A
male
age
41-50,
*ARTY
writes:I have met a girl who for the best part of a year was just eye contact across a pub, after some Dutch courage we ended up having a date in which I cooked for her, we had a great time and stayed up until the early hours of the morning and she was asking all sorts of intimate questions, Then 3 days later we had another date, which again went great and after this we emailed and text every day, even calls at night. then we went out on that following weekend had another great time during which as he said stuff like I really like you I just have trouble showing my emotions etc..we Ended up sleeping together (no intercourse) and on Sunday morning she invited me to hers for dinner with her family!!!!! Which was a bit fast for me but I did. then on Monday I got a email stating she was not happy with the weekend, she said she had a great time but it was getting to heavy to soon, she said it was accidental that it got that way and that she wants some single time to move into her new flat and she is busy with her work as she is a uni lecturer and has to write programs, she came out of a 8 year relationship living with someone in febuary and said she has never had anytime to be on her own and discover herself which she wanted to do and that she had this plan to move into her flat on her own and decorate it on her own etc., yet I thought we was only dating nothing serious, she explained that if she wanted a relationship that she would make time for one, yet she said that we can still go on dates and sleep with each other without the commitment, as long as we was not sleeping with anyone else, to be honest I would prefer that as well, yet I feel this has all ended with her saying that in a nice way as since then conversations etc has all gone cold, I just don’t get it, I only responded to her mails and texts and calls, do you think she got cold feet as she had a plan of moving into her flat and finding herself then I come along and it all might be up in the air, it is all messed my head up as she told me that she really liked me 2 days before???I feel like a complete mug and can’t believe that this happened, let’s just say after the way she had been acting and stuff she had been saying, her email came as a bombshell and left me not knowing how to approach her now?Please help, do I take a step back and let her contact me or be persistent but not pressure??
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male
reader, Asexy  +, writes (24 October 2007):
 I think taking a step back is a good idea. Let her define things for a short while.
I have a problem with something she said: "she said that we can still go on dates and sleep with each other without the commitment, as long as we was not sleeping with anyone else"
How is that not a commitment? If you've promised not to sleep with someone else, that's a committed relationship, isn't it? Hmmm....
If you're not ready to move on (which is what I think honestly you should do) I would give her lots of space, and don't "date" her until you have the terms perfectly clear. You'll need to talk to her a lot to get that part worked out, and since talking is good for any relationship, that might be okay. Good luck.
A
female
reader, Its_X_ +, writes (24 October 2007):
 Ok, well being in an 8 year relationship and then it ending is a HUGE deal. Thats like marriage. She truly does need some time. Can you imagine being in love with someone for 8 years and devoting your time to them and never really discovering who you are? Give her time, be there for her, but don't push for a relationship. She'll push you back farther. Be there to support her but say you aren't there to try to win her over or be her boyfriend. She needs time, you need to respect her needs before anything else. Calm yourself down and know you did nothing wrong. She just needs time to take a breath and then dive into another relationship. She still likes you, she might just be a bit worried or just not ready yet. Good Luck.
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