A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey!!...I have a tough question. There's this friend I know (just a friend) who I haven't spoken to for more than a month. And she has done a lot to help me over the years, but she is using guilt as a means to get her own way. She seriously thinks it's her business whether or not I start a family. She hasn't said this in those exact words but that's the feeling I'm getting.She, my mother, and my grandma, are all Catholic. And they think they know what's best for me.But the thing is...I don't ever want kids. EVER!So, my question is...Do I owe this friend anything? She has bought me expensive gifts and has been there for me during tough times. She even helped get me out of jail once.But do I really owe her this massive request she is asking for? She's not my girlfriend nor my wife and she keeps saying that I should start a family. If I said all this to her though, she would either get really defensive and yell at me, or she would admit it and try to make me feel guilty...like I owe her something.Well? Do I owe her anything?Thanks for your answers. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, natasia  +, writes (11 October 2010):
 Just trying to work this out, as it's a bit confusing.
No, of course you don't owe her anything, but it seems she is joining in with your family to make you feel guilty about not having kids, and because she's been so kind to you, you feel like you ought to oblige? Or, she is making you feel even worse about not doing what everyone wants you to.
The thing is, they know something you don't, and it is driving them up the wall trying to persuade you, so they are using all and any tactics in order to force you into something that they know 110% you will never regret.
But you don't like being forced, and you don't want kids (but to be fair to yr family and friend, you haven't had any kids yet, so you can't quite judge what you're missing - other people's kids are never the same as your own).
Anyhow, what can we say? No, you don't have to do anything. Should you do something just to please yr family? No. Should you listen to yr family, as ever, when they are trying to tell you something you don't understand? Probably yes. You didn't know why you shouldn't run in front of a car when you were 2 years old, and your parents sometimes probably had to physically restrain you, or shout at you. Parents constantly have to keep their kids in line - to keep them safe, and to give them the best chance of happiness in their lives.
Your mother & co. are thinking about you when you're 60 and all your friends are going to weddings and falling in love with their grandkids. They're thinking of the huge lesson in life you will miss if you don't have kids. They're thinking of the guarantee of unconditional love you won't have. They're thinking of you.
So, while I don't think you owe anyone anything, I do think you might take a leap of faith and trust that they are saying these things for a reason.
And sorry, because am sure you didn't want another lecture, but the issue here is understanding that people aren't making you feel guilty - they're making you question your own decision. And that is uncomfortable.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2010): Hi
You owe nothing and even if they did shower you with gifts you still owe nothing, they have not bought you. You owe honesty to yourself and others, true gifts are from the heart and do not measure a return.
Spunky Monkey
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks both of you for your answers, but I can't give out personal information about others that could identify them. Let's just say that this friend is not intersted in me sexually and she is older than me.
I do not believe she wants to have kids with me because she's already married.
Maybe I'm imagining this predicament. Who knows? The problem is that, for some, guilt is a powerful emotion. And this woman knows how to make people feel guilty.
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (10 October 2010):
well, you owe her kindness and friendship and being there if she ever needs you, but you certainly don't 'owe' her having kids. ?? what a bizarre idea. why should you? it is your life.
who is this friend? how old is she? who does she want you to have the kids with?
are you totally sure she doesn't want you to have them with her?
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (10 October 2010):
 If you dont want to have children then that is your choice and nobody elses so stand your ground and tell them all to stop interfering that you will live the life the way you want it, end of story. they are probably just trying to help you but it comes across as judgemental they probably feel its what you want deep down and you just dont no it so dont be to hard on them just be firm and tell them you dont want to settle down with children that you are 100% happy the way you are they should accept this. No you dont really owe this friend anything but if she is ever going through a hard time be there for her return the favor.
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