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male
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anonymous
writes: I have been in a bad relationship for 14 years and about 4 months ago I fell in love with a girl online that lives in another country. About 3 weeks ago the online girl was diagnosed with ovarian cancer...I had been contemplating staying in my bad relationship and stopping talking to the girl online, but since she fell ill I cannot dare hurt her now. I don’t want to stay in this bad relationship I’ve been in either.I’m almost sure I still want to be with the online girl. The online girl knows all about my bad relationship, but the girl I’m in the bad relationship with doesn’t know about the online girl.I’m having trouble leaving the bad relationship because I don’t want to hurt her either. I’m not sure if this online love is as real as I feel it is. I just don’t know what to do. I am afraid of winding up with no one and hurting two people in the process. I can’t live with myself hurting her while she is in her condition. She’s only 27, had to have a hysterectomy and now going through chemo. She’s devestated already I can’t be one to hurt her further. All in all I guess I just want to break off the bad relationship and be with the online girl without hurting anyone. And also to be sure its the right thing to do. Thank you for any advice you might have.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2007): I think you owe it to yourself to follow your heart. Their is nobody in this world that can tell you, no matter what choice you make, if it is right or wrong. I understand you don't want to hurt anyone, but don't you think that staying in a bad relationship and wishing you were with someone else is just as bad? and more importantly you are lying to to the girl you are in te relationship with who you say you don't want to hurt.You are betraying her and that is far worse than breaking up with her. It is up to you weather or not you want to tell the one your with that their is someone else, but that does not seem to be the reason for wanting to end your relationship.I believe you sincerely don't want to be in the relationship because it is unhealthy and bad for you.Also,I think everyone worries about not finding somebody, but would you rather be alone or with someone and miserable?Life is short, wasting time on an empty and bad relationship takes away from who you are and your happiness.If you love this online girl then you should be by her side helping her deal with her cancer. As for the relationship you are in now, well i think you should sit down and have a heartfelt talk with her about your relationship. Try to be as gentle and thoughtfull about whatever you choose to tell her. I think by talking to the girl your in the relationsip with will help you get some closure and move on. Most importatnly, find out who you are and what it is you really want from a relationsip before getting seriousely involved with the online girl. Hope I could help.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2007): You are silly; you have already hurt the person you are in a bad relationship with. You are cheating on her and are no longer fully avalible to her. Grow up! You should have left before you started loving someone else, nothing good can come of the new relationship either how could she ever trust you, you are not trust worthy. In truth the only person you are sparing is yourself stop pretending to be such a hero, you're a cheat and liar and this new girl know it too. Either suck it up and do the work you need to do to turn this 'bad relationship' relationship around or leave; be as kind to this person as possible so she can move on and find someone with some integrity. As far as this new girl as a guy I can say once a cheat always a cheat. I mean to her you are a cheat she will never really forget that.
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female
reader, berry  +, writes (9 May 2007):
 Hi there take stock! u need to think about yourself and your needs you seem caring ! you arnt happy in your relationship that is why you are talking to an other person online, is your bad relationship addictive and why? its hard breakin up after so long i know! but you have to stop feelin guilty too, you are possibly hurting your self too, look after yourself after all cancer can arrive through stress, if u not happy get out, or your own health may deteriate! as far as the person you are chatting to whom has cancer dont feel bad, she is strong and her way of coping is chatting and i am sure your not the only one believe me mate, my brother died of cancer and he made many friends along the way as well as the ones he already had, this young woman would not be offended and probably dosent want a relationship, jst a friend, dont feel bad, consider your needs too as u are important tooo, wishing you the best. stop feelin guilty action speaks louder thn wordsxxxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2005): Listen mate, d'ya really know this girl? Is she really a she? Has she got a hidden past or maybe she's some kind of sycopath how is luring you poor enocent man into the trap. But you are the only person who can deside. But my advise is:1, think things through 2, Is she really the one 3, Will this last forever. good luck!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2005): Both postings have offered you very good, sound advice and I'm putting my 2 cents in here, too. I think the real problem is that you haven't really learned to take care of yourself, emotionally, fully yet and in an mature fashion. If you cannot choose between two people and simply feel an 'obligation not to hurt' both women, you need to consider going it alone, until you can a better sense of where you want to be in life. You seem way more focused on what these women do for you. Both of these women satisfy a different need of yours. The bad relationship makes you feel safe and not lonely. I see your lack of commitment to her as selfish but you see it as the safer way to live. And that is unfair to your gf. You need to let her go and allow her to find happiness with someone who appreciates and respects her. Be kind and respectful but most of all, be honest. Relationships are changeable situations..sometimes hurt and disappointments happen. But on the other side of the coin, your gf needs the opportunity to pursue other relationships which could bring her joy, gratification and satisfaction. It is self-defeating of you to concentrate so much on the negative and not do anything about it. If things are going wrong, use this as a "clear indicator" to leave this relationship. Your affair with the online gf is pursued from your emotional impulses, not your rational thinking. Your online gf makes you feel attractive and needed. You don't say if you have met this woman in real life...if not, tread very, very carefully. HarshbutFair brings up some good, valid pointers in his posting. Until you really know for sure what her story is, go sloooow. Perhaps you can offer her some support and thoughtfulness through her illness..but just as a good, kind friend.
