A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm a mother of 2 children ages 12 and 17. My ex husband and I divorced about 10 years ago. He was never really present in my children's lives until a few years ago when he realized I found a boyfriend and was afraid my boyfriend will take his place. So, he started coming around and interacting more with the kids and occasionally taking them out. I've sacrificed most of my life for my two children, raised them by myself with no help from family members. They have a good life, they go to private school, participate in school activities, have tons of friend gatherings, and travel the world with me. Now, I've become tired... I'm tired because I don't have time to myself, I'm tired because my teenage daughter is going through a rebellious phase. Her choices leave me disappointed.I need to breathe... so I suggested to my ex that starting from June, he can come and live with the kids while I move out. I will continue to stay here this school year to drive them to and from school.. but once Summer starts, he needs to take over and be the father he is supposed to be. They are talking about me.. calling me crazy and I need counseling that I'm choosing to leave and let their father take over. They love their father now thinking he is Mr Superhero cuz Mom is crazy.Why is it that a man can leave his kids for years and they will accept that and still love him. When I've done nothing but sacrificed for years, and now I need a breather and they call me crazy and need counseling? Do i not deserve my life too?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2019): I don't buy the idea that you 'sacrificed' yourself to your kids.Okay, so you don't have family support, but we don't know why that is, and you somehow have enough income to send your kids to private school and you found time to have a serious relationship. You don't mention going to work, so we don't know if you have had to hold down a job at any time. Also, if you don't have family support then presumably you don't have to give any support to them in return, so you've had a pretty easy run of it by a lot of single mums' standards - travelling the world is not something many single mum's get to do, with or without their kids.Now that your kids are old enough to start having their own opinions, including of you, and in ways that differ from you, you seem very willing to play victim and bail out, because it's harder to get your own way and you don't like what you are hearing. I don't buy it at all. I know plenty of single mothers who are really, genuinely struggling, and live in awful conditions with no money, but don't think in terms of 'sacrifice' because they faced up to their responsibilities long ago and wouldn't dream of leaving their kids. II agree a lot of men get away scot-free, and that's wrong entirely, but using that fact to disguise your own selfish streak isn't right either. Offloading your kids onto a man who hasn't properly stepped up for them before now is you turning a blind eye to what he's really like, just because you can't put their needs before your own, but like to pretend to yourself and others that you have.Ask your kids' father for more help and take up study, or work to help you to get more of a sense of self. You don't have to push things to an extreme and ruin your kids' lives at this crucial developmental stage, just because you haven't been good at gathering support from others in the past. If you're trying to reclaim your youth because you feel you've missed out, or because you know your kids will soon be gone and you'll be left empty and alone then all that will happen is you'll never grow up properly and manage to enjoy being a grown woman and mother.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2019): Gee as a mother to an autistic lad of 26 and two girls 7 and 11 I have no clue what to say other than you need therapy .. Yes we all sometimes want to throw the towel in and have a breather but a breather like a weekend away .. not ooh here dad now n see you later . I can see why they feel your acting crazy as honestly my head is spinning
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2019): I know your post is meant for venting your frustrations. I don't pickup anything indicating you're divorcing your kids; or absconding on your motherly-duties. I don't think it would be fair for anyone to negatively-characterize you in that way. In simple terms, I feel you. I get it!
It is important however that you leave the children with the understanding that what you're doing is for the sake of your well-being; and not with any intent to abandon them. Assure them that you will see them frequently; and mean it.
You've endured a separation, a divorce; and survived the struggles of being a single-mom and provider. Everything was for your children; as it should be. You've worked hard, assumed the role of being both a father and a mother. You're doing the best any mother can do for her children; but how you do this, and how it is interpreted by your children, is very important.
A very good friend of mine was divorced many years ago; and his ex-wife did what you're doing. She raised his three kids to a certain age; and then as teenagers, they lived with their father. Two daughters and a son.
He was more than happy to take them in, and he is a wonderful father. A good man. The last to live with him was his son. The girls got their college degrees, got married and moved-out. His son got a hi-tech degree from a technical college; and he moved-out with his girlfriend just a year ago. They all turned out fine, and never resented their mother.
Here's why. She didn't abruptly make the decision out of frustration; it was a well-planned move that she discussed with the kids. However, they were not given a choice. Naturally they didn't want to; but I know them all, and they turned-out great. They would do anything for their father, and they cherish their mother. Now as adults, they understand. Not while they were younger. They thought she didn't want to deal with them as teens. Partially; but she also didn't want to completely sacrifice her life only to be left behind with nothing she had accomplished on her own. While everyone else adsorbed every ounce of her strength, youth, and energy. Their grandmother thought she was crazy too! Only she knew the method to her madness!
It might be presumed you're bailing-out on them; but children don't always understand the smaller details, or fully comprehend such decisions. As you recall, their father had little to do with them at first. You should leave them with the understanding that this is just as much for them, as it is for you. They need to get to know and bond with their father. They also need to appreciate you as their mother. Over-privileged and entitled children are spoiled. They are used to everything centered around them, and being all about them. Just make sure you don't traumatize the youngest; who really needs more time to grasp what this is all about. They could develop resentment you may never reverse. Mothers are nurturers. Closer than fathers.
I'm not going to suggest counseling. It's always the cookie-cutter advice. Which sometimes implies there are mental-health issues; which are not always the underlying-cause of someone's behavior. You're taking an unusual stand. As a woman, and as a mother; so naturally you will be judged by a harsher double-standard. Fathers get-away with it without a peep from anyone.
