A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've come across something quite disturbing and need some advice please.Last weekend I was on a hen party spa weekend with my friends. We went to this beautiful hotel which also had a spa and was a 2 hour drive from our town.Whilst we were at the spa, I thought I saw my colleagues fiance there - with another woman! They were both sat in their robes, waiting to have a couples massage. Initially I thought it may be someone who looked like him but it kept playing on my mind. I'd only met the guy twice and saw pictures of him on my colleagues Facebook.That evening we were at the hotel having a few drinks and taking pictures/ selfies and when I turned around I spotted them again at the bar, kissing and cuddling! There was no mistake this was him, he was literally a few feet away!Fortunately he didn't see me.The next day when I was arranging my photos I noticed there were several clear pictures of them at the bar, in the background which I took, unintentionally not realising he was there.When I got back to work on the Tuesday I casually asked my colleague if she had done anything nice on the weekend and she said that she had a quiet weekend as her fiancé went on a guys weekend with some old friends!Now they are due to get married in June. I know it's none of my business but surely she deserves to know if he's cheating on her... I know if my fiancé was cheating on me I'd hope someone would bring it to my attention.I was thinking of setting up an anonymous email address and sending her the pictures (obviously cutting out pictures of my friends so she won't know it's me).Thoughts??
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female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (10 January 2016):
I'd be straightforward. It might sour things between you two but at least you did the right thing. I'd be able to live with that.
Ask to talk to her privately when the occasion arises (better sooner than later) and tell her exactly what you told us and show her the pictures. If she resents you for it, so be it, but she will know the truth and have evidence to support it.
Also, being straightforward makes it hard for the message to get bent in the process. If you're being subtle, it's going to be easy for her to use denial as her main defense mechanism.
Good luck. Things like this are never easy.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2016): You should tell her and with the proof. I agree with the others' advise of saying how similar the guy in the picture looks to your co-worker's fiancée.I myself would take the direct approach as I value straightforwardness and I can appreciate the bitter truth. But you know your co-worker at least somewhat, so you can decide the approach.She may very likely not take it well, and misplace her anger towards you but that's a risk you'll have to take in the event your conscience doesn't allow you to stay quiet.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2016): As hard as this is going to be, you will have to tell her so your mind can rest. I would wait until the end of the day (so she can go straight home) and say that you don't want to speak out of place but you have to speak to her just so she knows. Tell her you went on this hen weekend and at the hotel saw a man who looked similar to her fiance and at first you thought perhaps they just look alike but then your realised he must be your fiance. Unless he has an identical twin, you saw her fiance waiting for a massage with this women and they kissed at the bar. At that point I would show her the photos and say that you didn't intend to have him in the background but this is proof he was at the hotel and that you couldn't rest without telling her - because if anyone saw your partner with another woman you would want to know too. I wouldn't take too long to tell her as she is going to be in complete shock. I would let her know that's all you saw, and that you are sorry for having to tell her and reassure her that you haven't, and won't, mention this to anyone else at work.
It will not be easy but sending it anonymously could cause her more stress. Most people would rather know and you're doing her a favour. What she does when she finds out is up to her and her business but she deserves to know the truth.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (8 January 2016):
 I think you should tell her, I know you don't want to be the bad guy but I think you need to tell her face to face, if it was me I would want to know.