So-here's my advice. Get your emotions in good working order. Make sure your self-esteem is based on your own achievements and that you feel more fully evolved and centered which means working things out personally and with yourself. You may think you are being good to these women, but, in reality, you are lying to both and misrepresenting your availability. The bottom line is that we can't really and truly fall in love until we love and value ourselves. Other people cannot complete us or be used to fill up the empty spaces within ourselves.
Think about going it alone for awhile and work on your own life to feel more loving and complete within yourself. After you have grown a bit, you might be able to make a better decision in regards to your online gf or, you might actually find someone completely different. Who knows?
I wish you luck in whatever you decide...take care
Hugs,
Irish
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (3 October 2005):
 I think harshbutfair is right to warn you of possible deceit with your online friend. Unless you actually meet this girl, you cannot know for sure whether what she says is true. You do need to be cautious for your own sake but I understand your feelings.
I believe you need to more so look at your present relationship and consider what to do. I think you are worried about being on your own but you may find that, despite the possibility of a new relationship, you need to let go of your current relationship anyway.
Staying in a bad relationship for reasons of not wishing to be alone will ultimately make you (and possibly your partner, I would imagine) very unhappy. If you really feel that there is no hope and that you cannot and do not wish to make the relationship better, you need to break it off. If you can honestly say to yourself that you no longer love your partner, you need to break free for your sake and her's. You could meet someone new and be very happy but you aren't giving yourself that chance.
The most important task for you to consider now is breaking up with your girlfriend; this is more important than considering a relationship with your online friend because you need to do what is best for you.
I realise that this will hurt your girlfriend but staying with her when you don't feel the right feelings for her will be hurting her anyway and will cost her even more in terms of emotional pain the longer it goes on.
Make the break from your partner first and then consider whether you wish to meet your online friend. You don't want to hurt her either but remember that if you haven't actually met her and she is aware that you are in a relationship, you aren't responsible for her. Perhaps just being a supportive online friend would be good for the moment.
I really hope this helps.
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A
male
reader, Ellis Mac +, writes (3 October 2005):
I understand your dilemma. However, I feel as though you need to trust yourself on this one. No one can tell you what to do. It's a case of follow your heart or your head.If you spend quite moments listening to your heart and your inner intuition, maybe a clearer picture will emerge. Try not to let outside influences affect a decision on what is best for you. This may sound a bit vague, but only you know the answer.
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reader, wwww.datinghaven.com +, writes (3 October 2005):
REGARDLESS...wot the f**k you still doing in a bad relationship for 14 years?
You should break up, and take that online girl as a pinch of salt (like harshbutfair said). if the online girl doesnt turn out to be who she says she is then at least you have gotten out of a bad relationship and you can then go find someone else, there is plenty more fish in the sea!
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A
male
reader, harshbutfair +, writes (3 October 2005):
 This is going to sound terribly harsh, but I have heard of this happening before... Unless you have absolute proof that your online girl IS who she says she is and DOES have cancer... Treat it with a pinch of salt. Even for me this is harsh but I have personally seen people believe their "online buddy" is going to die, only for it all to be exposed as a sick lie for whatever reason. Please be vigilant and do not do anything rash.
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