A
male
age
30-35,
*uku zim
writes:Im scared i wight walk down the same road again. please help.i lost my virginity at 17.8 years, thereafter i engaged in a more riskier than usuall lifestyle. one of my biggest problems was that i would not ejaculate with a condom on, so most times i removed half way into the act.i fast beacame reckless and slept with a lot of women, some who i eventually found out had a quite eventfull past than mine.. some had slept with as many men and coulid not recalll how many.i however fell deeply in love with a girl who changed me last year. things went well till she got pregnant. she refused to keep the baby.she also turned out to have so many issues from her past which just killed us.. she had been molested and abused as a child, and kept it to herself. i only found out after she started having fits, seizures and throwing tantrums and calling me john.i was hurt and angry, she refused to do antyhing about it as well. for me that killed, i was paying a prize each and every day for something i had'nt done. and her uncles who did that to her were happy, and she said she couldnt ruin their lives by confronting them.nway, after she and i ended i resumed my reckless lifestyle. however, one day as i was walking home, something hit me. i realised how much of my own father i had turned out to be. i set out to transform, this time not because of anyone, but for myself..i have since completed my transformation, the last step bieng my hiv test i took.i know iwas very lucky to test negative, especially after all i did and risked..nway, now im scared, because, i have met someone new, she has a past yes. but the thing is she brushes off getting tested every time i mention it, she clearly is uncomfortable. its just been two months, and we havent kissed or had sex, mainly becaues i avoid it, for reasons you do realise, i keep reminding myself of where i have been, and that i might not be so lucky this time. in any case, i have decided to use protection all the time, coz one can never know what the other get up to when you gone.but i still feel the need for testing, she says its too early for it,,but says our sex is due now..i feel like if i sleep with her, even with protection i'll be going back on the man i decided to be..i dont know what to do, i really like this girl, and other than effects on myslef, i dont want to fall into the same cycles again. i want a real relationship, outside the sexual realm. i have had a lot of sex now, and i know sometimes, it takes away a chance for you to get reallly close.i know i've posted so many questions but please help me by attempting almost all of them.
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condom, ejaculate, engaged, her past, hiv , lost my virginity Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (10 October 2010):
 I support what you're doing. I don't think you should abandon this issue as I agree with anonymous- she could have something, or be frightened that she has something. Talk to her. Tell her you'd really like to pursue a relationship with her and explain that you promised yourself to change your life and become a better man and asking her for this is part of that promise. Offer to go with her so both of you can be tested at the time. It could be that she's embarassed to go to a clinic etc. Going with her can lift some of that embarassment. But be firm, if she thinks it's due time for sex, it's due time for testing. If she trusts you enough for sex, she should allow you to trust in her by taking the test and therefore aiding you in your new choices. I should tell you though, not kissing her may offend her greatly. After all, HIV can't be transferred that way :p And have you shown her your papers...? I applaud your decision, stand strong!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2010): My honest answer is that there are a few possibilities. The most frightening one is that she knows she has something and doesn't want you to know so she doesn't want to get tested because then you will know.
Two is that she is just afraid of knowing the truth and some people in their brains feel like if they don't know, then it can't be true, which to me doesn't make any sense but many people are like that.
My advice is that you are doing the right thing, you should be firm with her though, tell her that this is important to you, and if she's not willing to get tested then she doesn't care enough for your well-being. And the idea that it is too soon is just silly, the right time to get tested is BEFORE you're having sex but when you're' ready to have sex. So now is the time to be tested.
I personally actually insist on SEEING the paperwork from the doctor showing the tests and results, because I've been lied to too many times before when women say oh yes I went, when they actually did not go.
If she cares about you, and cares about herself, then she would willingly get tested without provocation, and if she is not willing, then she is not on the same level as you are in terms of wanting to not live such a risky life, and that may only lead to you falling into old habits. Be smart, and be firm about what is important to you, if she truly cares, then she will do it, and if she doesn't, then she probably isn't worth dating.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (10 October 2010):
 Ok well am afraid you cant force your girlfriend to get tested for STI's but she should get tested for her own health, tell he that it is for her own good and that its better for her to know now than 5 years down the line if she has something, if she still refuses and you want to have sex with her then just use a condom and keep it on right until the end, but if you dont want to have sex with her tell her you are not ready.
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