A
male
age
36-40,
*ad_dave
writes:Hi Everyone,Where do I start. Well I met this girl a while ago through a friend after I had gone through a rather emotional patch. She's Japanese and 30 years old - and I'm 23. She can't speak english very well at all and I communicate with her in Japanese.We've been together for a year now and at first I treated it like a short term thing - like it was always going to end because eventually she'd have to go back home to Japan. I didn't really think about it at all and as the time past I have grown to really like her. Last week we bought tickets to go to Japan together and so we're flying out shortly for a holiday. After purchasing the tickets we were sitting around her place and just talking about things, and one thing that had somewhat bothered me from the start was how she could afford to live in a nice apartment, go overseas all without having to work. We'd gotten a bit closer and she ended up opening up to me and told me that when she was back in Japan she worked at a "kyabukura" - its like a bar where men with a bit of cash can go to sit down and drink with girls. She had worked at such a bar for a long time and had met literally hundreds of old men. I told her that this story bothered me (it isn't prostitution but from a westerners perspective its not something I could tell my mum about). I acknowledged it was in the past and we can't do anything about it so there isn't any point in doting on it.After all of this she dropped a massive bomb on me saying that she thought we should break up if I didn't want to commit to her. I was devestated because, how can I say that this person is someone I want to be with for the rest of my life when I just don't know all that much about her. I feel emotionally drained - sometimes I think she's so cute and I get on so well with her I want to be with her forever but other times I think I should just break up with her. I'm so confused - last night when she told me she wants commitment, I explained that I couldn't tell if I wanted to be with her forever, but I was thinking about all the fun we'd have in Japan and that I had been thinking about moving in with her. At one stage I said I didn't want to break up with her but if she wanted to break up with me she had to make the decision - she said that I was "zurui" which means cunning. By the end of the night I told her that I didn't have any plans to break up with her, fullstop, and by that time it was 4am and I had to get some sleep for work.My situation is quite complicated but it comes down to two main points:1. Do I ride it out and see how it goes and go to Japan with her?2. Do I tell her I'm not sure I can commit and break up with her?If you have any other advice I'd really love to hear from you. I just don't have anyone to talk to at the moment. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Gate85  +, writes (18 February 2009):
I know this answer is rather late as I just joined but I would say you should go for it if you have developed serious feelings for her. Being an American man engaged to a Japanese woman, I can tell you that they have a tendency to fall in love very quickly...and they MEAN it. This is especially true with women of your girlfriend's age. Being over thirty and unmarried is not a desirable situation for a Japanese woman in Japan. Men all tend to want women under 25 over there. Might seem screwed up but it's true. My fiancee and I have been together almost 5 years and she was talking marriage after our first month together. Luckily, I was on the same page having fallen fast and hard. However, it will scare you if you're not prepared for it.
A
female
reader, sappygirl +, writes (14 October 2008):
 you sound like you care for her a lot.
she is obviously very special to you. I think since the tickets are already bought, I think you go should ahead and take the holiday trip with her and then make your decision aferwards. That way you can see her in her own enviroment/element and the time you spend with her will really give you an insight on who she really is. And you can know her better and make a better desicion.
The truth is you are way too young to be truly committed forever. Esp to an older women like herself. She should understand where you are coming from. afterall she is dating a younger guy.
don't be pressured into anything serious if you have doubts. Take your time in getting to know her.
If she won't let you wait and make a desicion until after the trip..then i think its best to end it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2008): Hi there
ur story sounds interesting, I admire how well you could separate the past from present, not many boyfriends could do that..
You two seem to get on really well and it would be a pity if you just gave up this nice relationship.
She is 30 already and probably thinking about a stable long term relationship, maybe setting up a family, which is completely understandable.
If I were you, a 23 year old deeply in love with an older gf who happens to ask me for a commitment, I would probably try to avoid getting married right now, but try to prove in another way that I am serious with her.
Would gain 1 or 2 years time and then I would know more abt the 2 of us, what chances we have....
I hope u dont break up cos of a commitment only.
Good luck
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