A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need a little bit advice as to why im feeli ng this way. Ive been with my partner for 2 and a half yrs now and ive known him nearly 3 yrs. I have a son with my previous partner and we all live together. My partner is 27 yr and im 24 yrs. ive started now asking if marriage is on his mind and where the relationship is heading he says yes it is but whenever i bring it up as in ask how long until he proposes he always Says maybe when its been 5 yrs. And i keep saying its either your in or out im not waiting 3 more yrs for you to figure it out i have a 6 yr old and he loves him to but im really struggling because its like he has no plans. He either dodges the question or just. The only thing he says is dont get your hopes up when we go overseas because it will not happen. So now im just so unhappy about even going overseas with him because its like i know how he feels Already.only one of his friends are married and all the rest just love partying.ive slowed down his drinking with friends because it became a huge issue between us so he has cut back. But his friends are the worst influence on him. He is in a relationship and they still show each other and talk dirty about half naked women and put pictures up about pornstars and talk horribly.my partner doesnt participate but he still reads all the crap they send. Do u stay with someone who is so unsure about you? I have my 6 yr old to think about and if he isnt the right one i would like to find a partner who values me? Is it wrong to because i feel unhappy all the time but i love him so much and i know he loves me to. We have had our ups and downs but moved past alot of issues before.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2015): I was in a very similar situation to you at your age. I had a young daughter (I'd been married but her father abandoned us and never contributed to her upkeep in any way) and I met someone through attending college - I was just about to become 25, my daughter 5. I had already convinced myself that no man would ever want me because I had a child. At that time (mid nineties) there was a huge amount of prejudice in the UK about single Mum's. It's not so bad now, but back then it was terrible for a young woman to endure and cope with. I had no self esteem whatsoever, despite being very capable, hard working, attractive and a great Mum. I was also very kind to people - too kind.When I met this new guy, I didn't like him at first. But he kept charming his way in. I was eventually so flattered by the thought that he wanted to be with me, that I 'gave in', even though so many things told me it wasn't right. I fell deeply in love, in a way I didn't think possible. BUT there were things that were huge signals at the time and which I ignored, that things would not work out well. Like your boyfriend, he drank far too much and had a lot of VERY immature friends. He ALWAYS prioritised socialising with friends first and before me. He totally ignored my daughter for the first six years of our relationship. And it was killing me, but I'd been to counselling and talked through how I might have to accept that other people might not know how to handle me being a young Mum - I took this advice to the extreme, and basically let him and others put me down. He would NEVER discuss our relationship, or the future. He would even say things like "Yeah, but we're not really together.." which would set off a huge amount of anxiety in me as I simply didn't understand what he meant - we were a couple, but he would come out with this from time to time. Years later, what I was to learn was that it was his way of saying that he wanted to play the field and/or he had slept with someone else.I stayed with this person for 18 years and the stress of being in a relationship with him made me seriously physically ill. In all that time he NEVER wanted to make plans together, or even cooperate about doing things together (even when we were living together). I was terrified of losing him because the "highs" were amazing. But the "lows" were hellish and finally I could take no more - his binge drinking meant that I constantly felt I was with someone who was either mentally ill or physically ill ( he would have two day hangovers and be incapable of doing anything). He was at times physically aggressive and violent and was once arrested by the police for assaulting me. Worse than any of this was that he knew, all along, that I had no other family - no mum, dad, siblings, aunts, uncles - absolutely no-one to turn to - so at the back of his mind there was always the feeling, I believe, that he could get away with so much of this because no one else was looking out for me. He was never cruel to my daughter, but she was exposed to a lot of his bad behaviour, and received very confused messages about men as a result. What I would say to you is that I think some men are attracted to single parents because, even though they may not consciously realise it, it means that she is a 'sure bet' for them. What I mean by this is that, as a single Mum, you CAN'T go out like other women of your age, whenever you please, and so you get less attention from men and there's less chance of you finding someone else. It means that men who have underlying insecurities (which is also why they tend to drink too much ie. to feel better about themselves) know, inside, that they've got more control over you. What they then do is keep stringing you along, often for years on end. The reason they do this is that they haven't got it in them to have the confidence that other men have to go out and "go for it" in terms of life itself and what they want from life. I'm not saying they are