A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm the kind of woman that stands for her own. I'm 29 years old, I'm a doctor with a nice monthly income, I own my own apartment and car, I'm intelligent and thankfully good looking.My question is why I can't attract an understanding man? I'm not the kind of woman who judge by the looks or the way a man dress, I just want someone stable and intelligent. I've datted different types of people along the years, even tried online websites. I've tried playing dumb and dressing in different ways to give the right impression too, but it doesn't work. I'm still a virgin, cause I'm Catholic and I really feel like waiting for the right man. This seem to be the problem, everything is perfect until I say no, or someone warns them about it. Those men I've meet are eager to get me into their beds and despite I'm clear in my life choices, they just try to trick me, force me or they just stop talking to me all together when they realise that I'm not bluffing. Do I need to change my believing because of it? I don't think so. But should I just stop trying? Should I just made my mind up and thank God for everything I have and forget about having a family in a future? Thanks and sorry for any mistake, English is not my first language.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (8 April 2015):
 You need to only date men who share your faith. In other words: a catholicman who practices his religion in the same way you do, making his life choices based on his beliefs. These men you can search for online on their own webpages, or you will find them in church and Bible classes
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2015): I feel for you. Although I'm not a Catholic but my Christian devotion is similar and I would have a hard time finding a right girl with your credentials! There is nothing wrong with your beliefs but it is the beliefs of others that are wrong. Persist! So yes, there are men out there and I think a good place to find one is through your parish priest. Talk to him. Priests get around and know other people, they are good judges of men, maybe he knows a respectable fellow who is looking for marriage and committnent who shares your values.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (7 April 2015):
 No, you do not need to change your moral and religious beliefs, and, if your beliefs could be so easily changed to facilitate your sexual and romantic life... well I suppose they could not be very deep .
But, you just need to realize and accept that every moral choice , or choice of faith ( religious, political ,etc. ) has consequences, and for you this means belonging to a militant, but very small , non- mainstream minority. Most people won't share and won't understand your choice , and, not surprisingly, will refuse to embrace it. Without for this having necessarily to be sex fiends or superficial or anything negative - they just do not see it like you, they see sexual relationships as a normal, healthy part of human relationships and will not want to deprive themselves because of you.
Said with the utmost respect and no criticism at all- it's just a matter of fact : obviously there are different ways of being Catholic and living as a Catholic , yours is a very militant and traditional one. I am Italian born, , I live in Italy ! yet in my- alas- long life have STILL to meet anybody in your age range who is willing and able to "save " themselves for marriage.
If these guys are tryng to force you or trick you into premarital sex , yes they are bad guys. If they lose interest and /or run for the hills once they know how you feel about certain thngs ... they are simply realizing that your lifestyle are not compatible and that you are not a suitable partner for them , and viceversa.
That's why I feel that your complaint is justified but also rather naive. Like a vegan complaining that it is so hard to find a good all-vegan restaurant,while there are instead thousands of places with a meat menu.
Maybe you'll be so lucky to meet someone who just falls in love with so madly who'll accept to wait until married. Who knows, everything may happen. But, to maximize your chances and enlarge a bit your pool of potential partners , I think, as Tisha says, that you need to be involved , through your parish or other Catholic organizations or Catholic dating sites , with like minded individuals. Otherwise it's like a Communist living in , say , Tennessee and complaining : I wonder why I can't find a nice Commie husband to read together Marx' s Capital every night.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2015): I knew a woman in a similar situation to you. She went to Oxford and was on a good income, very self sufficient and hard working. She never had a boyfriend. She lasted until she was around 38 and then could no longer stand being alone. She had an affair with a married man, who took her virginity and kept her secret from his wife for a few months before dumping her. She drove us all nuts after that because she basically went through the phase that most women go through in their late teens and early twenties - discovering boyfriends and sex. For her it was so very interesting and exciting, but extremely self-absorbed. For us it was incredibly boring listening to her childish stories. At the end of the day she is still just dating and has never really had a long term boyfriend. She had such strict rules early on that she left it a bit late to find a nice man - they'd all settled down already and she was left having affairs and so on or just having casual relationships. What we realised was that her high standards regarding sex were not just about sex - there was an almost pathological superiority underlying it, where she really felt she was better than anyone else.Really, she had