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anonymous
writes: Really need some outside advice! I've been married to a chap for 2 years (together for 7) who is mostly wonderful except for he hates the fact I am much more social and flirty, naturally than he is. I was like this when he first met me (at 18), but after a couple of years of him giving me such a hard time for going out with g/f's, I became much more withdrawn and he turned into my be-all and end-all. This suited him and he grew in confidence no-end. We were both happy when we married but I was very insecure and we had been trying and failed to have a baby (turns out neither of us can without help). My problem is 11 months ago a new guy started work for my Husband (they work as 2-man team in fairly tough physical work), who is 3/half years younger than me. To cut a long story short, we started an affair and now we're in love and I'm thinking seriously about leaving my H for him. My prob is shall I leave my stable but very comparatively unsatisfying marriage for someone I believe is my soul-mate (but I of-course do not know him that well), or what? New chap confesses he adores me and only through my severe lack of self-esteem do I doubt him! He desperately wants me to leave H. so much so, he has left this job and found job/house elsewhere. I am scared of the unknown, it all feels like better the devil I know, than the devil I don't!! Is life too short? Shall I go for it? I know I feel in control where I am, and I know if I go, I will be ventring into the unknown...or will I?...please help...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2008): Well as this was 2005 i guess you've done what ever it is you were going to.However, I would say why not hang on in there and enjoy both. The other guys clearly serious.Personally i don't hold with cheating and i would never trust someone i was with if he/she'd cheated on someone else to be with me but you seem to be getting away with it so why not have fun.
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male
reader, Travislai  +, writes (14 October 2007):
I'd say go for it. You can always start anew. If your husband is boring you to tears you will probably always cheat (or at least desire to) and that's just as bad as cheating. Why would you stay in an unfulfilled relationship? The only thing I can say is make sure that your 'boyfriend' can provide you with the same financial support so that that doesn't become an issue. And TALK to your boyfriend about what you want in a relationship and what he can expect from you. Be VERY honest and let the other person know what to expect in different situations. The way this relationship started will ad strain to the relationship, but address it early and talk abut it often until it's resolved. This is your opportunity to shape and mold the relationship you've always wanted. You only live once and you're not getting any younger. If you don't FEEL the same way about your husband, and you don't think you'll ever only love him the way he wants to be loved, it's best to let him go find his soul mate. You're hurting him more by staying with him when you don't feel the same and by cheating on him. Let him go on and find the person that can love him the way he deserves to be loved. If you really love him, you'd set him free to find real love... not the tainted love you're giving. However, because of your age I can understand how and why you got married. It's funny but what you want in a husband/relationship when you're 18 is much different from what you want at 26, isn't it? So if you take this leap, know that this IS IT! I think karma will allow you one youthful mistake in judgment, but you can't become a relationship-hopper, so choose wisely this time and know it's for life if you marry this guy. Just my two cents...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2007): Hi,
I think you should end your affair with this man and throw your energies into creating a great relationship with your husband.
Really try to work through any issues you have with your husband (maybe with a counsellor), make time for him and do fun/romantic things together to recapture the spark. I really think you could do with counselling about the infertility issues and maybe look into adoption which could be a wonderful thing to do as a couple.
What I am saying is that you were once in love with your husband and you made a very serious commitment to him. That should mean something.
And, I seriously doubt this other man is your soul-mate - doesn't it send out a red light that he's prepared to have an affair with his boss's wife, a man who has never done him any harm and who he must know quite well in a professional setting? You admit that you don't know him very well, but look at the things you DO know - apparently having principles and respecting a long-standing relationship aren't high on his list of priorities!
Don't throw your marriage away for a man like that just because he makes you feel good. Your husband could make you feel good too if you put more energy into your marriage and maybe got some counselling because there are some problems there which you're obviously having trouble dealing with on your own.
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reader, star3482 +, writes (11 May 2005):
you only live once babe - but think long and hard about what you really want - the grass isnt always greener,if your genuinely unhappy in your relationship with your husband and you are very happy with this other guy then why not go for it - he's already shown he's not messing my moving house and jobs!! and you'll always be wondering what if. if you let him go !
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2005): First of all, do you really want to risk everything you do have with your H for a chap who can't be loyal to someone who gave him a job? The grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence. If you make this move with a virtual stranger you are affecting other people than yourself. I don't know for a fact, but I am thinking you both have families and you and your H are both parts of a lot of peoples lives together. Would you feel better toward your husband if he praised you and said he "adored" you? One way to figure it out is to sit back, relax get "joe blow" out of your mind for a few minutes and focus on your life so far with your husband. Now picture him shattering your world to tell you he found someone he "adores" and is walking away from your marriage. How would you feel? Good luck to you; I hope you make the right decision for you.
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