losers, I'm saying they can be hard working and ambitious, but deep inside there will be an insecurity that holds them back and stops them from feeling confident about engaging in life with a partner fully. They are ultimately selfish men, who can only think in terms of 'one' (themselves) and not two or more. They will give you just enough nice experiences and will show just enough vulnerability to make you feel loved and to make sure that you care for them. Again, I'm definitely not saying they sit down and make a decision to do this, they just instinctively do it.In my ex boyfriend's case, his Mum and Dad had divorced when he was young and his Mum had cut all contact with the Dad, meaning that the Dad had such a hard time actually seeing his son that he 'cut off' emotionally. This meant that my ex learned to do the same - he learned to be emotionally distant so as not to get hurt. But he also became very controlling, in his own way. A the same time, he was a total Mummy's boy and what I also realised was that I was expected to be another version of Mum - so, effectively, I was bringing up two children, not one. It wore me out. I needed protection and for someone to take the lead. I ended up feeling constantly forced to take the lead because he couldn't and wouldn't. And he was totally incapable of really protecting me because he'd not properly grown up. It's taken me 20 years to figure out what all of it was about and 20 years to realise that I basically threw away what are often the best two decades - 20's and 30's - of a woman's life. I was totally naive and felt like no one else would ever love me or my daughter. I really implore you to leave this person. He will string you along and, in his own way, he is already controlling you by keeping you forever uncertain - it means you can't move on and can't make a future properly, because you never know where you stand with him. This is a form of disorientation and it's actually one that's used by kidnappers and torturers to weaken the victim - ie. make them feel powerless and like they don't know where they are or where they stand and then it's easier to control them. He is robbing you of your sense of power and he will give your son a strange idea of how a man should be in the world and how he should treat women. Raise your self esteem and set yourself higher standards, don't leave it too late.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2015): I don't know what to tell you...I can only give you the perspective of someone who has been unsure in the past (me).I don't know if I ever would have made up my mind. For me, the clincher would have been the same as you-I think if he would have asked me to marry him,then I'd have known FOR SURE one way or the other. If I were put in the middle of the fire,so to speak. The problem in my case was that this never happened,because he wanted to be sure that he will get a "yes" before even asking.I could not guarantee that because I did not know what I really wanted. I did not know what the future held for me (i.e there was lack of financial stability on my part at that time) and I just didn't really know what I wanted to do/where I wanted to go. I also didn't want to depend entirely on him. I was very young (mid 20s) and it was my first very long-term relationship and I did not know what I was getting/going to get. I didn't even have anything to compare it to. Did not know what was normal/what not (this in reference to more everyday chores-expect him to clean or not? etc. etc.).I loved him to bits,but I was just scared. Scared to death. Scared of maybe hurting him one day, scared of making the wrong decision (for me marriage is for life,NOT "oh,let's try and commit and if it doesn't work out,well,we can always divorce".)Comparable to jitters/ stress/ fear before an exam. After the exam you feel ok,but before it you're almost in a state of paranoia. I felt like it was a test of our relationship and did not know what to do. Didn't know the right answer to the question.For me IF I do get married to someone - it's for a lifetime. Not partner 1, partner 2, or you're not good enough,I'll change you for partner 3.It turned out I shouldn't have worried so much about the way I might one day hurt him (let's just say he was leaving a lot behind for me and since I was unsure about the outcome of the relationship,I was very scared of the "What IF...?"e.g. "What IF it does not work out? he'll be away from his family etc. etc.")...Then,of course,I do use this now as "Oh,maybe deep down,I just knew and that's why I was so unsure." but of course that isn't it. It's just a justification/rationalisation.I'm a thinker by nature and I always weight up things. Measure twice, cut once.This character trait of mine sometimes means that I react slower than other people.In your case: you already have a child by another partner,so that's a factor (not for or against you,just an important thing to consider. My 1st thought would be: "what if the child gets too attached to me and it doesn't work out between us? Would that child be upset/ feel that it has been left behind/unloved?")I think you maybe need to discuss if he wants to have a family with you? (i.e. not necessarily having another child, but does he see you and your baby boy becoming HIS family?what does he think about that?)If he does-maybe suggest to him gently that you'd like to make that family official,so that legally he can be his daddy too?Or maybe he just feels too young to be a daddy? I don't know. People mature emotionally at a different age.Either way, it will be good to talk it out and try and find out.Wish you all the best luck with the tough talks,Lady Chatterley
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