A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I don't know what to do with this guy. I met someone 3 months ago. Really cute fun guy, But... The only thing I keep having problems with is how he has sex. He is a bit on a rough side. In addition he has large penis,which doesn't help the situation. Even the way he kisses is rough. His tonque is too hard, and he puts it too deep into my mouth. I told him from the very beginning after couple times that I don't like it rough. When I remind him it becomes wonderfull, he's gentle and I love every moment of it. But then he kind of "forgets" especially at the end and the last moments sometimes make me bleed. He is very inventive, and does all kind of tricks in bed which I like. He is doing his part in pleasing me. Ussualy it doesn't take me long to orgasm from oral but the way he does it I can't. He moves his tongue very fast and again it's hard, not gentle. The other night we watched a movie where a guy says that he learned from the very beginning how to make love to a woman: it's like touching a rosé petal . As soon as he said it we looked at each other, he smiled and said, you are actually the only girl who I met that doesn't care much about my style, but I am getting better right? I don't think he is getting better, honestly, I keep on stopping him when it gets too much all the time. I am not a small girl. I am of average size. He is of course taller, but it's not that I am this petite little thing that any guy would be to big for. Also he is very fast, I keep telling him, go slow, I can't feel anything if you are that fast, and it makes me tired fast. He is like a 2 different people in one. Personality wise he is very soft spoken, he never complains or criticizes anyone or anything. He talks kindly of other people. He really likes to be around kids. He always brings my attention to babies who we see on the streets. He doesn't like arguments or conflicts, likes to be out on a nature rather than going to clubs, hardly drinks alcohol , doesn't smoke or any other bad habit. He is very good looking, but acts like he doesn't realize it, very modest and when we are together only centers around me. I notice girls look at him all the time. Even if he notices he doesn't act like it. He always calls me and tells me the next day what a wonderfull time he had, and he wants to see me very soon. He always gets wine for me when I come over. Once I didn't like the wine, and he immediately went to the store to exchange it for me, though I tried stop him. He is by far is better behaved that any other guy I met. But... His manner of having sex makes it hard for me to fall in love with him. I don't know even if it makes sense, but I kind of starting dreading a bit our "sessions". So tomorrow we desided to stay in, we both had long week with work, and he said he just wants to spend time with me alone. I now what it means. It means: bed. I feel like having a serious conversation with him. I don't know if it's even possible for him to change, if this is how he is. But I really don't want to bleed anymore and after one hour sex not being able to orgasm. Any advices on how to tell him gently but firmy, and also I don't want to turn him away from me, because I really like him.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 May 2014):
 Oh, what YouWish said about masturbation is true. If he's masturbating too much on his own, and grips his penis too hard with his hand, he will be desensitized. He can change this by stopping masturbation, that way he will become more sensitive and wont need to be so rough to feel it.
My friend has a boyfriend who is also very rough in bed, he needs to go very hard and fast in order to reach orgasm, and it's because of excessive masturbation. One time he even hurt himself during masturbation because he was too rough on himself, and they couldn't have sex for over a week...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2014): I think sex therapy could help him. Don't have sex with him again until he agrees to change- tell him everything.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2014): Maybe you don't have sexual chemistry between you.
Sexual chemistry is very important and it sounds like you don't have it together.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2014): Thank you all for advices. No, just friends is not going to happen. Not with him. Time to have a talk with him today, and I will tell him that if this area doesn't change I will have to leave.
I also want to tell him know that I don't orgazm with him. I don't think he realizes.
And the reason for it is his roughness. And he also moves very fast, like he is in a rush, but it lasts forever.
I know there are plenty of men out there, but it's still hard to find the one that will be for you.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 May 2014):
 If he's a great guy, but he gets out of hand in the heat of it, and you've told him before to be gentle, then my suggestion is that the next time he makes you bleed, go to your doctor and have him examine you and write up a doctor's report of the tearing and trauma to your parts.
Sometimes when simply a "please be gentle" doesn't work, a doctor's assessment of the damage he's causing hits home in ways that mere words can't. Tell him that if sex felt to him like sandpaper, he'd want you to be gentle right quick.
