A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I recently went on holiday with my boyfriend (3 year relationship) and it went badly - we argued and at one point he moved towards me in such a way I thought he was going to hit me. I threw a cushion at him and he shoved me backwards I fell on the floor bruising my back. Although he didn't hit me I have been left feeling very low. It isn't the first time he has made an aggressive move on me and I just don't understand whether I make him this mad or whether he has a short fuse? Is this the way men are? The reason I am concerned is that my ex-husband had a bad temper and hit me and was terribly controlling and I wonder if either I make men behave this way or I just pick men like this. I am supposed to be making a massive commitment (living together) with my boyfriend but I'm really nervous about it and wonder now whether to just abandon the idea?? I would welcome comments from men too - as my Dad would never have done that in a million years to my Mum and yet I seem to hear it goes on a lot these days and my own experience is that is the case. If a man behaves in this way - even once - is that enough to leave him??
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (3 April 2008):
 Hi there,
It looks like you are setting yourself to start believing that it is all your fault. You are then just one jump away from being regularly abused.
So accept that it is not your fault, I have never hit a female nor will I ever ( though I've been hit more than once!), so it worries me when females often seek to excuse aggressive behaviour in males.
I think you are like a friend of mine, she is lovely but picks controlling arseholes as her boyfriends. One after the other she trots these guys out, they eventually beat her up, and the whole cycle starts all over again.
Learn to spot the signs, unfortunately given your track record you do appear to be a magnet for the abusers so perhaps some counselling to help you spot the warning signs?
but dump this guy, seriously what are you doing ? He will only get worse . Try and get out before he convinces you that it is your fault.
A
female
reader, Cherriepie  +, writes (2 April 2008):
 Men as a whole are more aggressive, its their nature..its the testosterone thing...so i will excuse some of that. But if he ever does strike you, I would try to get him out of my life. I like men who are aggressive and strong, but not when it gets violent in the relationship and he tries to hurt you.
Men are like horses in a way.....you want them to be strong and virile and able handle you physically, take you on nice steady long rides. But you dont want a horse who will get wild on you and knock you off his back. On the other hand you dont need a horse that cant sustain your weight and tires out easily. (i'm talking about aggression, not sex, but the analogy could apply there too)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2008): I think askoldersister is corect. If you learn to remove yourself from a bad situation, better people will eventually will come your way. LEarning to spot trouble is key. When you spot it and leave, and these bad people get enough of this, they will look inwards and realize they need to change.
Communication is very important, and telling someone you don't like what they did, and they explaining themselves, helps the relationshp.
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