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female
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*ari
writes: Ok, well this is kind of hard, but here goes...Around March, one of my really good friends found a boyfriend on the internet. He lives in Norway and we're both in the UK, so she's never met him.At first I was skeptical about him, because she hadn't met him on a 'dating' website and it was kind of suspicious, but she insisted that he was genuine because she's seen numerous pictures of him [which she showed me], and because she does 'webcam' with him every night.Well, after a while [in May, I think]I began to talk to him too, and we became good friends. We've got loads in common and we were just getting closer and closer.For a while I was upset because I knew he liked my best friend best, and that cheating was really wrong, but I felt that I really loved him. I wrote depressing entries in my journal and felt really down for a while.Then quite suddenly, he was acting a little more mysterious but hinting that he liked me too... We talked more and it progressed, and I guess he feels the same way about me now, though I'm not 100% sure of his feelings. He says such lovely things sometimes that make my heart flutter, but I can't help thinking if he says exactly the same things to my friend.I feel bed because it's like I'm cheating, but my friend is still his 'official' girlfriend, and she doesn't know anything about me and his relationship. I don't know if I can bear to confront my friend about it, because I know all my other friends will take her side - and worse, this guy might decide he likes her best anyway, which would leave me in a really bad position.Before I met him, I was planning on going to Norway anyway, and if I do go - should I meet him in person? What might happen?Please help me, I'm in a real fix!~Nari xx
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (18 August 2005):
 I guess this had to happen one day - web infedelity or internet unfaithfulness, what could you call it?
How can your best friend be his 'official' girlfriend when they haven't even met?! I am right to assume neither of you have met this man?
Okay, so you can form a relationship of sorts over the internet, but you still need to meet someone to really establish the relationship and find out what you are like together. As for falling in love, again the same thing applies; it is more likely that you are falling in love with the ideal of a person rather than the real person, it isn't exactly based on reality.
Of course what you are doing isn't right. You are aware of the fact that your friend likes this guy and 'met' him first and formed an internet relationship with him. She wouldn't be too happy if she knew what was going on. However, this guy is either treating the whole situation lightly and having a bit of fun with both of you online or he is a bit of a b*****d who likes to have more than one woman on the go at a time. Either way, he doesn't hold the credentials for being an honourable and trustworthy man.
Do you really want a man who charms another woman at the same time as you? I mean, if your friend is still in contact with him, you must realise that there are reasons for her doing so.
You could confront him and ask him who he wants as he can't have the both of you. I know there would be repercussions if he chose you over your friend but unfortunately, when you play with fire, someone always gets burnt. And, of course, he could chose your friend.
I think it would probably be far better if you 'dumped' him and tried to find a man just for you and told your friend what has been going on so she doesn't get hurt. Again, she could be angry with you but at least you would be thinking of her in the long-term as opposed to yourself.
Why not join internet dating sites and meet someone if you are intent upon meeting someone this way? Some very happy relationship and marriages have sprung up from internet dating but admittedly you have to be able to trust someone and that is very hard to do over the internet.
The choice is yours but also think about the possibility that the guy in Norway may not only be being dishonest with you and your friend but he may not be telling the whole truth about his own situation as well.
Good luck.
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