I think this is somewhat philosophical, bold, radical, kick-ass, and meant to give your entitled offspring a bit of a shock. You wouldn't be in such a state of mind; unless you were being pushed to the brink. I do caution you; and suggest that you calm-down. Take an extra-strength chill-pill! All evidence should support your decision as thoughtful and deliberate. Not some wild move; because you couldn't cut-it, or you've given-up! Worse case scenario, really your boyfriend's decision!
I don't think you're crazy. I think you've reached a point where enough is enough; and rightfully decided the help you need comes from their father. Not a counselor. Let him shoulder some of the pressure of parenting. He took a long vacation. Now it's his turn.
Make sure you leave the children feeling loved, not abandoned. If you are harboring bitterness; and you are leaving just to dump your rebellious-daughter on your ex-husband. Remember this. You reap what you sow.
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A
male
reader, BE125 +, writes (12 February 2019):
I’m not sure if you are talking about moving out permanently or just a temporary sabbatical? I take the time to reply because I struggled with this issue myself. I don’t have kids— for me it was caring for other family members who are incapable of managing their own lives and who frankly don’t deserve what I give them. But,I do believe vacations once a year and maybe a retreat for a week out of the year is a great idea, there does need to be some time for yourself to recharge. However, I don’t think you leaving is going to produce the results you expect, because I truly believe the medicine for depression, burnout, isolation, all that stuff, is to give. Find some way to make your life a gift to someone else. In this case, your kids is the perfect place to start. A recalibration of how you view your role as a parent. That philosophy of giving instead of taking and holding on to is extremely counterintuitive. All I can say is I am absolutely convinced giving is the answer, not necessarily just focusing exclusively on ourselves. I think that would make things worse for you instead of better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2019): I think you’re right, it’s not fair. I don’t think what you’re experiencing is crazy. You feel overwhelmed and exhausted. I feel like being a mother can be a thankless job at times, especially for single mothers which you’ve been for so long. Add a rebellious teenager to the mix and you’re at the end of the rope. I feel like there’s a history of overworked and overwhelmed women/mothers and people not taking them seriously. Sure not everyone feels and reacts the way you do, but it’s still fair to feel the way you feel. So what will you do? I don’t blame you for how you feel and you should not feel bad about how you feel. What you’re feeling is fair. But you can decide what you behavior and action will be. I do agree that to just leave and abandon everything is not the best choice. Your action to just leave WILL affect your children and may affect them for years into adulthood. You don’t want to be responsible for that. I think there must be a way for you to get the mental rest you need while still being a mother to the children who do need you. Of course the most practical solution is to see a therapist and if you can, involve your family (children and father included) so that they can understand what you’re going through and what you need. Also maybe work out a schedule so that you can get the time you need without throwing everything completely away. Either the father takes the children for a weekend or for a week? It’s crucial your children are part of figuring out the solution and understand what is going on so they don’t feel abandoned or think that they did anything wrong to cause this to happen to you. I hope you understand your children are innocent in this. But please rethink just leaving. I think you might regret it later. Don’t punish the children for the unfairness of life. But please take care of yourself as needed.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 February 2019):
 Once you have kids you kind of "sacrifice" having "your own life" at least... until they are out the door. Nothing new there. In some cultures (looking at you Italians lol) the BOYS stay with mom/parents until they marry, which can be their late 20's... In other cultures (India and some Muslim countries) your son stays with you and HIS wife (whenever he marry) stays with you to take care of you in your old days.
I get that you have worked hard and on your own, but I'm sorry... I don't think you can just DROP the ball as a mother and expect your ex-husband to take over. I think it's UNREALISTIC. I don't think what HE did was right either, so I'm not condoning his actions to leave and not be bothered with the kids for ages, but HOW on EARTH does that equate to that YOU should do what HE did now?
You need a breather from what? Exactly? To do what? Exactly?
YOU made those kids. THEY are YOUR responsibility until they reach majority (18). What your EX-husband did or didn't do is IRRELEVANT. If you at the divorced took FULL custody then the KIDDOS YOU made with him are YOUR responsibility.
You want to just drop them at your ex-husband's feel like some unwanted puppy and you wonder WHY they are thinking you are a little unhinged?
Kids are NOT puppies. They are for life.
What you CAN do is ASK HIM to take the kids ON weekends, every other weekends so YOU can do things JUST for you. Or you can ASK him to take his daughter for a while as you feel you can't handle her. Maybe she needs a firmer hand or a male role model (even if he was a shitty dad). It might do them both good.
But it's RIDICULOUS that you think you can just leave your house and expect the ex, who hasn't exactly been a great father to now take over.
IDEALLY BOTH parents who CHOOSE to put kids into the World should SHARE the responsibility of raising them, but LIFE isn't always IDEAL.
You HAVE a life. What you CHOOSE to do with it is PARTLY up to you, but you can't just cast of your kids or your responsibilities because YOU NOW want to be a single woman doing whatever the F you want. SORRY you GAVE that option up when you had kids. At least until they are OUT of the house.
If your EX do not want the kids every or every other weekend, HIRE a Au Pair or someone to take care of the kids every other weekend or whatever you can work out.
As for your daughter rebelling. Well, partly it's normal and partly there is a REASON. I have 3 teenager and none of them have rebelled. They are independent and sometimes little shits, but they know the rules and they stick to them.
And maybe counseling wouldn't hurt you. You seem rather frazzled.
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