Sometimes guys are rough like that because they've been desensitized by their hands. Masturbation tends to give much more friction than intercourse.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (10 May 2014):
This man is selfish in bed, and you need to tell it to his face.
"No, sweetie, you're not getting better".
To be honest, I don't think it'll ever get better... Sorry to bring you down, but if a guy is selfish in bed he's selfish in bed, and you can't teach him to be more considerate if he just isn't. He KNOWS you like it gentle. The "forgetting" part is just him not caring enough to bother with it. And what's worse, because you don't say anything, he thinks you're getting used to it and LIKE IT that way. That's probably how he did it with all his exes, they all complained, with no result, and in the end they just stopped complaining and he went on to think he taught you to like the way he does it...
You need to be vocal about this. How can you have a future with a man if you dread the sex. There's no future there. He needs an eye opener.
But like I said, I don't think he'll change. I had an ex who I told what I like, I told him over and over and over. But he NEVER did it unless I specifically asked him to at that very moment. Just like with your guy. I don't know why he never did it, he wasn't deaf! He knew! But he still never did it the way I like it, and I wasn't asking for anything crazy at all. I just wanted him to scratch my back because I love that during sex. Just that one thing, that's all I asked from him...! To think, I was with him a year and a half and he never did it.
At least with my ex the problem was he was too vanilla and never did anything that turned me on. In your case it's worse, because the guy is hurting you! He's making you bleed! Jeezes, he's selfish in bed if he doesn't understand this very simple thing that even idiots would know: if you're bleeding it isn't done right!!!
You need to lash out at him and make sure he gets it, or you need to dump him. He can be as great as he wants, but if the sex is horrible then what kind of future do you have? If he's so great outside of the bedroom then keep him as a friend.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (10 May 2014):
 You do need to have a serious conversation with him, though it might be a bit tricky if he avoids conflict, so make sure you're both calm and comfortable so he really listens. Tell him, he makes you bleed. That should say it all, really, because it's not at all normal to tear flesh when making love. If that's not enough, tell him you're starting to dread making love because when he gets over excited and forgets to be gentle, it is too much for you.
I would also suggest you try positions where you are in control of the depth and speed (usually you on top). Same with oral; try 69 with you on top so you can back away when he gets too rough. He should get the message.
If he can only climax through rough stimulation because he has a less sensitive penis, let him remove himself and get himself off with his hand. Not as nice as the alternative, but better than you bleeding.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (10 May 2014):
 If he is hurting you or making you bleed you NEED to stop this continuing. He may be a loving, considerate man in every other aspect of you relationship, but if he is inconsiderate and hurtful in bed then its a big problem. Some men, and women for that matter, can be very different sexually to there "public" persona. Sometimes shy, timid people can be animals in bed. Like wise cocky, arrogant men can be very lame sexually. I had a female friend who was overweight, lacked confidence and felt men who had slept with her did so out of pity. She once old me she fantasied about being raped. Obviously she didn't want to be raped, but wanted to feel like a man couldn't resist her and couldn't possibly stop as she was so irresistible. Some people like to sleep with older women because of issues stemming from there own mothers behaviour towards them as a child. As to why this man is rough and hard with you is not something we can answer. Maybe he like it that way? Perhaps he is used to porn where sex is more about pounding someone and making them scream than real life "love making" should be. If he is still rough and fast when pleasing you orally, etc then that suggest the problem is more than simply having a less sensitive penis or enjoying rough penetration.Do you need to tell him? YES!!!! Don't just lie there bleeding, hurt and scared and put u with it. Regardless of how he is with you the rest of the time, he needs to address this issue. You need to discuss it, preferably when not actually having sex. Sitting down in a quiet moment with him and bringing it up is best IMO. He is more likely to take it seriously then. He needs to respect your body, your wishes and the fact he is making you fear sex. If he cant respect your body and follow your wishes then you need to move on. You ask how you can tell him Gently. You have already tried that and his behaviour ever hasn't changed or only changed briefly. You need to stop being so timid and make it clear his behaviour is unacceptable. You are not a hole, a rag doll or a receptacle for his semen. You are a person with feelings and emotions.
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