a very difficult personality and would offend people a lot of the time, often using her so called "manners" to put people in their place, in ways that were actually just rude.The first time I met her she tried to use her education to put me in my place but it didn't work; she'd totally underestimated just how much I'd learned at my own college and my friend (who was her best friend) said she'd never seen anyone "take her on" in that way and come out winning.So, even when she started having sex, this sense of superiority remained in place and it made it harder for her to form any sort of meaningful relationship with anyone.She also lost a lot of friends, in the end, because she drove us all crazy with her self absorbed stories that we just didn't want to hear; she really had a very odd understanding of sex even after she'd had it - almost as if the other person didn't really exist as a person at all, because she'd spent so much of her life not even thinking about the normal needs of most human beings.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2015): I guess it depends what you mean by 'virgin'.If you mean you don't want ANY form of sexual inter-action with a man prior to marriage then you will be far better trying to find someone through church, who has the same beliefs as you. Otherwise, I think you are going to have an incredibly difficult time finding a man who will really respect you.I think, even if he DOES manage to respect your wishes until marriage, it may well not work out unless he has the same faith; the man will most likely see you as something to be "possessed" and/or as a challenge. Younger men probably won't be able to live up to your strict rules. And older men may well be able to, but there may be issues to do with wanting to control you. It would be far better to stay within your own faith because, effectively, you are asking someone to convert to your religion (without a formal ritual) OR to simply obey your rules, not theirs.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (7 April 2015):
 And no, you don't need to stop believing. I think you have been looking in the wrong dating pool, that is what you need to change.
Ask for help in this from your friends and family. Tell them you are ready to be with a man with your same goals of waiting for the right person. Put them to work for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2015): Often, we sabotage things before they even get started. Speaking from personal experience, I know I'm a great catch.
When my partner passed away, it was a year before I could even bring myself to start dating. I too have a great job, I workout, and keep myself athletically fit. I have loads of friends. The irony is, a couple of my best friends are guys I rejected to start with. Go figure?!! Oh, they just love telling me about my old-self. It humbles me. I'm a work in progress. I learn from the aunts and uncles, and readers like yourself.
I froze-up on dates when guys tried to get close to me. I felt guilty for being attracted to other people after being in a long-term relationship. I kept everything on the surface, and ran scared when someone showed me real affection. I dithered and squirmed with nervousness.
I think you're afraid of abandoning your beliefs. I think you place too much emphasis on your values, and feel men are always out to get something. It's often true, but you can't always come across to us that you feel that way. You insult guys who genuinely like you, but you may treat men all the same. There aren't many who just want to date you and not get sex at some point. Sex is a part of dating.
You were taught to look for a husband. They don't grow on trees. They happen into your life, after a long period of searching, weeding out bad apples, and going through some heart-breaking experiences. Through a process called dating and courtship. That process builds character, hones your survival skills, and preps you for the best match for you. It also teaches you what you're made of. More importantly; you have to know what it is you're looking for from a man.
You've never had sex!
I know exactly how you feel. If someone tried to be affectionate, I used to into my little speech about all my personal-beliefs, my morals, and all the details of an ideal relationship. Blah, blah, blah!!!
We're only been dating for crying out loud!!! He doesn't want to hear all this. I'm a guy, I should know that!!!
It kills the mood, they threw up their hands in frustration and gave-up on me. I was just not sure how to be intimate after being celibate a year after my partner died. I needed to be close, but I was out of practice being intimate with unfamiliar men. As you may gather by now, I'm a gay man.
Don't judge me, I won't judge you.
You've worked hard at building your career and self-esteem; while maintaining your good virtue. The fact you laid-out all your best attributes means you are quite self-aware, and have a healthy amount of confidence. It's both a good thing, and it's also getting in your way. You're too self-aware, and you don't know how to read the intentions of other people. Protecting yourself is creating a force-field around you. I did exactly the same thing. Am I looking at a mirror of me some years ago? I was also raised Catholic! I know what kind of upbringing that is.
No one can get through to you; because you're trying too hard to prove you're a good "Catholic girl," and you're not out to be played. Okay, they get it already! You're a virgin, but you're still human and a woman. If you make that point known too soon, it becomes some guy's mission to take it from you. Keep it mum for a few dates. If he's patient and the right guy, he'll wait. Otherwise, he'll save you the trouble by self-elimination. That's a good thing. You're just getting frustrated. Be realistic.
