A
male
age
51-59,
*ogstar
writes:Dear CupidI never did this before. Feel lost and confused in what just happened to me, not sure if this is too much or too little info: My first marriage didn’t work out. I walked away from the marriage…Long relationship (5 years dating, 2 years marriage), I am now remarried with child.I divorced first wife because I thought she had little ambitions which made me doubt the relationship. While in this relationship, I got a bachelor degree and a Masters degree. I begged for her to advance her HS education, but I (also friends and family) urged her to do better for her future .I guess she never saw that.Well, while living in New York, we witnessed 911…that’s when the relationship crumbled. We went in 2 different directions. Freelance work was small, but I still found some kind of work, along with thesis finals, she was nowhere to be found. She kind of changed her appearance, make up habits changed, new single friends, she became distant. It was confusing for months, I thought she was teaching me a lesson. I admit, I spent way too much time in the classroom and not enough on her. I know there are 2 sided to my story, so I’m trying to fill in those blanks. She did pay the rent after I lost my main freelance job, so maybe she felt I was not putting in my share. I also felt as though she might have strayed in our marriage. During an argument, she told me how men was giving her compliments while I gave her none…Thought I was always complimenting her along with using her as a muse for my artwork... confusing times.I returned to my hometown to get my priorities in order, she decided to stay in New York, months go by, still no wife, no communications from her, I later filed for divorce, I was angry and hurt and even felt betrayed….she called me a day after divorce (NO, she didn’t even show up during divorce trial). Saying that I should be happy now that I got what I wanted and hope we still can be friends. My response was violent. Strange, she responds “are you sure you don’t want to be friends? I’m sorry you feel that way”.Years went by, the ex-wife still in contact with my sister. Story goes she left New York and now lives nearby. I ran into her a few times at the local mall. She even smiled and waved hello to me where I simply frowned at her… Not sure why she chose to come back home, where she seem that's all she wanted was to run away from hometown.It’s now 2009 and I got a call from a lawyer trying to reach the ex-wife mother…no details, but thought it was strange they would find me instead. I remembered my sister kept in contact with her through email, so I got the ex-wife email and sent her the info since it could be anything positive or negative. Well, she emailed me back giving me information about her mother suffering a stroke in 2007 and asking me how I’m doing…I was expecting a thanks “you jerk”…but instead, it felt like an old school reunion chummy thing… I heard she’s engaged now. And has a child nearly the same age when I filed for divorce. My family did the math, seems my sister got the news she got pregnant some time after the divorce. But I can’t help but still wonder about her strange ways after I left... too many to write down (some stalking moments from her), but it makes me still wonder about her child. I responded to her email wishing her mother good health...not sure if I made a mistake. Now I’m having these feelings again, not sure what it is, I feel angry, guilty, betrayed, and vengeful at the same time. Feels like I miss her, but wish she would fall off the planet. I love my new improved wife, but seem to be comparing her lately with the Ex...New wife wins all but one, the intimite part...I also have dreams about the ex, like living in the same apartment/hotel floor…lately, I’m trying very hard to please my wife but can’t help to think if it’s guilt from the recent feelings about my Ex-wife…of course, my wife knows nothing about these new feelings… Do I need professional help?
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ambition, divorce, engaged, ex-wife, my ex, stalking, violent Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, bellaaddison +, writes (11 May 2009):
You say you divorced your first wife because of her lack of ambition... Is she ambitious now? Do you know where she's at in her life now? I ask because your story reads as if you felt like you were entitled to something that you did not get... she wasn't living up to your expectations and you pushed her away. Maybe there's a part of you that is angry that she was able to continue on with her life... so much so that she didn't even show you or the marriage any respect when deciding she needn't be present for the divorce trial. Maybe somewhere inside, you resent her for overcoming and moving on- somewhat ambitiously at that...
Spend some time thinking about what a relationship truly means to you because I think your issues run deep. I don't think your feelings for your ex have anything to do much other than insecurity about yourself. You have a new wife and child to be concerning yourself with and she's hardly mentioned here, other than being some sort of "winner"... People are not contestants and life is not a competion. Please examine who these women represent in your life before you lose another.
If talking to someone with specific knowledge in this area will help you, then please take the help. There's nothing wrong with reaching out. Your first paragraph sounds of desperation... Find someone to talk to so you can sort your feelings through.
Take Care
Bella
xoxo
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (11 May 2009):
 The answer to that question is yes, I think seeing a therapist will be very beneficial for you.
You have way to many issues here and talking them through with someone qualified will really help you. They will be able to help you resolve all the left over feelings you have for your ex wife - I think the reason you feel this way is because she became so distant towards the end and was not present during the divorce - it was pretty much like she dissappeared and you never got the answers you needed. Therefore now she has moved back closer to you and back in your life again, she is bringing back all those unresolved emotions. Speaking to a therapist will help you to resolve everything you feel about her and hopefully put your mind at rest.
You also have some negative attitudes towards women that need addressing - I suggest if you do go to see a therapist you print off this question you have asked on here as it will give the therapist quite a lot to work on. The attitudes I am talking about is the part where you say "improved wife" and "new wife wins" - these are wrong on so many levels. Your second wife appears to be an object to you that is purely here to fulfil your needs, she doesnt even sound like a person the way you write about her. And saying she "wins" - marriage is not a competition. You shouldnt be comparing people in such a manner, everyone is different and has their own traits and flaws. You need a better attitude towards women in order to make your current marriage successful otherwise you may end up with a second ex wife because "new wife" is sick of competing with the ex-wife!
I hope you do go to seek help, there is no shame in therapy. Talking to someone about your problems is not anything to be ashamed of - it is natural and strangers often have a much better perspective on your problems than someone close to you.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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