A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone,Recently I got out of a long term relationship. It's been about 2 months and now recently got hired to a new job 16 hours away from home. So, with the break up going down, I figured I would give myself time to heal and a lot of people have told me to put myself out there to help with the healing, I suppose.I used to have a crush on a girl 6 years ago and she left a lasting impression on me and I always wondered "what if" with her. Idk what it is about her but I want to get to know her. The thing is, I think she's out of my league and with me starting my new job, being long distance, I figured it would make it even more complicated.The new job project is a 1 - 1 1/2yrs.The reason I say she's out of my league is because she's so beautiful, she's fit, and she has a lot of guys following her on social media. Ive only had 1 serious relationship in my life and have been out of the dating game for a while. I managed to get her number and we had small talk, trying to catch up and I wanted to see her before I left to my new job site but I phrased it to her by saying we should catch up. Unfortunately I didn't get a response. I'm not looking to date right away and I don't think she is either because I think she got out of a relationship too, so it's understandable if she has her guard up and she's healing too. Right now I'm just trying to create a sense of friendship before anything possibly happens. However, I think with me asking if we could go out and catch up, I've might have scared her away. It's been about 2 days since I asked if we could catch up.Dang. What do you guys think?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2018): I think you should reach out again, and be more specific about the when and where for your meeting.
Just saying "I want to catch up" is very general and something that might be said in passing or to make small talk. She may not know you are being serious and not just saying that to be nice.
Ask her out to a specific place on a specific day/time and see how she responds. If she is truly a decent person you will get a yes or no answer and be able to go from there.
Best of luck!
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (27 February 2018):
 I am not sure if it is friends or family offering you the advice to get out there, but they couldn't be any more wrong! It is a really bad idea rushing in to dating after a break up. Things are still raw and well you will still be getting over it on top of starting a new job. A few major changes in your life so it is best to stay focused on yourself and your own happiness for now.
If you have both just got out of a relationship then I can understand her not taking you up on your offer to hang out.
It has been two days with no reply, I would take that as she is not interested. But remember you done nothing wrong, all you asked was to catch up, of course it would have made more sense for her to reply instead of leaving you hanging but my guess is she just doesn't want to deal with it at the moment.
Go start your new job, make new friends and enjoy the new experience. Give yourself a chance to heal and the right woman will come along.
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A
female
reader, malvern  +, writes (26 February 2018):
 If she hasn't responded to your invitation to catch up then I wouldn't pursue it any further. However, there's no harm in keeping in occasional contact because who knows what the future holds. Please don't ever think that somebody is 'out of your league'. Let that person decide for herself because you never know what they want in their life. She may have a lot of guys following her but that doesn't mean to say that they're her type.
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A
female
reader, ciaocupid  +, writes (25 February 2018):
i believe there is a misconception about people"getting themselves out there".When ure told to get urself out there after a break up its for u to take a good look at ur self,ur inner self n try to fix ur emotions not use people to regenerate urself.
u knw when u touch d skin of a snail n it runs back in its shell, thats what uve just done to her.U should take things easier.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2018): It's too soon and you're going through a "needy-phase" right now. After a breakup comes emotional-withdrawal like coming-off a narcotic drug. You need a fix, and start searching for something that makes you feel better. Your friends gave you bad advice about getting out there to find someone to make yourself feel better. That's using people!
You'll just get out there and search for love on the rebound. Using women for sex or an emotional band-aid.
Just take some time and sort-out your feelings. Pulling people out of thin-air and rushing your feelings onto them usually ends in disaster. She just ended a relationship, and that's certainly a train-wreck about to happen.
You may have scared her away; maybe because she isn't searching for a relationship for healing-purposes. You have no right to use her feelings or vulnerabilities as a painkiller. Even if she did accept to go on a date. Then it should only be for fun and companionship; but keep sex or romance out of it. When you come-around and those rebound feelings subside, then the question is: Who gets hurt?
We get posts from people looking back on people they knew from years ago, infatuations, or their unrequited-loves. In a forlorn state of mind, forming mental-visualizations and fantasies about picking-up where they left-off; or trying something they should have done years ago. Forgetting about how much both have changed in that gap in time.
Six years ago you were just a teenager. Your feelings weren't real!
The problem about these old crushes is; these fantasies go better in theory than in reality. You place those people on the spot, or you make them feel unsettled; because your purpose is to unload your pain and loneliness. They'll be polite, but their discomfort is definitely there! You'll sense it; but try to ignore it for your own selfish reasons.
My advice is not to pursue romance with a person who is recently ending a relationship; especially when you yourself have just ended one. Your wounds are still fresh, in both cases. Generally; women tend to be quite emotionally-vulnerable after breakups, more-so than men. You might find yourself trying to manipulate her by those feelings.
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