Girlfriend, it ain't raining men! They come and go. There is sometimes a drought. You're experiencing your drought period, thus all this pessimism.
They just want to have some fun and appreciate you. Yes, and they want to get into your panties. You have the first and last word on that. You just don't always have to lay it out for them in so many words that it isn't going to happen.
Like janniepeg says, "lighten up and date for the sake of it." Creating caricatures of yourself for men was quite condescending and transparent. It was obvious that it wasn't the real you. You therefore sabotaged any prospects.
You are by no means compromising your beliefs, or placing your virtue at risk; by being at ease in the presence of a man. I can imagine your discomfort; because you don't know what to do or say next. You're terrified they only want to go for sex, but you want him to instantly like you. It just doesn't work so predictably. You over-think things. It's so hard writing to you, because I feel like I'm talking to myself. I came to the same conclusion as you did. I thought no one understood my feelings, or why I am like I am. I thought no one nice would ever find me. I was looking.
I was thinking too much. That was the problem!
Try just being yourself. Shake it off and relax. Stop trying too hard, and being so hard on yourself. Don't let proving you're "a good Catholic girl" make you stiff and difficult to get close to.
When I let my guard down; that's when my dates became fun, comfortable, and hot. They may have been few and far between, that's when I fell back on my good friends to fill the void. I traveled, enjoyed my hobbies, volunteered my time to help others. I met nice people along the way.
A couple of years ago. I met a great guy. He had lots of money. We partied and went on vacations. He dumped me. Not before awakening my dormant-heart. Helping me to relax with myself. It was his gift to me. He broke my heart; but it was great while it lasted. I met someone else a little over a year later. I blush just thinking about him. He gets me. He's one of the nicest, most handsome, greatest fellows you'd ever want to meet. Had he met me three or four years ago. I would have been a tough nut to crack. Too busy fighting people off, when all they wanted was to know who I am. Yeah, they wanted sex too. It doesn't have to frighten you, and it doesn't have to happen unless you want it too.
It's just harder to find men in the 21st century who plan to date you long-term, and not have sex unless he marries you. That's a challenge. It can happen, but dates will be very sparse. So you make the most of what you get. You stay positive, and if sex is all he has on his mind. You let him know you want something more meaningful, and continue your search. Don't cast your pearls before swine. Just don't get discouraged; and feel because men aren't lined-up outside your door, you won't find one. Anything precious and valuable is rare and hard to obtain. So enjoy dating when you can and don't over-think it. Hold-on to your virginity as long as you like. Just hold on to your dreams, pray, and God will bless you in His time.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 April 2015):
If your core value is that you want to wait, that you won't be sexually active until you are about to married in the Catholic church, and to the right man, then you need to spend more time in the church and ask your priest and his colleagues for help in this. I'm sure they will know some single men and would be happy to introduce you!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2015): Try Christian dating websites. Or virgin dating websites. Or meeting people at religious events.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (7 April 2015):
 Italy's fertility rate is like what? 1.4 per couple? And you wonder why it's so hard to find a man for marriage and kids? People no longer get into relationships to create families. They hope to fall in love, and if everything is still in place after a few years, then maybe they will consider having children.
If you are a devout Catholic, then no one can tell you to abandon your religion, lighten up and just date people for the sake of it. Although I believe being Catholic is a disadvantage to you with the shifts in thinking in modern dating. Waiting for marriage would work for people who just graduated college and want to get married because they are impatient for sex. But for a 29 year old, it's hard to find men who think like you because most of them had lived and experienced already.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (6 April 2015):
 No mistakes noted. You site the situation quite acurately and susinctly. It is a common lament of successful men too. Finding the "right" mate is more dificult than the on-line dating sites proclaim. Soul mates are a mirical when they do come together. Thankfully mine came along a while back when things were less complicated. We met at school and knew at once it was a forgone conclusion. 50 years later and we still just wonder at the ease of it all at the time compaired to the present day complicated situations folks get themselves caught up in. I wish you well and hope you have good fortune in the near future. Good Luck and best wishes.
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