A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need some help with a choice i have to make. I have no idea what to do so please help me. I had a boyfriend for a year and a half. Lets call him X. We were really close. I moved in with him and his family because i was having trouble at home. I lived there for 8 months. Then X asked me to marry him. I thought i really loved him so i said yes. 5 months of being engaged i became really ill and was in hospital for 3 months. While i was in hospital things started to change. X changed. He would lie and say he was going home to bed but he would go out to town with his mates. I think he cheated because why would he lie and say he was going home. He was never arohndaround when i was in hospital. But when he did come up he was the sweetest. He would do anything he just was never there.. Hos phone would be off all the time and he would always come up stoned. I knew he did drugs. His mam and dad got him into it. Now im a bit better and its 4 months later and things just got worse. His family is crazy and i moved back home. Every weekend i would go up to X house and we would lie in bed all day while he got stoned. I hated it. He would pressure me for sex and i was still kind of ill. I felt like we were doing the same over and over and i was just sick of my lifestyle with him but yet i couldnt leave.I started an internship where i met this man. Lets call him Y. He is funny and charming and offered me a lift home. Everyday i got to know him more and more and feelings grew. And things with X was getting worse. Y is 32, im 20. He is married but seperated. And a few weeks into the internship Y kissed me. I couldnt do anything but kiss him back. He knew what X was like and he seen i was unhappy. And he listened to me and i just couldnt get enough of him he was always on my mind.For my birthday X took me to spain.. With his family. I tried to stop thinking about Y and try to fix things with X. On the first night there his brother attacked me. On the second night X started shouting at a coloured man because he had different colour skin. That made me sick to my stomach. And the second last night his dad attacked me. When i say attack i mean a few hits or pushes. Nothing serious. I cried almost every night for Y. I knew who i wanted then. When i went home i told Y that i wanted to be with him. He told me he loves me and wants the same. I was going to tell X everything and leave him but somebody else told him about me and Y. I came home from work and X was there. He demanded answers and told my parents that i was having an affair with a married man. X told me he will kill himself if i leave him. I dont want him to hurt himself. I told him i needed a break and now im confused. Do i go with the man i really want to be with knowing that X will hurt himself and knowing that Y's marriage will be over for good with no possiblity of reuniting. Do i leave the man i love to go back to the life i hate just so other people wont get hurt? Please help me. Who do i choose?
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female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (2 July 2012):
 Don't go back with X. If he offs himself he is the one who is responsible for that, not you. Don't necessarily go off with Y either though. Remember he's married and you are walking into another illusion, that's headed for another big disappointment. Move back home if you have to. And then work on finding a new guy. Call him A. Start fresh. It's nice that Y came along and gave you the strength to feel like leaving X because X was truly a dead end. And I seriously doubt he'll really end his life. But you cannot hold yourself responsible for that. He does drugs. If he does somethign one night when he's under the influence, there's nothing you can do and you should not stay with him out of fear. You deserve more.
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (1 July 2012):
Hi there. I think you already know who you really want to be with, don't you?
Is there really any doubt about it?
You have said this other man is married, although separated.
Before making any decisions regards going any further with that relationship, you do need to clarify it exactly with him, to know what his plans are for his still existing marriage.
For instance:-
(1) How long has he been separated from his wife?
(2) What are the real issues there, and does he believe they can make it work again?
(3) Has he and his wife sat down and had a proper in depth discussion about a possible reconciliation?
(4) Are there any children?
Because for you and him to ever make a real go of it together, the situation of him and his wife needs to be thoroughly addressed.
And until that time comes, you can do no more for now.
Yes, you can still see him of course, although what you can't do is make any plans for a future together.
For now, you can only keep it fairly casual.
You know how you feel towards each other, but you can't take it to the next level until he and his wife decide which direction they take from here.
So you see, there is still a lot of unfinished business for him to sort out first.
If you and him are to be together at all, well that part of his life has to be sorted out as soon as possible.
