A
male
age
41-50,
*ickliam
writes:I have a friend who has been there for me more than anyone else in the world and she is in love with me but i'm not in love with her even though i care deeply. I cannot imagine losing her. She says she will take just my friendship but still acts like a girlfriend. I tell her she cannot control my sex life and she threatens to leave me. I beg her not to go, so she says ok , then dont see any woman. I dont know what to do, cause i saw a woman twice and we slept together and it was nice, but then i felt a huge guilt. My friend says i break her heart Do i pursue my sex life and lie to my friend. Do i keep my friend and have no relations ever. Do i just leave or ask her to leave cause she asks too much. If i do end this, how to cope with the loss. Oh and she asked me yesterday, cause i was telling her I can't make it without her : "Why do you choose her over me if it's true? Why are you here talking with me? Go see you girlfriend if she makes you feel so good. "
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (14 December 2012):
 This is a problem. She is a friend in your eyes and nothing more. She wants more. She figures she can bully you into being more. Let her leave. I know for a while you will miss her but you do yourself and her no favors in pretending that this is a healthy relationship.
You like her but that’s it. When you finally meet a woman that you like and feel passion about you will understand it better.
You leave her. You tell her, “ I cannot be anything more than a friend to you. I do not wish to be threatened with you leaving me and I do not wish to remain celibate for my adult life therefore I think it’s best for both of us to end this friendship.”
IT sucks. It will hurt you (you will miss her companionship) and it will devastate her since she’s probably of the belief that if she bullies you long enough you will give in and be with her. She will escalate her behavior.
You CAN make it without her and you must.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2012): You need to tone down the emotional intensity of this friendship. She isn't the only one crossing boundaries. Your emotional neediness for her is also crossing platonic boundaries. You're behaving more like a boyfriend by being so emotionally dependent on her so you're sending her mixed signals. This just alternately encourages and frustrates her
You need to not put your romantic life on hold for her. If that means she stops being your friend or gets all antagonistic to you then it wasn't all that healthy of a friendship to begin with. Her friendship was just a ploy to try to get your pants.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (14 December 2012):
 You say she's a friend but you act as if you owed her more than that. It's not nice to think that you break a friend's heart, but this is an inappropriate situation.
You say you don't want her as a woman; then treat her as a friend and date other women.
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