A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Long read, please be patient, thank you!I am 28 years old and as of now I have a total of 4 relationships in my life, none of which except for the currently on-going one lasted more than a year.The current one I am dating I met through internet dating service about 10 months ago. The reason why I chose the internet is because I work under my parents in a very rural, foreign country; in 3 years of working here I have not met any friend, let alone possible girlfriends. Well, long story short, eventually I tried the internet dating thing and it worked, we exchanged mails for about 5-6 months, then eventually met up, then over the course of next few months, we decided to be together.A problem I have is that through our development of friendship to official relationships, I have observed that she is in a very devastating stage of her life, the reason why she got in touch with me via the internet was because she was suffering with her deteriorating relationship with her ex-boyfriend, who was also her business partner, and it appeared that her ex was tying her down in the relationship by making her a partner of their own company, however, it later became apparent that he not only was tying her down with the company, but also he was moving the capitals she put together into his personal accounts for his own use. She became suspicious and suffered greatly for being constantly kept in the shadow and lies.Towards the end of their relationship that's where I got in (unaware of the fact that she was in a mess and needed someone to talk to), upon the 3rd time we had sex, and later that week she confessed, with her super angry ex threatening to kill me; at first I decided not to continue the relationship, but I didn't want to leave her, so later on she was firm and broke up with her ex and started with me clean.The problem is, her ex appears to be some kind of a con man, he gets involved with a lot of illegal activities that he kept secret from her, and at some point during their relationship, he convinced her to invest all her life savings for this business that they planned, and as it turned out, none of it seemed to be real and she's lost everything she's got.More outrageously, it appeared that her ex had also conned money with at least 2 other women when all of the above was on-going. I couldn't believe that she was entirely oblivious to the situations she was in, at one point I told her she was foolish for allowing herself to be in the situation, which hurt her deeply, later I realized that the whole time her ex INTENDED to cheat sex and money off of her (and other women), and I felt that she was a victim, and she needed my support to get through the crisis.So now, instead of having a normal relationship, we are now having a long distance relationship, she now resides in a nearby state working a job she doesn't quite enjoy, I travel to her by flying to her every or every other weekend. I never imagined myself to be maintaining a long distance relationship but I feel that aside from the extra expenses and physical stress, I feel happy to see her all the time.I have never felt so strongly about a girl before, and never felt so loved by another girl before also. I am the only person who knows about her problems, she keeps all this problems away from her family because she does not want them to worry; I have also met her parents to confirm that I am very serious about this relationship.However, just last weekend, she told me she wanted a baby all of a sudden, and she said she is very tired of her life and that the pain to know that all her life's savings were cheated away was too much to bear, and she just wants to devote herself into raising a baby to forget about all her sadness, I think it's similar to exchanging emails with me to reduce her stress in the very beginning.I asked her if she's thought about the future of the baby because we both obviously aren't ready yet - she's in debt, and I'm still trying to make something out of myself. She even told me that if I don't want the baby, she'll just raise the baby herself, and that she'll only marry me if I REALLY DO LOVE HER.I love her, but I am not sure if I can accept this concept. She says she loves me very, very, very much and primarily because I was always there for her during her hardships. But when I think about it, I really am not ready to be a father, I feel that I want to do much more and make more money and at least a house to settle down; I told her honestly and I asked her if she could wait, and she eventually said she can and wanted me to forget about asking me the question.I am not sure what love really is, I just know that I want her to be happy, I hate to see her sad; our sex is great, maybe because we only get to see each other every weekend; she does all she can to please me and make me feel good; we cuddle to sleep until we wake, I just feel happy when we are together, but I don't want to have a baby with her now because I just think it's such a great responsibility and I'm not ready for it.I am wondering if I really do love her, or that I love her because I sympathize her, maybe I am not mature enough to take responsibility? What triggered me to post this is that I feel that she's purposely making me not use the condom when we make love, and we did for multiple times we use the "pull-out", even though I insist on using condoms, and I imagine if I impregnate her NOW I wouldn't feel very happy about it. I feel a confused now and want some opinions and comments, maybe I just want to let it out my chest. Thanks for reading and any comments/opinions is appreciated.
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broke up, condom, debt, her ex, long distance, money, the internet Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2010): I'm glad to read this. It's good to know that I'm not the only one with relationship issues that can relate. Dude, here's my answer to your question, Love is considered a beautiful thing so take her into consideration plus this what seems to be a fucked up situation and if you can still call her beautiful or even better, The most beautiful thing you have run into yet. Then maybe, it's love. You have to figure it out though. I know you expect me or someone to tell you whether you're in love or not but it can't work that way.
Good-luck to you. It's all up to you
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 October 2010):
 No no no ! Stand your ground . Stop using the "pull out method " which is not even a method but a recipe for disaster. You are not ready to be a father, -and a reluctant , conned-into-paternity father, is very likely to make a lousy father anyway.
She is not ready either to be a parent, she has very immeture, warped ideas about being a mother. Babies do not relieve stress, they add stress. And it's selfish and risky to make a baby to make yourself feel better and forget about being in debt .
She needs to sort her life out before, and put some order into it. I hope you can convince her to do that.
I don't know if you are really in love or just feel compassion for her, but if you take your time, and get to
know her better, and continue your relationship without the added pressures of a pregnancy, I am confident you'll find it out pretty soon. Just in the meantime, don't do anything rush , you surely would not be doing any favour to the baby who'd come to the world.
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