve that?...nope you do not.
I am a firm avocate that men get to do all the chasing, I will admit this, but only if (after the chasing) the woman reciprocates in a positive way. The desire to get what you want is only fulfilled if the girl gives you clear and constant signals that she is interested, she may appear a little aloof but when you call her, she will be warm and receptive to your charms, not cold and distant and monosylabic. I don't think this is the case in this instance. I think she is sadly using you. You have become her SIB- her Stand In Boyfriend. Someone she can hang with to make herself feel wanted, whilst keeping a firm eye out for the guy she REALLY wants.
I want you to read this bit twice: THIS DOESN'T MAKE YOU WEAK,A BAD PERSON OR A DORK!!! in fact IT MAKES HER RUDE, ARROGANT, A BAD PERSON AND A DORK...for a) not being honest b) for stringing you (a decent caring chap) along and c) for using your hope.
She is using the hope you hold in your heart to be with her, to keep you just where she wants you...at arms length, but available to date when she is bored or alone.
You have to look at yourself and what you want. Don't you want to be with someone who loves and respects you and wants you to hold them dear? of course you do. She may be beautiful, but the world is full of beautiful girls and a good deal of them will eventually find a path to you. Let them find a young man who is strong, self assured that he isnt going to be used, who is confident and happy that nobody will ever treat him badly again.
Take that girls e-mail, address and phone number and ceremoniously dump them, she really isnt worth your time. Hold your head up high and don't look back (not even if shes calling your name from the rooftop)Forget her and go make yourself happy. She doesn't deserve you.
Aunty Em
xxx
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A
female
reader, Beckto +, writes (17 July 2007):
It sounds like you don't understand one very important thing about relationships: It takes two.
A healthy relationship is in general, 50%/50%. But, everything you've just described is about 80%/20%. Why subject yourself and waste your time with someone who isn't really interested in you? You think she acts that way with every guy she's with? If so, then that's a miserable existence.
Don't you get pleasure out of doing things for someone you love? Don't you love giving flowers? Don't you love checking in with them? Letting them know you care?
Why doesn't she seem to love giving too?
You're wasting your time with her. Listen to your gut.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (17 July 2007):
 Honey, she isn't interested. You have to give it up at this point. I know it hurts but you will have to move on. Keep yourself busy, time is your best friend. You'll be just fine and will find someone who loves you as much as you love them. You sound like a really great guy, some lady is going to be very fortunate indeed.
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