A
male
age
51-59,
*e not you
writes:My wife and I have been married for six years and together for eleven. We have two beautiful boys soon to be five and six. On our third year of marriage work required me to leave for a year and I was only able to return for a two week block about eight months in. She seemed very happy to see me but she was in another place. I dismissed it to us just being apart for so long. Even though I was gone for so long I would call just about every night waiting up to three hours just to make a phone call. She was all I thought about and the boys of course with out fail. Everything that I did I did for them always before my self. When I returned I felt the same distance I felt when I came back on leave but it got worse as time went on. She spent more and more time on the phone, texting friends then she would talking to me. I started to fear the worst. My wife and I had been so close for so long I said to my self that it would be impossible for her to be cheating on me. There was no way in my mind that that could be happening. Not to me, after all I had given her my heart. There was no turning back, I gave her my sole. I decided that I was going to go see a shrink mostly because I started having bad dreams, dreams of my wife getting raped and a saw my self there in a third person watching her get raped and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Then I started to think, maby I'm having these dreams because she's having an affair and I couldn't stop it, but she can't be having an affair we were so close for so long but were not close anymore........ok shrink time. I thought ok, maby if I had someone to talk to I could see how redickuless this whole thing is. Well the doc put me on zoloft to help keep me from going crazy, but what it realy did was just not make me care. I hated feeling this way it wasn't me at all. I was a popular guy and everyone liked me so I had to do something and soon, all this craziness has taken up almost a year of my life. Wow a year since I returned home something was deffently going on. My work once again required that I go to school for three weeks and I thought its now or never. Its time that I trust the feelings that I've had and set the trap. I left for training and kept in contact with her threw the week not letting her know that I was going to return that weekend. It was a long nights drive but it had to be done, I has to find out if I was crazy so I could get some help or if this was the real deal. I had prep the camquater and waited outside my house, blood pumping threw my vanes so fast I nearly ripped the stearing wheel of the car. As I sat there about ready to break down, I thought to my self, maby I don't want to know, this is going to kill me, I practically have pure adrenaline running threw my vanes. The lights went out so I swallowed my heart turned on the camquarter and entered the house. As I approached the bedroom and hurd the moaning I can honestly say that this was the moment that my hart truly died........... The door was locked and I tried to kick it in with no luck. I then began pounding on the door untill she opened it. And there it was as plain as day, a day that I would wish on no one. A day where everything that you have fought for was lost. After it was all said and done my mind was cleared. I wasn't crazy, all this time and I wasn't crazy and it only cost me my hart. I kicked them both out of the house and told them to do that crap somewhere else. Maby I'm crazy after all but after two and a half years I didn't think it realy mattered. I didn't know what else to do but kick them out and stay with the boys. I knew I had to leave for training the next day but I didn't realy care at this point. The next day when she returned she asked if we were done. I paused.......I didn't know what to say. what was left of my hart still loved her. And after eleven years she was all that I new. I told her that she was never to see or contact him again ever. She looked at me and nodded her head. But nothing is that easy is it. I had to go back to training and I told her that I would talk to her over the next few weeks and that we would work on things. As I went threw the rest of my training, we fought a lot, she still wanted to remain friends with him, she clamed that he had been there for him when I was gone and our family were little help. I tried to explain to her that every time I herd his name I relived the whole thing. I can't live this way then the big brick hit me. My work was going to transfer me to the city where he lived. I new then that this pain would never leave my hart. What kind of joke is GOD playing on me. I never thought I deserved it like this. I grew tired of talking about it and wanted to put it to bed so I just stopped talking about it. I thought I was being the nice guy here. I never restricted her from doing anything just him. Then the second brick hit me and it hit hard. Ten days after the transfer she asked me if she could go out with him, you know just as friends. I thought to my self ( being in a state of shock) for the very first time, I no longer see us together for ever, for the very first time I didn't feel like I couldent live without her. Besides if I said no it she wouldent have understood she can't see past her own selfishness and I was in no mood to fight. I hit a big turning point that day. Don't get me wrong, I still love her but it was that moment that I thought, I don't think I'm in love with her anymore. Now I'm torn. I know what divorces are, they are completely unfair to the father even with an affair ill never get the boys. So do I stay married let her cheat so I can see my boys every day, to be a influencing force in there lives or try to repair my life and see them when the courts say I can like every other weekend. I feel so lost.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2009): No. This has been answered before.
NO. NO. NO.
You will see your boys. Who knows, given the evidence, you may get custody.
If she is openly cheating like you say, she will leave you someday anyway and she will use the boys as a bargaining chip. Take the initiative. You choose, don't let her choose for you.
How will you ever get a girl in the future when she finds out that you don't care if your wife openly wife on you? What does that say about how much you care about your wife? And, everybody will wonder why she cheats if she has you right there for sex.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2009): No , and get a solicitor
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A
female
reader, always.you +, writes (10 June 2009):
 Does she even have a job?
Im a teenager and im sorry but if my mom was cheating on my dad i wouldnt want my dad too stay he deserves better than that. He deserves to find someone that loves him and would never do that to him. Your childern might not understtand at that age but trust me they will when they get older. But you should never stay in a relationship just for the kids.
You said you got the affair on tape? And it sounds like you have a good paying job correct? And that you have good intentions for your childern. Honestly if you presented the judge with everything she has done and you have a great laywer i dont see how you wouldnt get the kids. I know alot about child custody and the laws and rights. Even if you dont win you would most likely get joint custody.
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