Now, as far as "X" is concerned, it really doesn't seem there is any kind of future there at all - engaged or not.
And as for him threatening to take his own life if you end it with him, well it's very unlikely he will do that, it is merely a threat to make you bow and scrape to him.
It's what is known as emotional blackmail.
And it's very cruel to put that on someone else, who you supposedly love.
He says that, probably knowing full well, that you will take him seriously and decide to stay with him.
Because you see, he assumes you will naturally feel guilt if you did decide to leave.
And that if you did leave him, and if he did take his own life, that you would feel guilt for the rest of your life.
And who would want to live with that?
People who threaten to end their lives if someone says they will leave them, only say that to get what they want.
And I can practically guarantee that even if you do leave him - and I believe you should - that he WILL NOT end his life at all.
It's only a threat, which he probably has no intention whatsoever, of ever carrying out.
And just supposing he did carry out that threat - which is probably very unlikely anyway - why should you feel guilty?
If he is going to do that, why is it your fault?
How can it be your fault?
He would have died by his own doing?
He would have done that with complete conscious thought and a decision (his), to do so in the first place!
So how does that ever make you to blame?
The reason he is saying these cruel things to you now, is because he is becoming desperate to keep you, and is stopping at nothing to try and get his own way.
And I DO mean desperate.
Because he knows you have met this other wonderful man, who makes you very happy and he is jealous, and scared of losing you.
When people get scared, they also get desperate.
And this undoubtedly, is a perfect example of desperation.
And that's why he's also stooping to new lows, in saying to others that you are dating a married man.
He is conveniently leaving out the fact that this new man was already separated from his wife - when you met him.
And that is NOT the same thing as being married and together with his wife, is it?
Which would then be cheating on his wife, however this is not the case.
Not the same at all.
The way I see it and you can clearly see this for yourself already, there is no future for you and Mr "X" is there?
He takes drugs all the time and doesn't want to stop the habit.
He hardly bothered to come and see you while you were in hospital for about 3 months - well now and then, but not every day.
He didn't exactly put himself out to make the effort now, did he?
Follow your heart and what feels right to you.
The new man seems like a much better match for you.
The only thing to happen now, is for him to sort out what he's doing in future, regards his marriage - to try and make a go of it, or to decide it's over.
This will take time, although it's imperative that it gets sorted, to enable you and him to ever have a chance at happiness together in the long term.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2012): sorry but do you REALLY believe X will kill himself? It's called bluff, he's abusive, irresponsible and a drug addict you should not associate yourself with this kind of people, besides his family is troubled as well, and when you marry someone, you're marrying his family too, because you'll be seeing each other often, and if you guys already don't get along ( you said they were crazy) then things will just get worse. In the other hand Y probably realized you were vulnerable and now he says he loves you ( I'm sorry but I never believes men who only SAID they loved, unless they proves it with actions) but Y is still MARRIED, one day he can wake up and decide to get back to his wife, if I were you I wouldn't be with neither of them, but you're already emotionally involved with Y , and he seems like the lesser of two evils
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A
female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (1 July 2012):
 You don't go with X or Y!
X is unreliable, irresponsible (getting stoned) and doesn't care about you - not to mention that his father started hitting you!! -
Y is twelve years older than you; separated (so he says - but how do you know he's telling you the truth? Short answer: you DON'T unless he is willing to show you the separation documents and there is no reason you shouldn't ask to see them! However, quite apart from that, he is still MARRIED and therefore not free to form a relationship with you until and unless the separation leads to a proper divorce (I doubt if there is such a thing as an "improper" divorce)
You talk about "going back to the life I hate" with your own family. Are you not able to find a flat (at least a bed-sitter known over here as an "efficiency" or to advertise to share a place with a couple of female renters?
If this doesn't work out, then maybe you need to think of ways to get along with your parents until such time as you are able to move out and be on your own.
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