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A
female
reader, boo22 +, writes (8 January 2016):
 I say tell her what you saw then show her the pictures if you can handle the fall out.Good luck x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2016): Absolutely you should tell her. It is going to spare her from a life of misery.Better a little pain now that a whole lot down the road being married to a pathetic, cheating loser.Show her your pictures. Point out that the man in the picture is her fiancé. Have her look at them closely. Once she is convinced that is him, I am sure she will confront him. And yes, do tell her everything you know. You are risking your relationship but it is for the greater good. Believe me.I can't imagine any proof better than pictures or eyewitnesses. But remember she may put the blinders on and refuse to believe it's her fiancé in the picture. So before saying anything, I would make sure you show her the pictures and have her confirm she does think it is him in the pictures.Either way, if she really wants to find out the truth and get even more proof than pictures - even though pictures are enough - she can call the hotel and ask whether he registered there and do some snooping. With the proper investigation, the truth will be found. I can tell you that there is nobody better at uncovering the truth than a suspicious wife, girlfriend or fiancé.I cannot imagine her wanting to put blinders on as a fiancé. Because she has time to reverse what could possibly be the biggest mistake of her life. A wife on the other hand is more invested in the marriage and it would be easier to turn a blind eye once already in the situation. But your friend is by no means trapped. This man of hers needs to be found out. She needs to free herself of somebody like that. He is having his cake and eating it and already cheating and they aren't even married! He is a pig. Plain and simple. Selfish and egotistical and oblivious to anyone's needs and feelings except his own. For all we know, he had told this other woman he is single.Does she deserve to be blind sided and suckered in and manipulated by a man like this?Think about that.And can your conscience allow you to sit by idly without saying a word that this man she is going to spend the rest of her life with, a man she TRUSTS with her heart is destroying her? And will continue to destroy her for years to come if he is allowed to?Be a good human being. He is incapable of that. She needs to get out of this now. Let him continue his cheating and womanising ways without her. He doesn't deserve her. And in time she will find a man who is worthy of her and who does make her happy. The man who SHOULD be her husband.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2016): Id show her the pictures in person. A random email she doesnt know the creditability of them, could argue they were taken.before they dated but knowing it is you - well can't doubt the when and where, only doubt if it actually is him. I would ask her out for a coffee at lunch. Say you have something you need to discuss of a personal nature, could use her input. Then lay the cards on the table so to speak, being careful to note you could bw wrong as only meet twice. Oooh, would make copies of pics in case she wants to take them.
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A
female
reader, anonem +, writes (8 January 2016):
 You are the light in this darkness. Please tell her.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 January 2016):
 OH and I would like to stress that if they were already married I would say stay out of it... but they are not married yet....
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 January 2016):
 I too would say something to her, and I'd try and be subtle - but like SVC I'm not a master at subtlety...
Like saying: "I was going over the pictures from the Hen-party I was at and I saw this guy in the background he looks just like your fiance, doesn't he?".
However, this is going to be tough because 1. she might resent you for letting her know and 2. she might have preferred not knowing. (for some ignorance is bliss).
I don't think I would keep my mouth shut on this as much as I'd hate to be the bearer of bad news.
Not a great spot to be in.
My question to you OP, would you want someone to tell YOU if you were in her shoes?
I would.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 January 2016):
Normally I am of the "not my circus not my monkeys" school and would say nothing
BUT she appears to be totally trusting and you have pictures..
I think Aunty BimBim is right... that something should be said but NOT annoymously.
I like the whole "I saw a guy that looked JUST LIKE your fiance" line...
but yeah... this will probably come down to a "shoot the messenger" issue where in the short run she will misplace her anger and hurt on you....
sadly it's a bad situation all around and you are in that "dammed if you do, dammed if you don't" posistion.
I'm not subtle.. I'd probably say to her pictures in hand "doesn't this guy look like like John?" .... and leave it to her but that's just me and I'm not sure that's the best way to go...
Hints might be ignored but then your conscience would be clear.
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A
female
reader, SmartiePants007  +, writes (8 January 2016):
Don't get involved. If you tell the wife she may end up holding you liable for her relationship depletion/ending in the aftermath of her finding out from you. She may also feel ashamed knowing you know and having to see you at work everyday. It's best to just keep this to yourself, she will find out eventually. Everything that is kept in the dark will always come to light.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (8 January 2016):
 Don't do the anonymous email thing, not only will the photos devastate her but your colleague will also be wondering who the sender was .... and freak out over who might have given out her email address.
You could tell her you saw her fiancé's doppelganger ... or double, on your weekend. If she doesn't take the bait let it drop, if she shows interest you could mention maybe check out your pics, see if the double is in the back ground of any of them.
Or you could come straight out and tell her that you think her fiancé was at the same hotel with another woman, and that you DO have some photos with the guy in question in the back ground if she wants to look at them, and leave it at that.
I am sure you are aware the bearer of bad news is never welcome and that you will come in for some flack, I hope that doesn't deter you from dropping a few hints as a minimum.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2016): Show her the pictures.
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