A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I’ve written in before and now I have a really awkward situation that doesn’t have too much to do with my parents. Part of their rules about me going to school here is that I am not to work. They give me $20 a week for hygiene items or if I need to pitch in for a pizza, do laundry, or if there are other expenses when I am out with Orchestra or with one of the families I stay with on weekends. I try to save that, but it’s next to impossible. So I have started tutoring people in music classes and giving lessons. There is a girl who also plays the harp, but she has only been playing for four years and she needs help. Also, there are two students who play the piano and just want to keep up their skills or to get better at it. Unfortunately, we’re playing on a keyboard but I still enjoy giving lessons. I’m doing this to be kind but I really need the money because I want to save up enough for a security deposit for an apartment. There’s no way I can move out of the dorms unless I have money and it’s all I can think of. Besides, I’m majoring in both Music Performance and Music Ed so I need the practice in teaching anyway. If my parents find out, hopefully they won’t get too upset about it. I’m staying on campus for now.One of the piano students is a young man named M who is really an Engineering major, but he saw my advertisement on the message board and he wants to learn. He has never played the piano before but he said he’s always been interested and he seems to have a good ear. He’s also an eager student and a quick learner. He’s from Nigeria, though, and some people have told me to watch out because of how they treat women. He IS a Christian and he has been all his life. He reads a different version of the bible that I do, but he is familiar with scripture and he’s let me listen to some of the Christian music from his country, in his dialect. He seems sincere and he’s part of one of the Christian groups on campus. I was not allowed to listen to Christian rock growing up and I can understand why. This isn’t really rock music but I wouldn’t call it hymns either. It’s neat to listen to. But here’s what makes me worry: he’s male and I’m really not supposed to be alone with him and I worry about if anything is going to happen. He’s been nothing but polite and respectful and we have talked some and had some really good conversations (mostly about the Bible but a little about a little about our lives. I’m worried that my parents will find out and get really upset and think that I’m flirting with him or something. Sometimes M likes to make jokes and tell me personal things (nothing sensual) and I’m not sure if he’s interested in me or just in the music lessons. He’s called me a friend and invited me to have lunch with him since he knows I can’t leave campus. He’s talked about meeting my parents or one of the families that help me out one day and I don’t know what to say! I said I wasn’t sure if I’d get in trouble for talking to him so much but I really don’t want to explain a lot about all the things I’m not allowed to do because I’m embarrassed. I can’t say, “I’m probably not allowed to be doing this for you and they’d be really upset if they knew how much time we spent alone together” I don’t want him to thin I’m a baby, but I also don’t want him to think I’m interested.He’s a good person, at least he seems like it, he’s smart he’s funny, he’s a good student and he doesn’t seem to be overly friendly. He hasn’t touched me at all or made inappropriate comments at all. The only strange thing he’s said is, “When I get married and have children some day, I want you to be their teacher.” But he has also said, “Your hair is such a beautiful color, I like your freckles” and things like that. I know strawberry blonde hair isn’t seen over where he’s from but I can’t tell if he’s flirting with me or not or what to say. Should I say something to head him off or should I just take the invitation to go to lunch with him as friends? I would like to be his friend but I don’t want it go to any further than that. Also, he’s 21 so he’s quite older than most incoming students. What do I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2018): If you're uncomfortable being alone with a man, why not ask one of your female friends sit in on the lesson? I'm sure she can put in headphones and read a text book for an hour. And just tell him you don't want to fratranize with students. He sounds like a nice person
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2018): I don't think you're racist, I think the person who told you to watch out for Nigerians made a racist comment. If he were from India (or Italy or Ireland) would they have made the same comment? Maybe, maybe not. ASK that person if they know anything about Nigerian people that makes them say that. Surely your church sends missionaries all over the world! He honesty sounds like a nice guy.
Now. Pretend he's from Michigan (or Maine, Mississippi, Montana). Would you have the same concern? If so, your real question is, "is this man interested in more than music lessons and if so, how do I make it clear that that is all I want from him?"
In that case, you say, "Michael. I appreciate the invitation, but I want to keep this business-only" I honestly think he'll understand. If you're worried about being alone with males, where are you practicing? In the dorm? A practice room? Just talk to one of your professors about a safe, more public place to practice and you won't have to worry.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (25 February 2018):
 If you can't tell your parents you are doing a bit of "work" to earn some extra money, how are you going to tell them you are moving into an apartment? Or are you going to keep that secret from them too? Surely you can pass it off as needing the teaching experience? At least that is one less secret you need to keep from them.
I have no idea what you mean when you say people warned you about how Nigerians treat women. We knew a number of Nigerians when I was studying and found then all to be lovely gentle people who treated everyone with respect. If this man is also a practising Christian, then his religion will also require him to treat EVERYONE well, regardless of their gender.
Your "worry" that your parents will disapprove is probably well founded (and you obviously know your parents, whereas we don't), yet you still choose to spend time along with this man. It appears you not only spend time together when you are teaching him, but also chatting socially. You are obviously not worried enough about your parents' reaction to stop doing what you know they will disapprove of.
If this man is talking about meeting your parents and your friends, then I would suspect he probably IS interested in pursuing more than just a friendship. Luckily (for you) he is being a true gentleman.
You need to have a conversation with him and ask him WHY he feels the need to meet your parents. If it is (as I suspect) that he wants to pursue a relationship with you, then you need to put him straight and probably cut ties with him.
You also need to decide what is more important to you: upsetting your parents or seeing this man in private. Could you not socialise with him in public so that there is no question mark over what you get up to?
He sounds like a lovely guy but, if he is looking for a relationship with you and you are sure this is NOT what you want, then you need to make him aware of this, for your own sake and for his.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2018): Decline the the lunch invitation. You're too young and maybe you're not ready for all this. He's a nice-guy, he'll understand. You don't have to hangout with your "students."
If you decide to continue giving him lessons; keep a "teacher to student" distance, just like your professors.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2018): [EDIT]:
"You heard a racist-stereotype about men from Nigeria and you were quick to believe them; but you've seen nothing about him except he is polite and a nice-person."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2018): You are developing the paranoia and attitude of a racist. You are very young, and innocent. So you don't know any better. So let me educate you!
You heard a racist-stereotype about men from Nigeria and you were quick to believe them; but you've seen nothing about him accept he is polite and a nice-person.
The generalizing and racist comments your friends made is appalling. As a young female, you have to watch-out for yourself being alone with ALL guys! With no particular exception regarding race!
If you're going to make a federal-case out of all this; please just end the lessons and move on. He doesn't deserve to be mistreated or insulted for being Nigerian, or black!
If your parents are racists against people of color; then don't tell them he's black. All he has called you is a friend and paid you a compliment. That's all it was.
If your parents are Christian people, racism is very very UN-Christian. If they think you're not ready for dating, that's different. Only you're not dating, he is a foreign-exchange student from Nigeria who is interested in music, he is a Christian, and an engineering major!
If that would all be cancelled and ignored; because of his race, please do not introduce that lovely young man to your parents! You know them, and what they wouldn't accept.
He said he liked your freckles and the color of your hair. He didn't ask you for a date. I know you're inexperienced; so it's excusable.
If you think giving him lessons is going to cause trouble, be considerate and respectful of his feelings; and just tell him your parents wouldn't be comfortable with you being alone with a guy his age. That might be true.
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