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female
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anonymous
writes:I am a 49 year old female with a 14 year old daughter. I have been married 15 years and for the entire time I have known this man he has drank; but it seems every year his drinking is getting worse. Even though I am married, I feel like a single parent. He does nothing with us. He would rather stay home and drink. Our sex life is obsolete. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. I'm here because of my daughter. I moved out in 2004 and my daughter was so unhappy she wanted to come back home. Should I stay or go? I do love my husband but not like I use to. Please help me.
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (23 August 2009):
 What example are you setting for your daughter?
That she should stick with a bad husband herself, for the sake of her daughter?
Monkey see, monkey do. Remember that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2009): Sandman, you assume that this woman has done nothing much to help her addict husband(she doesn't specify it's true) but the other posters on the contrary assumed the opposute, that she has already tried, seeing that they've been together for not 3 years but 15 years.She can't help him against his own will.If she indeed has tried all of the things you advise already with no luck do you not also think she should move on to a quieter place and a safer and healthier environment for the daughter?
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male
reader, Sandman +, writes (23 August 2009):
 Yes. But not because of your daughter. Because of the vows you made 15 years ago.
The man you fell in love with and married 15 years ago now has a problem and he NEEDS help. Moreover, he NEEDS support. So for starters, instead of leaving, try getting him some help that he so desperately needs (in your question you never mention if you have tried this or not so I am assuming you have not).
Alcoholism is a disease and if left untreated can lead to death. Alcoholism is progressive, meaning it becomes worse over time. There is a clinical definition to what who is considered alcoholic - your husband may or may not fit that description but he may be darned close. Unfortunately, there is no medical "cure" for alcoholism. Therefore, the road to recovery is a long, hard, stressful, and sometimes painful journey. But if you truly want what is best for your family, then start by getting your husband help with his problem.
Telling your husband that his drinking is affecting the family is where to start. But you telling him may not be the straw that breaks the camels back for him. It may need to come from a third party - a clinical specialist who is able to effectively communicate to your husband what he is doing and how it is negatively affecting his relationship with his wife and daughter. This may help to open his eyes to his growing problem and move him to seek help.
And if he seeks help, then great! It is the first step of MANY towards recovery. But remember, many alcoholics relapse - and if he does, try not to fault him. Remember, alcoholism is a psychologically defined disease, and without any medical intervention to "cure" it, it is hard to recover from.
If you choose to stay and help your husband through this - I can guarantee you one thing, it WILL be hard! Yes. Very hard. I'm not going to sugar coat it. Try going to a meeting designed for families of alcoholics. I think it's called AL-ANON for you and ALATEEN for your daughter. Find a meeting near you and sit and listen to the stories they tell. Listen to the pain and hurt they go through - which is much like what you're going through. But then listen to the success stories they tell. How much better things have gotten for their families once the person sought help. You'll find that you're not alone.
I'm gonna be the lone person here and tell you to fight for your marriage. It is really easy to leave your husband and it is easy to see why. But remember the lessons you're teaching your daughter. Staying in your marriage and fighting for and with (not each other but the alcoholism) your husband isn't showing you are willing to stay in a bad marriage. It shows that you are willing to fight and fight hard for the people you love. It shows you are willing to go tooth and nail against anything that stands to destroy the family you have built together. It shows your daughter that running isn't always the best answer although people will make it seem as though it is.
Hope this helps.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2009): I have lived with an alcoholic for several years and I feel your pain. I don't have any children to consider so my decision to leave if she didn't stop getting drunk every single day was an easy one.In your case, it would be less stressful on your daughter if you could somehow get him out of the house rather than move out yourself. If I were you I'd consult a divorce lawyer for their opinion.Unless he can rid himself of his addiction you'll never be happy and everyone deserves some happiness in their life. Bear in mind also that it's really a disease and is treatable, but he'll have to recognise that there's a problem and he'll have to want to seek help himself. Only he can fix this.I wish you peace and happiness for the future.
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reader, bitterblue  +, writes (23 August 2009):
 You are teaching your daughter to stay in an unhealthy marriage for poor reasons, I'm sorry to say this. It seems he does nothing to confirm his presence in the house otherwise than by drinking. Does he ever even go to work? You are sure things cannot better, only become worse, thus you have answered your own question. If your daughter is later on in a relationship with a drinker or an abuser she may, too, stay for all the wrong reasons: I love him, I'm used to it, etc. Is this the life you want for her? Talk to her about all these, she is old enough now to understand and learn a little about relationships. She must see that one shouldn't have to face sacrifice by staying with such a disturbed individual who refuses help, seeing every glass he lifts to his mouth and feeling that pain as much if not MORE than him, as I'm sure he suffers too. It will hurt her but it is best for her in the long run. I'm sure you have tried to help him before and you can continue to try but from afar! Meanwhile your daughter will be able to bring friends at home without feeling embarassed by her father's conduct under the influence of alcohol. I think you should also read more about how this "family disease" as it's called affects children and their growth and choices later on. Best wishes.
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female
reader, kittykhaos  +, writes (23 August 2009):
 You should leave, your daughter is now 14 and before she was 9 so now she is old enough to understand whats going on. She probably is aware of her fathers drinking and she is also probably aware of how unhappy you are. You can't force yourself to stay and in the long run you are doing her more damage because effectively you are living a lie. My sister once came home from school with her friend and said that *Barney* had just found out that his parents had stayed together for 8 years just for him but they had been lying to him for years. He said he would have much rethread his parents be honest. All you are doing is lying to her is this an example you want to set? As for the drinking, the love of my life is an alcoholic he chose booze over me i would have done anything for him but he would do anything for booze and thats how it works. You have tried your hardest but in 15 years if he hasn't changed then he's not going to. Please don't put your self through this anymore you said you feel ike a single parent so its not like your going to miss the help. I think it would be better for you in the long run and sometimes you have to be selfish. Good luck i know you have a hard choice to make,xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2009): Perhaps before you move out (again) you could talk to him (when he's sober) about his behaviour and how you are willing to end this marriage if he doesn't clean up his act and start acting like a proper husband and father? Unless he really doesn't care, he needs a wake up call to see what he is losing, because right now all he can see is what's left in the beer can. I'm sure you've already talked to him countless times about this, and I bet when you went back after leaving the first time, he was OK for a while, then started drinking heavily again? I think he is an addict. He needs help but only if he wants to, and right now he doesn't want to. Perhaps he needs to lose what is most important to him before he can see he NEEDS to change. You could stick it out and try to get him to see sense, or suggest marriage counselling, but he needs to stop drinking before you can do this. If you have tried, and you are only staying because of your daughter, then I think leaving is the best option. You both will be much happier without him. If he changes and quits the drinking, then your daughter can see him on a regular basis.
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