A
female
age
51-59,
*iredofthis
writes:It's so easy to say dont answer his calls or respond to his texts. I really love him and I want it to work but i know that he has to change.Someone said that he needs sex and that is why he is trying to talk to me again but i am pretty sure he was getting sex from someone I will try because like i said i dont want to get hurt again sometimes i want answers and to ask him why is calling me, but i want him to suffer like i have and still are.I dont want him to feel that he can break up and then get back with me and want me back when he wants to.I am just really confuse its been 3.5 years and i am not going to act like i dont love him when i do. its just so hard to forget about i am not dating cause i know that i am not ready for that yet and i am not over him and i dont want to hurt anyone so that is why i want to be single until i feel that i am ready.Right now i am not ready because i am not over him but i will not answer his calls or texts i know that he is hurting but he has hurt me so i want him to feel the way i feel and that is hurt and broken.I have to admit it hurts me when he calls and text me because he always says please say something damn baby say hi or something and it hurts me but i still ignore him
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 February 2014):
 OP thank you for the follow up…
HOW do you expect him to learn that you can’t play with someone’s emotions? What do you think he will learn from you being in touch with him? He won’t learn anything. Sociopaths and Narcissists do not learn things the way we want them to. NOTHING you say or do will hurt him or teach him and you worrying about it just hurts YOU!
IF you KNOW you will not go back to him why don’t you block his number?
A
female
reader, tiredofthis +, writes (27 February 2014):
tiredofthis is verified as being by the original poster of the question I dont think i am wrong for wanting him to feel the pain of being hurt he has put me through a lot and yes i want him to see that you cant play with someone emotions cause u know they love you so that is what i meant when i said that i want him to hurt that is not saying that i dont love him cause i do and he know i do i will not go back to him cause i know it will not work i think about this daily and i keep coming to the same answer and that is not to take him back now he is sending food for thought quotes so this is not about ego cause i dont play games like that it just a part of me that wants to take him back then the other part is hell no but i appreciate all the advice that i am getting from every one it really helps me so just keep being there for me cause its hard cause i do love him but i know i have to do what best and that is not to get played again
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 February 2014):
You are right, it is easy for us who are not currently in pain to say “don’t call or respond to his texts” ; but we say it because we have been there done that and know from the past how painful it is… and the longer you drag it out the harder it is.
So what you do so you don’t have the URGE to call or respond is to delete and BLOCK the number. If you have him blocked then you won’t know he’s calling or texting.
You say “I really love him and I want this to work but I know he has to change” IF HE HAS TO CHANGE then you are NOT in love with him. You are IN LOVE with who you WANT HIM TO BE.
And as Cindy so WISELY pointed out, if you really loved him, your goal would be for him to be HAPPY, NOT to want him to feel hurt and broken. You would NOT want him to suffer.
You want ANSWERS… and you think that HE will give them to you. He won’t. NOTHING he says will satisfy your need to know why he is the way he is… it will just drag out your pain.
KEEP ignoring him and he will stop. And then you can begin to heal. The problem is, until he stops you will keep hoping.. and one day he may say the right thing to get you to respond and then you are right back to square one.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2014): Given that you apparently don't want to listen to the excellent unanimous advice you received from several people yesterday . . .
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-is-the-ex-back-in-touch-is.html
. . . I can only offer the alternative suggestion that you continue living in denial and waste your life making excuses while wishing for the impossible to come true.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2014): Unfortunately, I only got to know this from experience... but there are people out there who thrive on 'the chase' and the drama of it all. For them, the real fun is when they are wooing you and winning you over.
His self esteem is at stake here. If you never respond to him, he's lost the game and he'll start to doubt that he's all that. He can't let that happen so he won't stop pursuing you until you pick up or call him back. Then when you're hooked again, he'll dump you again.
I don't know your ex. But I'm saying don't be naive enough to think the only reason he picks up the phone is just to say hi.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 February 2014):
 he said that he did not want a relationship
He knows that he does not want me
I am afraid that he will hurt me again
he is very insecure and jealous
he blames me for everything
we broke up cause he said that he does not trust me
he was the one always accusing me of doing wrong when it was him
Gosh, he sounds like a real charmer. What a lovely and sweet and kind man. Obviously, I'm being sarcastic.
You love the fantasy you created of him, you don't actually love him.
http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html
You will be hurt if you try to continue this relationship.
Look, you were with him for a number of years, it's going to take some time to get over him. Allow yourself the mourning, take care of yourself and get some help if you are struggling this much. A talk to your doctor for a referral to a counselor would be a healthy way of coping with this.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 February 2014):
 Pardon me, but, as Tina would say, what's love got to do with it ?
If he goes in and out of your life, according to his selfish whims, and knowing ,( or imagining , it does not take a fortune teller ) how this affects you negatively, - then he does not love you.
And if you want him to feel hurt and broken, you don't love him. If he were , say, your only child, or your best friend ever- you would not want to see him hurt and broken. No matter if he has done something wrong to you. You'd be upset, you'd be annoyed, you'd be shocked, - but you would not want him to HURT. What love is it a love that wants to hurt his object.
I suspect this is about ego, on both sides. You say it can't be about sex , because he gets his sexual needs fulfilled elsewhere. Well, beside the fact that he may wish to fulfill his sexual needs with DIFFERENT partners, ( otherwise nobody would ever want to cheat ), it's not about the specific sexual acts , which can be performed with another female body or substitued by masturbation, is KNOWING that he can have what he wants when he wants, and that you are still at his disposal , under his sphere of sexual influence IF if should feel so inclined. Big ego trip. People does not like to do without what they consider theirs. A man may leave his car to sit idly in the garage, and use a bycicle instead- but , steal him that car and he will fly , not walk, to report the theft.
If you don't want him to feel that he can't just break up and came back when he wants, you have to SHOW him, with your actions. And if you want to move on, you have to DO it, not just say it.
So, if you decide that at the time you are not available for yet another " try ", because, seen his track record, the risk of being used and hurt again is too high, - I think you have no other choice than carry on with your current course of action.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2014): Then go ahead and take the call and establish what he is really after. Sounds like you want to and by fighting it you are just hurting more. Maybe you need to hear him out and then decide to bring closure or try again. I don't agree that the only time they want you is for sex. My ex used to contact me and we got together, he made the mistake of letting me go but his life is too complicated and he cannot commit to me and rest assured he was not after sex he knows where I stand.So if you remotely suspect that's what he wants, then meet and make it clear that you are not offering anything - and stay true to it until he proves there is more he wants than casual sex.
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