A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am very torn as to going through with marrying my fiance.My fiance is a wonderful man-he is a great Father to his kids and Father figure to mine. He treats me amazingly well, and is just honest, kind, etc-all the good stuff.However, he has a lot of baggage in terms of how financially strapped we will be if we marry. His ex is not being very reasonable in terms of arranging child support and visitation. He has two kids, so that's obviously a higher child support amount. When they divorced, he very much got the short end of the stick. His name is still on their mortgage (so is hers, neither live there anymore) and he has no custody of the kids, even though he spends 50% of the year with them. She isn't happy about him moving away from his kids, so she is going to take everything she can out of him for doing so.(she is remarried, I don't have any concerns about any emotional involvement between them)I see myself being in a very poor financial situation with him and that causing arguments between us. I have a child as well, but my child's father makes a lot of money, therefore, the child support he has to send basically covers all of my child's major expenses. I have no debt (he has about 10K) and I certainly don't have my name on any legal binding things like he does with his ex. I also have a graduate degree and while my income is currently not that high (I work at home to stay with my child), I have the potential to make good money. He also has this potential, but is much further behind in terms of the tools and experience to get there (hasn't finished college)I feel like I am taking on a lot more to be with him and frankly I am not sure if I want to take on such a hard and stressed filled life with no resources to do anything or save for anything.The big question is, do I go for the love we have, or do I go for the reality of feeling like love isn't enough?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2014): Get a prenup please. You don't want to be liable for any debt he has, or will have due to the arrangement he has with his ex after you are married. Especially if you live in a community property state.
Maybe you could postpone the wedding until the house he has w/his ex sells, and that debt of $10k is paid off or a workable plan w/him paying it off in 2 yrs or less is in process.
I think your concerns are very valid, and you would be resentful if you go thru with this wedding and he doesn't pull thru with the expectations you have for him (being debt free & finishing school/higher paying job). It is not wrong to feel the way you do, I think take your time & make sure you are covered legally & financially before you tie the knot.
Also, keep your finances separate as much as possible after marriage. This is common these days as well and definately a good idea for people with two financial histories as different as yours & your fiance's seem to be.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2014): There is no point in you both getting terrible financial ratings.
You can keep your finances separate. But that's more difficult than it sounds. You might find that you have earned enough money for you and your son to go on holiday but that he doesn't have enough to take his sons. Then what?
Your son might really want that newly released game and you can afford to indulge him but the other children don't have much. What then?
It sounds like it'll be much simpler living as separate households and remain unmarried.
He should get official custody of his children and sell that house he owns with his ex.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (16 October 2014):
 In a marriage you merge your finances. Some people like to have two separate accounts and one joint account for spending. I don't see why you have to break up with him if you can separate how you use your money. Marriage would certainly be a benefit for him but not for you. I would not get a mortgage with him but for love I would keep dating him. If you like to treat his children for parties and nice food you can, but as far as vacations go you have to negotiate a fair amount. You both have children so it's not like you are in a hurry to start another family. It also depends on what your values are. If it's very important for you to live the life such as, concerts, vacations, art tours, and other luxurious things then he's not the guy for you. If you are happy being a homebody and just want someone to cuddle at night he could be a great guy.
It's your choice but my suspicion is that a lot of people who feel like they have a hard time securing a relationship are the ones who treat people amazingly well.
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